I'm 43, DH 57, would you criticise us for TTC?

[Oldoryoung]

Been together five years. I have DS from previous marriage, now aged 13 & 9.
I always wanted 3/4 children. Exh was abusive, I divorced him and they visit EOW.
Me & DH would dearly love another. He has none of his own, but his sister died (single parent) leaving DC late teens and he is / like a parent to them.
He is 57. I am 43.
Is that too late to TTC or look at IVF?
He is planning to retire next year, we can manage comfortably (not fund managers but we live in the north and had a house each 😂).
His DF is 89 and lives independently, my DP are still working in their 70s and my gran lives independently aged 99, 100 this year.

I think you're both too old, it's not fair on them. How is a 70 year old man going to be able to be a suitable patent to a 12/13 year old? Have you considered adopting an older child?

If I'm honest, I probably would judge you. Some of my friends have older parents and they have both expressed real regret about the fact that their parents probably won't live to see them have children, or in the case of a few of them, have dementia and don't understand what's happening.

But I also know it's none of my business, and wouldn't say anything to you if you were my friend.

I had one baby at 42 and another unexpected one at 47. Birth fine. We’ve managed perfectly fine. I have no other age to compare it too!

Yes I think about being ‘older parents’ but it is what it is. There are worse things to be than ‘older’ and kids are embarrassed by their parents whatever age they are!

My best friend who I’ve known since I was a kid had an old father, not quite as old as your DH but in his 50s when she was born. She hated it - everyone thought he was her grandad, and although he was really fit in his early 60s it was very different to having a dad in his 20s or 30s. Despite many in his family living to an old age, he didn’t, and not only was it very very hard for my friend to see him old and sick, she missed having him by her side when she left school, graduated, got married, no granddad for her children etc. Yes shit happens all the time as someone said upthread, but planning a child at this age isn’t such a great idea

If only the age of parents confirmed a decent life for children! Oh wait! It doesn’t. Stop being so judgemental.

If you are both healthy and can make financial provision for higher education, etc I think go for it.

Being at the older end of the parenting age range could be a bit of an issue but so could being physically unwell, depressed, financially unstable, being in the criminal justice system, having a disability, being unemployed, etc, but those people don't generally get told not to have children.

If you can say hand on heart that you believe you will be good parents, nobody else's opinion matters.

My friend was 42 and her dh 55 when they had their son he's a young 55 iyswim..

3 yrs later and she's expecting again. He works ft. Owns his business. She's a sahm.. He does his shares of everything.
It works well.
In fact until now I forgot how old they were to have kids. As it doesn't cross my mind.

Seeing what having a severely unwell disabled third child has done to my sister's life (she's a bit older too), I think it's a really bad idea. You have two children already, they still need you. My sister's other children's lives are permanently changed, and to a large extent they've lost their mum as she has to be at her third baby's side round the clock. It's really not something to enter lightly, OP, and I mean that so kindly, I promise.

My uncle also had a baby when he was 59. He died when his son was 16 (and was in a home for the last 2 years of his life). Yes, some people live healthily to a ripe old age, but plenty don't. His son was very very angry and embarrassed about his dad being in a home, when his mates' dads were going out running and cycling with them.

Some 57 year olds are really youthful, some are like grandads. It all depends.

No judgement from me but as a child who lost one of their parents at 21 unexpectedly when they were only 64 with a friend who lost a father at 15 when he was late 50's i can tell you it's horrendous losing a parent when you are young.

My parent died before they could see what I was going to Become. My life is split into before they were gone and after.

It's not selfish and I wouldn't have changed the parent I had or the (short) amount of years, I adored them more than words can say! I had with them but you must consider the child before your own wants because unless you are sure about your health and likely effects of your lifestyle you are knowingly bringing someone into the world who will either have to spend the early years of their adulthood or later childhood as a carer or grieving a parent. Are you or your partner prepared for that?

As you both seem to come from healthy families and are comfortably off then I don't think it's a terrible idea. Will you have someone who is willing to be a guardian for the child if you both buck the family trend and died or were incapacitated? Would this person be willing to cope with the child whatever the child's additional needs might be? Of course this is always a risk, but with your ages I think it needs extra consideration.

I am the product of a 55 year old father, who died when I was 12, and a 48 year old mother who got pregnant thinking she'd gone through the menopause and was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis not long after I was born. They managed but were not well off. My childhood up to my dad's death was great, after, not so much.

If you have solid plans and funding/insurance in place then I wouldn't judge, if you just crossed your fingers and hoped all would be fine, I would.

I wouldn’t judge you but I would feel sorry for the child having an elderly dad by the time it’s a teen.

Your situation your choice. I would say go for it and if it’s meant to be it will happen. Age is just a number, it’s your attitude that counts. Anyone could get hit by a bus tomorrow, you should live the life you want to. Good luck with the TTC

Yes

Not just due to age but also (in fact more) due to the fact you both have DC already. What’s the need to have another? How will it affect them?

I wouldn’t judge you but you’ll need to be thick skinned about people potentially calling you your child’s ‘grandparents’. Although still low risk, ASD is also more likely with older parents. Not that that’s awful of course, but if it happened potentially it would be quite draining for you.

Do you really want to start again?

I wouldn’t feel sorry for the child but I would feel sorry for ye! Retirement isn’t supposed to be experienced with a toddler tow.

If you have to ask people on the Internet, then don't do it. Your husband is too old in my opinion.

If it’s what you both want go for it, however you have to be prepared that it may not happen! Ignore all those who say you are both too old as it is only you and your dh’s decision that matter.

Good luck and hopefully this time next year you will have, or be pregnant with, your own little bundle of joy.

I would never ever criticise you,and the predicament that you are in. Slightly older people having a child,might well be problematic, but not always. It's a bit not of the norm, but you have to think about it,and decide about all things for your future life together.

There are always going to be lots of people saying that it is a bad idea to have a child, when older, for many reasons, but you are two people.who can decide for yourselves what to do.

Yes I would judge you

I don’t think it’s fair on your existing children or any new baby. If your ex was abusive your existing kids probably need additional support. If your DH treats his niece and nephew as his own how will they feel?

The risks of having a baby with issues are increased at your age and your DHs age.

Even if you remain healthy engaged parents while they are growing up, chances are that you will need support when they are trying to get their career going, travel etc.

Just spent some time with some friends. He is 78 and she is early 50s.
They have 3 children, 19, 17 and 15. The children are all happy and healthy.
If you want to, go for it. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

@minipie

due to the fact you both have DC already. What’s the need to have another?

Remind me how many children you have?

@Oldoryoung

If only people gave as much thought to their own family planning as they’re giving to yours 🙄🙄

The medical issue is between you and your doctors. But I was 50 and retired when I adopted an infant. The first few years were easy -- nannies, sitters, etc. but the school years were hard. As I got older life got more active. Getting up everyday for school run and afterschool sports and weekend clubs. Never a chance to lie in. Never a chance to stay in bed even if you are unwell. Grocery shopping twice a week to feed a growing boy three meals a day. Trying to save enough on retirement pay to put him through college. Wanted to travel but not possible then and now not affordable.
I do not regret my choice but I did not think through how life would be for the next 18 years. I thought I was putting my plans on hold, but they are gone now, along with my health, my savings and my friends - deceased or in retirement villages in Florida.

If you're both up for it then go for it. It sounds like you're both going into it eyes wide open so, yes the early, sleep derived years will be hard but they don't last forever.

I'm late 40's and really couldn't be arsed going through it all again. I'm looking forward to the grandparent years where I can have them for sleepovers then give them back.

If I fell pregnant now with a DH mid 50's I would definitely keep the child but possibly feel a bit resentful about the school runs/ play dates etc I'd have to do with all the young mothers. I'd also worry about my other dc missing my time while they're teenagers.