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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you carry on letting grandparents see child after this?

511 replies

Slidetotheleft · 20/05/2020 07:19

DD's (5) father disappeared off the face of the earth 12 months ago. Has paid no maintenance since then. Currently owes over 3k and counting.

DDs grandparents (his parents) know where he is but refuse to tell me. Their argument is that he is trying to rebuild his business/life and cannot do that with the maintenance people on his back. He hasn't even sent DD a birthday card or anything at xmas. The maintenance people cannot find him, his parents know where he is but refuse to tell me and if DD asks them they say they don't know (not sure how long they can carry that on for).

They are currently still seeing DD twice a month (not during lockdown). And speak to her once a week on the phone.

My question is WIBU to say actually whilst you cannot be honest with me or DD I don't want her in your care. I DO NOT want to do this, DD enjoys their company and they love seeing her.

But it really really gets to me that they are happy to see her go without the support she deserves and to actually lie to her face when she asks where her daddy is.

What would you do?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 20/05/2020 07:38

It's a completely separate issue. Don't separate DD from someone she loves who still wants to see her.

pussycatinboots · 20/05/2020 07:38

Lockdown is the perfect excuse to change her routine (if you need it) and end the visits to his parents.
You could just be blunt and say until he pays what he owes her (not you - the money is to provide for her after all) you will not allow her to visit them.
And you don't know if they put pictures of him back when she's gone back home to you...

Besom · 20/05/2020 07:39

Is ex h likely to have mental health or substance misuse issues or anything ljke that? Could they be hiding something more than just his whereabouts?

GindependantWoman · 20/05/2020 07:39

This is so hard for you OP. You really have my sympathies. This stinks of the Apple and the tree. No wonder he is so good at dodging responsibilities when his parents help him do it so easily.

I think that them seeing her is purely for them and their enjoyments as they do not truly care for her as if they did, they wouldn't let their son shirk his responsibilities.

I would say that they can see her (not unattended) but you won't be lying to cover for them anymore and if they continue to lie they won't be seeing her. You've explained your quandary about Dd being lied to really well so I wonder if you could say that to them?

Gncq · 20/05/2020 07:40

And you don't know if they put pictures of him back when she's gone back home to you...
I thought that too

Ohtherewearethen · 20/05/2020 07:40

They absolutely should be ashamed of him. I actually don't think they are though. They are enabling him to leave his daughter without a father or suitable payments and defend this by saying he wants to make money in his business. They prioritise their son's business/life rebuilding over his responsibility to his daughter. I really couldn't respect of trust anyone who did that I'm afraid. I think they are a disgrace.

MarieQueenofScots · 20/05/2020 07:40

It’s a dreadful situation but contact shouldn’t be on a pay per view basis, however much I think men who abdicate responsibility are absolute scum.

If they’re loving grandparents I would continue to facilitate a relationship between your daughter and them.

Sushiroller · 20/05/2020 07:41

Yanbu.
What scummy people.

Inthepurplerain · 20/05/2020 07:41

A loving grandparent wouldn’t behave in this way.

I would completely cut them out.

PowerStruggle · 20/05/2020 07:42

Hard as it is, don’t punish your daughter by limiting her family circle. If there has been a break in contact over lockdown though you can have the conversation with the grandparents, but equally, they aren’t responsible for their sons actions

SoloMummy · 20/05/2020 07:42

I would put the ball in their court. Simply messaging that they're lying to their grandchild. This is unacceptable. Unless they can be honest with her, contact will cease.

Say it straight.

Have you paid to search the electoral register? Looked on LinkedIn? Google etc. Unless he could be abroad?

EsmeeMerlin · 20/05/2020 07:45

I think you are putting them in a really unfair position and would be cruel to stop a relationship if they are otherwise loving grandparents. They may well be ashamed of their son and it’s clear they still want to be there for their granddaughter but he is still their son and you have no idea how much pressure he could be putting on them to keep his whereabouts quiet. It’s also something they may just want to keep out off and all they want is a relationship with their granddaughter. He is the one completely in the wrong not his parents.

nanbread · 20/05/2020 07:45

Ooh I feel so angry for you. But if your DD really wants to see them and gets something out of it, I would continue. If you're doing it for their sake because they are desperate to see her and she's not bothered - screw that!

I'd ask them for the money. Do they have it? How much do you need it?

tenredthings · 20/05/2020 07:45

Could he be in prison and they are too ashamed to say ?

MarieQueenofScots · 20/05/2020 07:45

For every ultimatum that is given the fallout could result in punishing OP’s daughter

AriadnesFilament · 20/05/2020 07:47

Possibly a random thought: are you sure he’s not in prison?

Doilooklikeatourist · 20/05/2020 07:48

I agree entirely with what @SoloMummy said above

You’re much nicer than me , if that had happened to me , the grandparents would not have seen my children at all

They’re enabling his behaviour which is not acceptable

RuggerHug · 20/05/2020 07:49

It's not their fault what he did but they aren't being decent. I'd say to them the way things are you will consider a visit once a month, somewhere neutral and you have to supervise. Because if they're lying to you, they'll lie to her and you can't have that. First time they lie to her face/start a story you leave.

TeaAndHobnob · 20/05/2020 07:50

Could he be in prison and they are too ashamed to say?

I wondered this. It's a difficult one OP. On the face of it they are not good people, who are enabling their son to hide. But if your DD loves them and they love her and they have a nice time together I think it would be a shame to withhold contact.

You can't say what might happen in the future, there might be an attack of conscience on their part, your DD dad might resurface.I think it's worth keeping that door open and letting contact with her family continue.

MarginalGain · 20/05/2020 07:52

I'd have nothing to do with them. Sorry to hear this OP.

Plipplops · 20/05/2020 07:53

It’s not on that you’re having to lie to her (by backing them up that they don’t know where he is). I’d be honest with her otherwise you run the risk she’s going to hold that against you. It’s ok for adults not to know everything so could you tell her that they know where he is but they don’t want to say, and you don’t know why? I wouldn’t stop contact though if your DD wants to see them.

Marlena1 · 20/05/2020 07:55

It's a horribble situation. I voted YABU but I don't think you are, it's just that it would be a shame for your daughter to miss out on her grandparents if she loves them.

BertieBotts · 20/05/2020 07:57

People lie to children all the time. I'm not saying it's a great thing to do but they obviously have their reasons. It's not about you letting them lie to her or not IMO, that is an aspect of their relationship which you don't get to police. The lie is not directly harmful (e.g. Something that would mess with her). Yes, when she is older she will realise, but that is on them. You could also take the approach as somebody else said of telling her as much of the truth as you know yourself, which gives her the choice to decide when she is ready whether it affects her relationship with them, but I think this is a lot to put on her at the moment. She's only five.

Realistically knowing where he is or not isn't going to change the fact that he doesn't want to see her and he isn't paying maintenance so to me it doesn't make a difference if she's told where he is (especially if it is prison) or that his family don't know.

minmooch · 20/05/2020 07:59

Presumably they have not seen her during lockdown? So when it's over there would be no need to tell your daughter as she is used to not seeing them.

If your ex is not paying maintenance for his child and his parents know where he is but choose not to tell there would be no way on this earth that my child would see them. They are lying to protect their son and stopping you from getting the financial input from him. They will eventually lie to your daughter too about his whereabouts.

If I were the grandparents and truly ashamed of my son and wanted to see my granddaughter then I would make sure either I got the money from my son or I'd pay his share. No way could I sit comfortably whilst he shirked every responsibility.

conduitoffortune · 20/05/2020 08:00

They are justifying their son depriving their granddaughter of a father and any sort of basic responsibilities that should be afforded by a parent to a child. It's not even like they are saying that they are disgusted by him etc, they think his needs are more important. It's all on their terms. They get to skip in now and then and get all the grandparent glory without being proper grandparents with a proper nanny and grandad mindset. If I was the child in this situation and found out as a teen or adult that this was their stance I wouldn't want anything to do with them.