I'm 43, DH 57, would you criticise us for TTC?

[Oldoryoung]

Been together five years. I have DS from previous marriage, now aged 13 & 9.
I always wanted 3/4 children. Exh was abusive, I divorced him and they visit EOW.
Me & DH would dearly love another. He has none of his own, but his sister died (single parent) leaving DC late teens and he is / like a parent to them.
He is 57. I am 43.
Is that too late to TTC or look at IVF?
He is planning to retire next year, we can manage comfortably (not fund managers but we live in the north and had a house each 😂).
His DF is 89 and lives independently, my DP are still working in their 70s and my gran lives independently aged 99, 100 this year.

Does it matter what other people think? How do you think you would cope with going back to no sleep and the exhaustion of a baby/toddler? My main concern would be around the possibility of your DC losing one or both parents relatively early in life, but if relationships with your older DC and DH's neices/nephews are good, that may be somewhat mitigated.

I don’t think you will get the answers you want
No I wouldn’t judge you
But there are many risks . As you well
Know

No judgement at all.
What does your DP want?

I conceived at 43 with DP at 52. Go for it if that's what you want.

Yes, very unfair for a teen to have a father in his 70s.

If it was me? Fuck no. Way too old to be thinking about it. That ship had sailed, that turnoff is vanishing in the rear view mirror, no way would I be thinking about harnessing the power of modern medicine to bring a new baby into the world with two pensioners forces parents.

If it's you? Make up your own mind. Dont let strangers on the Internet make it up for you.

I think the only perspective that really matters is that of the perspective child.

From my own point of view as I was a child of older parents there was absolutely no way I’d ever have replicated that situation. For context my own children had left home before my parents died, but I had mine young.

Others will have very different experiences of course.

DH keen, but there's a bit of me thinks he's not sure if he appreciates how hard lack of sleep is!
He's a primary headteacher, due to retire.
I'm a nursery teacher, spend 8 - 3:30 everyday with 3 year olds.

You aren’t too old, but I think your partner is, sorry.

He’d be 75 when the child turned 18!

Not at all.

Many things are unfair in life, having a parent who is abusive, neglectful, alcoholics, drug addicts, homeless, the list goes on. Having a parent who is older than average but loving and supportive is extremely lucky and not unfair in the slightest.

I wouldnt judge you but you do need to think about the child potentially losing their parent or parents young. I have had my DC later but not that later and I'm still worried about that compared to the position I am in with my parents who were able to help me for longer and are alive. Obviously you can die at any time or age but we all know that the older you get the more likely it is. If you're happy about being so much older with a young DC and are happy that your future DC will be secure if you die, and have family around to help them, then fine.

I wouldn't criticise you at all. Please don't worry about what others may think. (Although I know this is easier said than done!).
I say go for it if that is what you both want.
You may have regrets otherwise and life is too short for regrets.

I wouldn't criticise you, I'd think you were lucky to have the option. I'm 43 and I'd love to have had another child but it's completely impractical. In your case I'd go for it.

We are currently ttc and my DH is 55. I am younger though. Fuck what anybody else thinks! If it’s right for you then go for it. X

57 is grandfather age! Like PP said, who cares what people think. Maybe you are the exception. Personally, I wouldn't even consider it, but you've had kids, you know what it's like.

@Oldoryoung

Both too old. And yes I would judge, and so will lots of others.

Sorry, you did ask.

Is it worth getting a fertility check up as part of your discussions? Then you’ll have an idea of what you’re dealing with. The stats for IVF aren’t going to be great.

Is there a reason you’ve waited till now as you’ve been together 5 years?

I wouldn’t judge you, it’s just not a choice I’d make based on a number of things. Ultimately, I would think that the risks to the child outweigh the benefits to you.

@AnneLovesGilbert
Is there a reason you’ve waited till now as you’ve been together 5 years?
Five years together doesn't seem long to me to decide something as huge as having DC - I had to be sure if I committed to DH it was ok for my DC, as well as me. I waited six years until I married my exh for life, and after 12 he turned out to be a mean idiot!

I wouldn’t be worried aniutb’the baby years’, what would worry me would be dying when they’re still quite young but your families seem to be quite a long living lot, unlike mine, so probably less if a worry for you?!

I’m late 40’s and wouldn't plan to have another now, but if I got pregnant I wouldn’t terminate 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh & I certainly wouldn’t ‘judge’ anyone. In a sleep deprived moment I might wonder if they’d lost their marbles 🤣 starting over again, but I’d be a little bit envious also.

Do what YOU (and he, obviously) want. Fuck anyone else

You're not too old, DH is. TTC if you want, but on the understanding that you'll have to do most of the running around. Think about whether you could do this more or less on your own? I wouldn't judge you, because it sounds like you can financially and emotionally support a child, but I would think you'll have your work cut out for you.

@MistyCloud. What exactly would you ‘judge’ about it? Not being goady, I’m just curious what there is to judge?!

Massively, probably not what you what to hear though.

At the end of the day, it only matters what you think though.

No, I really wouldn't