I'm 43, DH 57, would you criticise us for TTC?

[Oldoryoung]

Been together five years. I have DS from previous marriage, now aged 13 & 9.
I always wanted 3/4 children. Exh was abusive, I divorced him and they visit EOW.
Me & DH would dearly love another. He has none of his own, but his sister died (single parent) leaving DC late teens and he is / like a parent to them.
He is 57. I am 43.
Is that too late to TTC or look at IVF?
He is planning to retire next year, we can manage comfortably (not fund managers but we live in the north and had a house each 😂).
His DF is 89 and lives independently, my DP are still working in their 70s and my gran lives independently aged 99, 100 this year.

It won't be working for the children having a dad in his 80s (if he's still alive) while they're teenagers. It will set them back massively and it's naive to think otherwise

It's good that it's worked out for them. But they didn't know it would. My friend's DH was a really enthusiastic guy with a great zest for life until a couple of years ago, as I said. His DS and DIL had a baby last year and he won't get the chance to see her grow up now.

That could easily have happened with this family. (I'm glad it didn't obviously.)

My views are of course coloured by the fact that my DM's older parents died when she was 10, leading to her being abused by her uncle.

We don't know that it's worked out for them Lizzie, those kids could lose their dad or become carers any day now. They are highly likely to already be feeling the impact of having such an elderly dad. It's extremely selfish of that man to have a child in his late 60s, and of his wife too for enabling it.

I've disagreed with their choice for the reasons I've given. But they're not on here so speaking in a judgemental way about them is pointless as they won't see what I've said anyway. The fact that I spoke about my DM's experience shows how strongly I disagree with what this couple did.

There's also been a knock-on effect on that we ended up with no living DPS, apart from our paternal DGM, who still died when I was 3.

@Oliversmumsarmy

Statistically, most 60 year olds are not in full time employment. A lot of the stats group 60-64 years so it’s not easy to give a fully accurate response but I think your living in cloud cuckoo land. I’m not passing judgement on older parents, by the way. I know there are advantages and disadvantages. Let’s not kid ourselves though.

And also what I sad about my friend's DH having Alzheimer's. You can't know how it's going to work out.

It’s unlikely that as a couple OP and her H would be able to have a healthy biological child together.

Everything else is hypothetical.

My mum is 77 and is about to do a world tour!

This isn’t every 77 year old though is it? Average life expectancy in the UK for men is 80 so I don’t think most 77 year olds are embarking on world tours at all.

Anecdotes like this aren’t helpful because they aren’t realistic. Of course some people in their seventies and eighties are sprightly and full of the joys of spring but I’d argue most aren’t.

And yes, it’s possible for a 57 year old to be a great-grandparent if everyone involved had children young. He’s definitely Grandad age, all of my grandparents were younger than this when I was born and they weren’t ridiculously young grandparents.

I would think you were insane. And yes, I'd judge his age.

It’s unlikely that as a couple OP and her H would be able to have a healthy biological child together.

So you think they have a more than 50% chance of having a child who has some health issues and/or a disability, or of not having a child at all?
What's your source on this?

drspouse they actually do have a high chance of exactly that scenario - plus a much higher chance of miscarriage and the pregnancy being unsuccessful. I suppose if they are aware of all those risks and still want to then fine but I still think it's unfair personally for the father in particular to be that age bringing a child into the world

"Unlikely" means either a) very small chance that the good thing will happen or (let's be charitable here) b) less than 50% chance it will happen.

So while yes, the chances of having a miscarriage are higher at 43 than at younger ages, and the chance of conceiving naturally are also low, (so yes, there's a less than 50% chance they'll have a biological child within, say, 3 years)

BUT the chances of having a child with a disability are still very low (definitely not 50/50) and there doesn't appear to be good evidence that older mothers have more children with ASD.
Mothers over 40 still only have a 1 in 100 chance of having a baby with Down Syndrome - adding that together with the chances of having a child with ASD that's not "unlikely".

And that's got nothing to do with your opinions on older fathers. A father can be good, bad, healthy, unhealthy, and suitable or unsuitable for a child - good dads don't all have healthy children and poor fathers don't have unhealthy children!

My DH as I've posted is an older dad and our DS has SEN. I'd say that my DH is the absolute best dad DS could have. Most of the younger dads I know don't have the life experience to support him either personally or in terms of knowledge of legal stuff etc. And many of the younger dads have a much shorter fuse. I'd say an ex-primary-school-head was a very good candidate for caring, supportive (and go-getting) dad.

So yes, their chances of conceiving and carrying a child are not as high as when younger. But their chances of having a child with a disability are still very low, and have nothing to do with how "good" the dad is.

I wouldn't criticise. We are older parents. Youngest child born when I was 38 and OH was 48.
As long as you're financially comfortable (baby may want to go to uni and will need funding until early 20's), then why not start trying? If it was meant to be then you'll conceive.
Maybe also keep all the younger members of the family in the loop and hope that they'll be on side and also become attached to the baby. It would be difficult if it spoiled existing relationships.

It's not just about being financially secure though is it. Would the child rather be funded through uni or have their parent around for more than 20 years?

Statistically, most 60 year olds are not in full time employment

Not in my experience.

I am nearly 60 and about to take start a business overseas as well as one in this country.

Dp 64 is just changing jobs.

I think there is a certain section of society who are old before their time.

My friend who wants to die at 60 (a geriatric nurse) never looked after herself, never did any exercise, never ate a vegetable, never even used moisturiser let alone sun cream.

Her family and a lot of the people she grew up with are the same.

They think 70 is ancient.

Not in my experience
Yes but your experience dues not reflect the statistics. You can’t say oh well I know an outlier so the statistics are rubbish because all you know is an outlier. It presents no evidence.

I didnt say someone who is older couldnt be a good dad - that doesnt mean I think it would be fair on a child of 18 to have a parent of 75 who could have said parent become very ill/reliant on a child of 18. also it is likely (given the life expectancy of a Male) they would not be around for their grandchildren. I know unfortunately that is just the way it is and not everyone gets that luxury but I know my mum and dad were invaluable during pregnancy and having children.

gamerwidow

I can only go from my experience,

I am horrified at how old thinking the younger people on this thread are.

I am that 60 year old who dealt with teenagers going through the menopause and still have teenagers living at home.

I am not sure why people think it is the most horrific thing to happen.

My friend who had her dc at 46 looks so much younger than the other mums at the school gate. Not everyone looks or acts their age.

According to most people on this thread when you hit 60 your body falls apart and your children needs to become carers.

When in reality the ones that had children later are the ones who are the fit and healthy ones
(If they weren’t they wouldn’t have been able to get pregnant in the first place)

I suppose essentially I'm looking at it as pros and cons - I think the cons outweigh the pros in this situation

Oliversmumsarmy I think theres a big jump from 60 to 75 personally. you were un your 40s not 50s presumably

Statistically, most 60 year olds are not in full time employment

Can you give your source for this? The closest I can find in government stats is that almost 70% of 55-64 year olds are in employment.

And other evidence that shows that this age group are experiencing increasing unemployment (rather than enjoying retirement) due to ageism.

I know I'm late to the party on this, but my dad was 56 when I was born so I do have an opinion on this.

He didn't have the energy to run around and play with me when I was younger. People at school always mistook him for my grandad which I found embarrassing. By the time I was 16, he'd had to give up driving. He was seriously unwell in his later years ,and passed away when I was 29. None of my friends had lost parents at that point, it was really hard as I felt like no one understood. I also always felt like I had to tell people 'he was really old' as everyone assumed he'd die young from cancer or another illness.

I felt like at 84, he lived a very full life, but I hadn't had a full life with a dad.

I would really think about the effect this could have on your children, it's not as simple as whether you can physically have them or not.

But people seem to suggest that at 60 you are incredibly old, you can’t work F/T
and your body will fall apart at any minute and if you are not being realistic and start to curtail your life, stop doing anything that might make you happy like getting a dog then you are being delusional and should be preparing yourself for death.

For me it's a 'hell no'. But that's on a personal level.
At 51 I'm loving my freedom and getting my life back. To start again now would be a nightmare.
He is 57 and that will make him a very old dad of a teenager.
But... if he is really up for it then I say go for it. He's not had to do it before so he's not 'starting again'.

His family history is good for old age etc....
A child may wipe him out but it might keep him young.
I work with someone who has had her 2nd baby at 43 (1st at 41) and I would not consider her to be an old mum.
Can you have a google and see if you can hire one of those dolls you have to look after?
It wakes in the night and needs feeding and changing etc...
See how that goes and if he is really able to cope.
Your life OP and your decision to make together!

If you conceive very quickly, then your DH will be closer to 58/59 when the child is born, so nearly 70 when it is about 10. Pushing 80 when it is 20. Believe me, is a world of difference in terms of energy between being nearly 60 and being nearly 70 even if you are in good general health.

There is a late teen and a 13 year old in the family, it is possible that in about 10 years time one or more of them will present you with a grandchild to love and enjoy. I would spend those ten years having a great active busy retirement looking forward to being doting grandparents who can have the joy of loving a small child combined with the pleasure of handing it back to its parents at the end of a tiring day.

All parents should consider what happens to their children if they die or are incapacitated, only older parents really imagine it might happen.