I'm 43, DH 57, would you criticise us for TTC?

[Oldoryoung]

Been together five years. I have DS from previous marriage, now aged 13 & 9.
I always wanted 3/4 children. Exh was abusive, I divorced him and they visit EOW.
Me & DH would dearly love another. He has none of his own, but his sister died (single parent) leaving DC late teens and he is / like a parent to them.
He is 57. I am 43.
Is that too late to TTC or look at IVF?
He is planning to retire next year, we can manage comfortably (not fund managers but we live in the north and had a house each 😂).
His DF is 89 and lives independently, my DP are still working in their 70s and my gran lives independently aged 99, 100 this year.

I wouldn't. Research shows that the risk of ASD is 66% higher in men over 50. It is also increased by an age gap of over 11 years which you have.

Father's age is also linked to increased risk of schizophrenia and even cancer.

Also your mc risk will be very high, can you cope with that?

I had this discussion with DH2. If I'd not already had kids we'd have tried. But I was very much the brakes. It was hard at 33 &34. A decade later would have killed me. I was very much let's wait for grand kids and be involved GPs. We have 4 teens between us and it's ample.

Plus the working a decade longer to pay for it all was a bit of a cold shower.

I think thats too old for both of you.

Personally it wouldn't be for me. But I offer no condemnation or judgement for those who do.

My concern would be reaching 50 plus and a raging tweenager to cope with shudders

Good luck and do whatever you feel is right for you and a new baby.

You not really. Your DH I think is too old. Say you fell pregnant straight away, which might very well not he the case your DH would be 58 or possibly older. At 78 does he really want to be parenting a young adult through uni/life?

I would judge. One of my bosses is late 50's with a 5yo. It strikes me as odd.

The current older generation living long doesn't guarantee that you will. My DGPs both lived to 95, yet my uncle died aged 74.

You need to think about how it will affect the DC you have already too.

Heart disease issues such as heart attacks etc are so common in over 60s.
Just because your dhs dad is fine doesn’t mean he will be.

My dad recently died at not even 70. He seemed absolutely fine, until one day he wasn’t.

I think you’re being incredibly selfish.
I’ve lost both parents before I’m 30. I wouldn’t wish this on my child on purpose.
My friends are losing their grandparents, never mind parents.

I think it's too old. It will be hard enough if you have a NT child but the chance of one with additional needs is a lot higher.

It is totally up to you.

I had older parents and found it very difficult as a child. I worried constantly that my mum would die. I never told her this, but I had OCD type behaviours caused by it.

I don't understand personally why people feel the need to have more than 2 children. The planet can't really cope. Those children then multiply themselves. It is overloading the planets resources.

If you didn't already have children then it would be different. But you do.

I am horrified reading some of these comments.
I will be giving birth to my second (planned) dc this summer, when I'll have just turned 43.
I am so, so sick of comments from people who advise against it because they had their children young. Good for you. If only life always worked perfectly.
I've always known I wanted children. I am so glad I waited until I was in a secure, loving marriage. I am so glad I don't have to work and can spend my time nurturing my one year old and the new baby.
There's absolutely no reason to think I would die before my children finish uni and establish themselves in careers. As others have said, it could happen to anyone. If the worst did happen, at least they would be financially secure. They would also have each other.
Nipt tests can screen for Downs, Edwards, Turner's and a range of other serious issues. ASD can affect anyone.
OP, go for it if you want and ignore the judgey comments. Plenty of children are born to feckless or abusive parents. Perhaps they are the ones who should be thinking twice before conceiving.

Loads have said it’s not OP. It’s her husband.
Miles difference between 43 and 57 @Liverbird77

My parents were early 40s when I was born. This was quite unusual amongst my peers as I grew up but it really didn’t make any difference to my life. A few friends have sadly lost a parent well before I did, some as young as in their 50s. I have one parent still alive in their 80s and one gone last year. People can die at any age.

I used to live next door to a woman whose grandson lived with her.... well so I thought. I once asked her about her grandson and was horrified when she said it is my son actually. It seems she was early 50s and going through the changeand went to the doctors because she was getting fat and was told "there is a fish in that tank" I still smile when I think about it because she was scottish. Anyway she gave birth safely and a couple of years later her husband who was 55 had a heart attack and died. She told me if had not had her small son to look after she does not how she would have survived his loss. So I think the OP should go for it because people are living a lot longer these days and age is just a number.

No judgement, it's your life but I do have some experience to share with you. My own mother had 2 more children after I left home at 13,my siblings and I are 15 years apart. They are both teenagers now and have been the target of teasing in the past for having a Dad that is currently 86 years old. Worse still he has the beginning of dementia now and they have taken on a carer role at such a young age. My partner took on a lot of what he should have been teaching and doing with his own kids. If that's what it takes to complete yours and partners happiness then best of luck to you but honestly...have a think about what its going to be like for your child. Take care x

Your partners age is more on an issue

I don't think you are too old but is it really what you want. I'm also 43 and have no children and there is no way I would want now. I'm a very fit 43 and full of energy but I just feel in 5 or 10 years time I will be starting to slow down and it'll be very hard work with a child.
Add to that the fact that your DH is 57 and that's adding to the difficulty. How fit is he? How much energy does he have? You need to consider this as well.

Then there's the awful thought of what happens if one (or both of you) die while the child is a minor. You can't really assume that because you have parents and grandparents who are long-lived the same will apply to you. What arrangements would you have for the child to be cared for?
How would you cope if DH died and you were left bringing up this child (and your other two children) completely alone?

Personally, I wouldn't do it because of that but only you can decide whether it's right for you, and most importantly, for the baby.

If I am brutally honest (and I’m only doing that because this is an anonymous zone) I would judge you. It would be deep, deep down and on the surface I would be fully supportive but privately I would be disapproving of your choice. Not so much because of your age, but of your DPs. 57 is very old to be a first time parent. If being a dad was something important to him, surely he would have done it sooner?

I know life is a lottery and that many younger people are not great parents and/or die young. I am sure many, many older people are wonderful parents or surrogate parents but I would still feel uneasy about how fully a man of 67 (or woman of 53) could parent a 10 year old.

I have read everything you say about your husbands good health and family longevity but my very fit healthy parent died at cancer at 54 just 5 months after running one of the many, many marathons he completed.

I’m giving you my honest opinion because you asked what people think but it is just one persons opinion. What I think is completely irrelevant to your situation. You have to do what you think is best for you and your whole family, both the one you have now and the one you hope to have in the future.

‘She told me if had not had her small son to look after she does not how she would have survived his loss. So I think the OP should go for it because people are living a lot longer these days and age is just a number.‘

Jeez. Wtf have I just read?
You’d wish a death of a parent on a child to make it easier for op to get over it?

Are you for real?

You’ve already had 2 children. You don’t need any more. The world is already over populated.

Also, what 10 year old kid wants a 67 year old dad? It’s not fair at all.

Yes I would judge.

And it’s not about doing what you think is the best/want, it’s about what is best for the child.

I also think that this trend for having older children means that we’re heading into a grandparentless generation so it’s not just about children growing up with aging parents forcing them into care roles before they reach adulthood, it’s about depriving them of whole sections of family they will never have had a chance to get to know.

At 25 having a child for your own reasons is perfectly understandable. At 43 and 57 (the latter being the biggest issue) it is utterly, utterly selfish and makes no consideration for the child.

Who will be looking after your existing children whilst you are looking after the baby?
Why has your DH got to this age without children?
I would think you were pretty selfish to be honest.

Your age is fine in terms of wanting a baby, but I would be mindful about how difficult it may be to get pregnant and the complications of how you being older may affect the health of the baby.

Also, think about the impact it will have on your other children.

In my opinion your husband is far too told. As another poster said, if having children was so important to him then how come at the age of 57 he hasn’t already done it?

I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old and my parents who are both just about to turn 60 can cope with their excitement for about a day before they are then ready to hand them back.

My children exhaust me and I’m only 36!

Do you really think that at the age he is, your DH will be able cope with a young child? And then all the added stresses as the child gets older? Especially if they do have addition medical needs due to the ages of you both?

When me and my DH were TTC our second baby he said that if we hadn’t conceived by the time he was 35 then we would stop as in his eyes, that is the cut off age for becoming a new parent.

Admittedly I did think that was a very extreme view, but I do think 58 is too old to become a new dad, and that’s assuming you get pregnant quickly.

I think you both need to really, really think about the possible implications if you choose to go ahead.

Hi OP as said by others it is entirely up to you BOTH! Having said that DH's father was 50 when he was born and 57 when DH's younger brother was born, DH is ASD as is his brother as is our DS2 (15 ) just something to think about. DH's father was diagnosed with dementia over 10 years ago and died 8 years ago when DH was early 30' and and his younger brother mid 20's it was SO hard neither of them were prepared for it and most of the caring fell on us ( our two DS were 5 and 2 at the time ) so we were run ragged between elderly FIL, DS2 with ASD and a toddler. DH's younger brother just couldn't cope with having an elderly father with dementia and did NOTHING to help, it nearly broke DH, it was so sad and quite frankly exhausting and he said on a number of occasions that he wished his father had been younger and they'd had more time together. That's just my story and I'm sure though there are many with older parents who haven't experienced what we did at a relatively young age, I would never judge you and your husband and as someone who was judged very harshly at having DS1 at 19 ( not DH's ) I know exactly what that feels like. I wish you all the best with whatever you decide.

I’d be v worried about the high risks of miscarriage, pregnancy complication risks and risks of a range of genetic and health issues.

If for example there are chromosomal issues due to your partner’s sperm.

What is there to judge? A decision you have made thoughtfully. Bugger what anyone else thinks! I see lots of people in all sorts of different situations bringing kids into the world - some far more deserving of “judgement”. But I don’t “judge” as it’s a horrible thing to do.

FWIW I had my last at 38 but DH 48. I did all the hard graft of all the DCs at night. DC couldn’t cope. But I think that was less due to age and more to being an entitled dickhead to sleep!

I also have a friend who is now 40 whose dad is 88 and mum 78 and his dad is in great health. Far better than many parents 20 years behind him.

So many factors here and you are relatively young.