Would you carry on letting grandparents see child after this?

[Slidetotheleft]

DD's (5) father disappeared off the face of the earth 12 months ago. Has paid no maintenance since then. Currently owes over 3k and counting.

DDs grandparents (his parents) know where he is but refuse to tell me. Their argument is that he is trying to rebuild his business/life and cannot do that with the maintenance people on his back. He hasn't even sent DD a birthday card or anything at xmas. The maintenance people cannot find him, his parents know where he is but refuse to tell me and if DD asks them they say they don't know (not sure how long they can carry that on for).

They are currently still seeing DD twice a month (not during lockdown). And speak to her once a week on the phone.

My question is WIBU to say actually whilst you cannot be honest with me or DD I don't want her in your care. I DO NOT want to do this, DD enjoys their company and they love seeing her.

But it really really gets to me that they are happy to see her go without the support she deserves and to actually lie to her face when she asks where her daddy is.

What would you do?

Callmeadoctor

That’s why I suggested the OP doesn’t leave the children alone with the GPs and visits them together.
The relationship with their granddaughter is totally separate from that with their son, they are not responsible for his dishonesty.
I would have trust issues about them possibly allowing their son to see the little one but unless there’s a court order he’s entitled to anyway.

CayrolBaaaskin and SusanneLinder, they have already tracked him down, or at least a new bank account for him; they just won't take any money.

@Slidetotheleft

www.ccsnationwide.com/

This is the company I used - I think they only charge if they find them. They do employment tracing too. We only need details of one previous address. Hope this helps!

So sorry for you and your daughter op. I wouldn’t be facilitating contact for them at all.

I understand your frustration and this is a really hard position for you to be in OP.

Please remember though that as his parents, blind and unconditional love will be driving the ILs to their actions regarding their son.

That being said, whilst I dont agree with cutting their contact per say, I dont think youd be out of order to have a conversation with them and basically say:
"I'm thinking of cutting contact with all DDs family on exs side. I'm finding it difficult that you refuse to help provide my daughter with the financial support she deserves and as such I'm considering cutting ties to prevent any further upset down the line for my daughter when she starts asking more questions that you will not answer"

See what they say?

I wouldn't facilitate contact for deceitful liars no matter how 'torn' they may be about their precious child. I know without a moments hesitation that my parents (despite adoring me) wouldn't lie to cover me if I was shitting all over my own child - they'd read me the fucking riot act and hold me to account because that's what children need.

Don't feel that you owe them anything - they certainly don't show you any kind of loyalty.

I'm with FudgeBrownie2019 on this.
I can't believe they don't help out financially if they have such blind loyalty to their selfish son.
You're a better person than me Slidetotheleft.

Wow! As much as I am for grandparents seeing the GC in this instance they are concealing or aiding him in shirking his responsibilities! So it will be a big fat no from me!
If they love their GC as much as they profess then surely they would want her to receive her fair share from her dad and they would be making him pay CS .. if he cannot afford it they could help out and he can pay them back..

Sorry if its already been said (my phone is acting crappy) but do a companies house search for his name if it's a significant business he will register

If its Avon he wont

I’m torn. They may be great dgp’s but they should not allow their son to behave in such a disgraceful manner. But dd loves them and may miss them.

I think on balance I would probably stop contact, at least for a while. They see you coping so assume you don’t need the money. Their poor choices are only affecting you, not them. This is why they don’t care. And they have lied outright when asked. They have made their choice.

And I agree with pp. If I or any of my siblings refused to pay for our dc she would give us hell and not hesitate to do whatever it took to make us take responsibility. Although none of us would behave like that as we were raised well.