I'm 43, DH 57, would you criticise us for TTC?

[Oldoryoung]

Been together five years. I have DS from previous marriage, now aged 13 & 9.
I always wanted 3/4 children. Exh was abusive, I divorced him and they visit EOW.
Me & DH would dearly love another. He has none of his own, but his sister died (single parent) leaving DC late teens and he is / like a parent to them.
He is 57. I am 43.
Is that too late to TTC or look at IVF?
He is planning to retire next year, we can manage comfortably (not fund managers but we live in the north and had a house each 😂).
His DF is 89 and lives independently, my DP are still working in their 70s and my gran lives independently aged 99, 100 this year.

Most people on here will say no, I'v witnessed this in real life and it's fine.

TBH I would judge.... but I would never admit that in real life.

I’m 42 now and can’t imagine managing the relentlessness of the baby/toddler years. And as a secondary teacher I see first hand the impact on teenagers who have elderly parents. Sorry, I wouldn’t.

I wouldn't criticise, but I would think 'who are you really doing this for?'

I was in a hotel bar last night where 2 guys were talking. Mid 50s was my guess. 1 had a new baby (7 months) same age as his grandchildren and basically he was saying it was the worst thing that he had ever done. He was talking about dying before the child reach uni age, not being able to cope now, not being able to afford the costs, having no energy to manage etc etc . His children resent him.

He had been (re)married for 4 years and children had not been on his radar apparently (although he admitted he did nothing to stop them).

Do you both feel the same way?

Go for it! Doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

How far off are you from the menopause? I ask because lots on here seem to be starting it younger and younger.
As a retiring Head I am surprised he has not had enough of children :)
How long will it take you to get pregnant?...all needs to be taken in to consideration.
You may feel up to it now, but what will it do to your family dynamics? How will it feel 10 years down the line when you are both 10 years older?

You are not too old. Anyone ever judge a man early forties?

No.

Your DH is too old, any woman getting pregnant age 57 would be news. However many people bring up their kids as single parents so one parent being young enough is okay.

I also think people having kids really young isn’t always good either. I was judged harshly for having a child older, from a family member who had hers aged 19. She definitely judged! However I do think that I had the wisdom and maturity, stability and income that she lacked. She will be around for the whole of the child’s life and so her child will have that, bit their childhood stability wasn’t as good.

Swings and roundabouts unless you are extreme. 43 is not extreme.

I am 42 and DH 51. I would love for us to have a baby, but I know there would be challenges. I think you have to be prepared for two things. First, I think you have to be financially secure to be able to manage with just one of you. That is the easy part. Second, I think you have to accept that one of you might be a bit behind the times in terms of parenting. I went to a children’s performance at Christmas and saw a 50 plus dad try to reason with a ten-year old. It just doesn’t work (on the other hand, your tolerance for shit is quite low but also the fact you don’t sweat the small stuff is also important).

I'd be worried about the link between older fathers and babies with ASD.

We're both into it, we put the conversation away but it keeps coming back.
My BFs who are DS godparents - one is 44 with a 4 year old, one is 43 and pregnant with her first.
I have a childless sis aged 41 and DH has a niece aged 23 with a 4yo and a NB.
I am doing it for me/us. My reservation is how would it work out for the child (if we manage it).
People whose parents were 40-50 - how was this for you?

And as a secondary teacher I see first hand the impact on teenagers who have elderly parents. what is the impact out of curiosity? And OP will be in her 50s when he child is in teeenagehood, hardly elderly!

I'd be far too concerned about increased risk of ASD. No, I think it's too old to TTC, tbh.

57 is too old to bea new parent. I wouldn't inflict this on a child.

A friend of mine married an old man. Their DS us 11 with a 70 year old dad...ppl think it's his Grandad.

He's embarrassed by it and won't bring friends home.

Be prepared for it to not work anyway

The gametes are pretty aged in the pair of you, tbh

Did you not just have a thread about this?

I wouldn't it's hard enough being a parent in your 20's and 30's. At 43 mine will be 11 and 14 there's no way I'd want to start all over again. My parents especially my dad were older parents that people thought my dad was my grandad. My parents have both passed when I was early 20's

Re ASD - the ASD / ADHD / ADD I see at school is predominantly in mothers who had DC in their late teens / early twenties.
It's more common in all age groups.
I guess when I see twenty three year olds barely feeding/caring for their fourth DC whilst pregnant with fifth, I think (yes, judgementally), Really?

No way. In 10 years you will be on your knees.

What if one of you gets ill in those ten years?

Menopause is brutal energy wise.

I'm 48 and there is no way on this earth I could contemplate this. At 43 I probably could have done, then my periods stopped and I went into menopause, don't underestimate this and the effect it has.

You will have to pick up the slack in this new marriage, it won't be easy. Your husband is too old. Mine was at 54. Yours definitely will be.

No one should judge you, OP. It's none of anyone else's business but yours and your DH. If you both want to, go for it!

Is asd more common in older mothers?

I can hand on heart say I’m a better and much more competent parent than when I was younger. I have a child with disabilities and in a way, thank goodness they have a parent who can manage them!

Energy wise - fine.
Baby years were fine - I did more and stayed at home longer as I knew this would be my last, and wanted to appreciate it more.
Pregnancy healthy. Conceived naturally.
I don’t get caught up with the small stuff. I manage behaviour really well.
All my DSs friends think I’m the young parent as I listen to music they like. Which is their marker for age.
I enjoy my kids more.

Downside - I do worry about being there for them in the future. More conscious of having to look after myself. However I’ve still got years and years!

Which is why 57 I wouldn’t consider it.

But 43 I would. But in a harsh way your kids are the priority. Looking after your partner if he gets older and ill isn’t. Get really good health insurance and keep healthy!

@aroundtheworldyet not necessarily.

I think it's reasonable and what you have your heart set on. I would consider having a child in my 40s if the situation seemed right (so far childless and 30 something).

If you have a successful pregnancy then DH will obviously be almost 74 when your DS or DD turns 16 so that's something to consider but it isn't that unusual.

@SandyY2K thats sad for him to feel embarrassed

My parents were 40 and 42 when I was born.
It was never a massive problem for me though as a teenager I did find them embarrassing but then most teenagers do of parental age!

In response to the people above children of older parents can sometimes be a little different than their peers in terms of dress etc but it’s unusual for them to be badly behaved which is far more important.