I'm 43, DH 57, would you criticise us for TTC?

[Oldoryoung]

Been together five years. I have DS from previous marriage, now aged 13 & 9.
I always wanted 3/4 children. Exh was abusive, I divorced him and they visit EOW.
Me & DH would dearly love another. He has none of his own, but his sister died (single parent) leaving DC late teens and he is / like a parent to them.
He is 57. I am 43.
Is that too late to TTC or look at IVF?
He is planning to retire next year, we can manage comfortably (not fund managers but we live in the north and had a house each 😂).
His DF is 89 and lives independently, my DP are still working in their 70s and my gran lives independently aged 99, 100 this year.

@MaMaMaMySharona

It's shit isn't it? All the comments like "well parents are supposed to embarass you anyway", "surely you're glad you were born", "young parents can die too", "nobody knows what life holds" etc, etc, are just so mindless and lacking any sort of understanding of what growing up like this feels like for the child.

It's easy for people who had their parents for all the important milestones like graduations, weddings, children, etc, to dismiss our feelings and tell us we should be thankful to be born. I'd hazard a guess that if they were in our shoes they would feel very different. There have been so many times during my 20s and early 30s where I have felt like I needed them, but they couldn't be there for me and that's really shit.

You could have a husband, three grandparents, and an infant all dependent on you for full-time physical care in the blink of an eye. Older people go downhill fast.

I will link what I found later but to add, I don’t think most 60 year olds are elderly nor incapable of leading active lives nor working. However, statistically, you are more prone to certain conditions and ill health as you age. It’s a fact. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t choose to have a child later in life but you need to be able to face facts and not pretend it’s all a lie. In the same way that very young parents need to realise they face disadvantages also. Being a good parent is trying to figure out what may come up ahead (as best you can as nobody can predict the future) and having a plan. I have health problems and I am physically disabled. If I posted that I wanted another baby, I’d be rightly told to consider the impact on my current children and consider how life would be for a baby if my health were to decline or my income dropped.

Both too old in my opinion.

I’m in my early fifties and in recent years I’ve developed a bad back which is degenerative and won’t get any better. I just have to manage it as best I can, but bending, lifting and carrying are not easy like they were ten years ago and first thing in the morning I’m in pain. It takes me an hour or two to get going, physically. I can’t spring into action like I once could and I sleep really badly because of it, combined of course with the woes of the menopause.

It’s not at all unusual to be experiencing these things at my age. The thought of dealing full time with little people under ten who need me to be fully on it 24 hours a day at a moments notice is not a pleasant thought.

Having seen teenagers (And being one myself when I was 19) having to look after 80 year old parents, it's honestly awful. My sil is mid 20s and her father is now in his 80s. The gulf of difference between them is phenomenal- completely different beliefs, understands, energy levels etc. They have zero in common. They have no relationship, and never did because he never had the energy, time, or patience to deal with a toddler at 60.

It's shit isn't it? All the comments like "well parents are supposed to embarass you anyway", "surely you're glad you were born", "young parents can die too", "nobody knows what life holds" etc, etc, are just so mindless and lacking any sort of understanding of what growing up like this feels like for the child

^^ This. Completely.

I decided no more for us at 35/45. There had been a change in DH's energy level from baby#1 at 30/40, and we had baby#2 at 32/42. Realisticly, I would have ended up doing a lot more donkey work for a 3rd child, plus I had form for tough pregnancies and births and decided I wasn't going to write off a third year of my life on pregnancy/ recovery from birth.

By co-incidence DH was the same age as my "dad" (my young grandparents raised me). He was dead at 53, before I went to secondary school. Admittedly DH looks after himself better, but now in his late 40s, he's the same age as my dad was when he had his first heart attack.

When "DM" was 60, she did childcare for my considerably younger sibling (I was in sixth form). She was very energetic and sociable, but it was still draining to her. A few years later, the arthritis really struck and impaired her mobility considerably. Thank goodness she wasn't having to run around after primary school children at that age. In our case DS1 has high functioning SNs that have become apparent over time. In some ways he's an easy child. In other ways it's draining, especially emotionally.

Our parents/ grandparents are in their 80s and while they are on good form, better than average, the niggles are catching up, and their worlds are contracting. They don't hold much interest in our lives and the DCs. With one grandparent, age has meant that our DCs really don't have the two-way relationship that all their cousins did before, even the ones a few years older who live a similar distance away.

There isn't a right or wrong limit on when to stop having children, other than biology which does on average kick in for women in a timely way. It is very personal. I have no regrets about stopping when we did and I came very close to TTC for #3. I would worry about a mother on the late end of her fertile phase with a much older man though. It's a tough combination and the odds get high for the enjoyment of parenthood and the child's quality of life being impaired by health concerns.

I agree with the comment above. Just feel my parents were never there for me and my needs. It was all about them and their health issues

Having seen teenagers (And being one myself when I was 19) having to look after 80 year old parents

You put parents, plural.

Are you saying both your mother and father were 61+ when they had you?

Or do you mean your father was 61+ and your mother was a lot younger in which case why were you caring for him at 19.
Where was you mother in small of this.

Having seen teenagers (And being one myself when I was 19) having to look after 80 year old parents

You put parents, plural.
Are you saying both your mother and father were 61+ when they had you?

Well obviously that's not what she's saying. She has seen teenagers (plural) looking after parents (plural, because there are several teenagers she has seen each looking after their individual parent) and she is one example of those and was looking after one parent in their 80s at the age of 19 (presumably her father).

So where was her mother in all of this.

Shouldn’t she have been the one looking after the elderly father

But the point here is that had her mother died relatively young, the burden of care for her father, an 80 year old man, would have been on her, a 19 year old.

It’s not just about care though, they have skipped a whole generation and would have more in common with her friends’ grandparents than their parents. There is a gulf between them in terms of understanding one another.

Interesting that most of the go for it replies are from adults whose parents were young when they were born.
Most of the don't do it's are from people whose parents were older when they were conceived.
Your answer could be in that op.

DH keen, but there's a bit of me thinks he's not sure if he appreciates how hard lack of sleep is!

No disrespect, but if he's so keen on having kids, why didn't he think of it before reaching the age of 57? Yes, I know life doesn't always turn out how you want it to, but if he really wanted children, surely he should have found a way to do so before reaching his late 50s.

Also, it's easy for him to be 'keen' as he isn't the one who'll be going through pregnancy and childbirth at a relatively advanced age. Also, just knowing how these things go, he won't be the one doing the lion's share of childcare and should you ever split up, it'll be much easier for him to walk away from his responsibilites that it would be for you.

Obviously it's up to you, but personally I would not have a baby with a 57 year old man who will be in his 70s by the time the child is a teenager. But again, it's up to you.

Not at all. I'm 34 my Partner 52 we would've been expecting our 4th Baby (also our 4th loss) in May had I Not miscarried in October. We're trying again

@Lozz22 - I am very sorry to hear of your losses. I wish you and your partner all the luck in the world when trying again x

I agree that the OP and her partner are not too old. A baby needs love first and foremost. Good luck to you both x

Interesting that most of the go for it replies are from adults whose parents were young when they were born.
Most of the don't do it's are from people whose parents were older when they were conceived.
Your answer could be in that op.

This. From another child of older parents, both of whom were dead by the time I turned 23.

I also agree with those who say there is a tremendous difference between 60 and 70, and 70 and 80. MIL is 60 and could quite happily look after our 3 on her own for an extended period. FIL is 70 and could not. He is extremely fit, does competitive sport several times a week, travels extensively, keeps up their (large) garden single handedly... but give him the kids for a day and he’s falling asleep in his supper They are a pretty well behaved, ‘easy’ bunch too.

Interesting that most of the go for it replies are from adults whose parents were young when they were born. Most of the don't do it's are from people whose parents were older when they were conceived. Your answer could be in that op

I agree as well.
We are older parents, but not because we wanted to be. It just happened like that. But at the back of my mind is the thought that DD will have to deal with illness and bereavement at an earlier age than she should do.

I have already told her that she shouldn't feel that it is her duty to look after us when we get too old and decrepit to look after ourselves.

I do wonder about this issue with DCs that have a disabled sibling too. There is little you can do about it (especially if a DC has a later diagnosed disability) but it may mean they end up being responsible for their sibling.

While there are lots of people in this thread who seem to not understand the ageing process, I still think a 65 year old man might struggle to run after a small child on a bike. A 70 year old man is unlikely to be able to accompany his child on a junior park run.

I don’t think it’s fair to deliberately have a child when you are close to 60. It’s selfish.