I'm 43, DH 57, would you criticise us for TTC?

[Oldoryoung]

Been together five years. I have DS from previous marriage, now aged 13 & 9.
I always wanted 3/4 children. Exh was abusive, I divorced him and they visit EOW.
Me & DH would dearly love another. He has none of his own, but his sister died (single parent) leaving DC late teens and he is / like a parent to them.
He is 57. I am 43.
Is that too late to TTC or look at IVF?
He is planning to retire next year, we can manage comfortably (not fund managers but we live in the north and had a house each 😂).
His DF is 89 and lives independently, my DP are still working in their 70s and my gran lives independently aged 99, 100 this year.

I know quite a few people in a similar boat to you, OP who have decided to 'go for it' over the last few years!

I had a DC at 44, with no problems. DH is a few years older.

If I'm honest, I probably would judge you

Judge what?

A large number of our friends and social groups are older parents - it wouldn't raise an eyebrow round here!

I think it would be very difficult. No way would I want to go there at that age - I could understand more if you didn't have any but as you already had two I really can't see the point. If your DH was in his 40's too then maybe but honestly I don't think you can get to 57 and expect to become a parent - I know some men do but I think most people are understanding that ship had sailed.

Don't invite people to judge you. Just do whatever you think is best for you and your family. It's not anything to do with anyone else.

I think you'd just need to consider in this pregnancy you would feel the physical effects more; both during the pregnancy and after, and I do think your DH would struggle, but then if hes going to be retired maybe the share of the night waking etc will be split.
It sounds like you come from healthy families and are healthy yourselves, so why not?
There is nothing at all to judge,
Wishing you lots of luck and happiness whatever you choose.

Of course I wouldn't judge you, but I'd privately think you were bonkers.

My DH is 57. He went pale when I told him about this thread

I wouldn't criticise because I dont look at children and think I their parents are worthy of my judgement due to their age.

I am usually, totally oblivious have much more important things on my mind.

My dh is 52, just this morning he declared he was thinking about a fifth child. I’m late 30s, and tbh my last pregnancy was when I was 33, and i felt it more. Birth was fine, practically popped out in one go, but every ache, reflux, pgp was felt more keenly. The Braxton hicks alone felt like labour pains from about week 30. Another pregnancy would likely finish me off!!

Besides my son has asd traits as well as other SN, he was conceived when dh was 46, the fact that age of fathers is linked to higher chance of asd and other neurological issues means it’s a non-starter for me. It’s hard work having a child with additional needs, be prepared for this.

If it's right for you - then no, it's not too late. It's your life after all. Many of my friends have had babies mid 40's. Only advice I would give is that it's more exhausting than in the earlier years. My FIL has a 2 year old, he's just turned 70! His wife is 43. It's hard work but they have a good support network and they don't regret their decision to have a baby at all. I hope it works out for you

I wouldn’t because I had ds at 45. Dp was 56.
Completely uneventful pregnancy, admitted slow and then assisted labour. Ds is perfect and now 11.
It wasn’t a planned pregnancy but without doubt the best thing I have ever done.
It is nobody’s business but yours. Ignore anyone who thinks they have the right to judge you. x

I would do it and not think twice about what other may think, unless it affects them directly.

Would you need ivf or trying naturally?

Good luck

I'm 39 & DH is 45 I would love another baby. I would go for it OP I don't see the problem

I wouldn't judge you but I'd think you were a bit mad.

I am closer in age to your husband than I am to you. fit/healthy etc. as is dh. my youngest is 18. I was in my 30s having all my children. Loads of older parents where I live (more so than younger ones actually)

I would really worry about the chances of mutations etc. Your husband's age is as much - maybe more of - a concern as yours. I also honestly don't know how I could cope with an infant/toddler in a few years time. I have NO idea how we would have coped with a teenager with difficulties (as one of ours had) at age 57 and 72. It was hard enough at much younger ages. Could your husband deal with a teen battling, say, MH issues and academic struggles, when he is 72 or older? I'm not sure how well my dd would have done if her dad wasn't as active in her treatment and life as I was.

Age is just a number the way marriage is just a piece of paper. I am getting older. Things are different. You don't stay young until you die - you change gradually - each change makes you a bit different.

So no I wouldn't do it myself but also no, I wouldn't judge you as a bad person or anything. It is entirely a personal decision.

No way would I judge you! I would probably judge anyone who did though - they should mind their own business!

I had DC aged 40 and 42 (although my DH is 4 years younger than me). I don't feel like they are at all negatively impacted. If anything, they benefit from having financially secure parents who are able to work part-time and therefore have more time to spend with them.

I had 'older' parents (37 and 34 when I was born - back when women had their kids earlier) and didn't have any issues with that growing up.

Absolutely ho for it. Dh was 62 and me 42 when latest DD born. We had joint 15 year old and he had adult working parents my parents and GM similar to yours.
DH been so much more involved, engaged and on board than with any of his other children, he said he has enjoyed having a baby more this time round as he is a more established person in himself. ( he was working badly to establish a career when his first 2 were born) and he was not long divorced with our first . It has been nothing but good for us.

No, I wouldn't.

Yes I would, I think. For you I feel it’s completely unnecessary and a bit daft to do it all again now.

I do understand your husband’s position much better but I still think it’s a ship that’s sailed and he should accept it now. I suppose it would depend on the reasons he’s never had kids before.

Also, as the age gap between you is large, you really should think about the risk that you will be left alone to manage a teenager - or worse still, he might be. How will a man in his seventies cope if anything happened to you? Sorry to be morbid but these things need to be considered.

No judgement here. I know plenty of older dads and they are tons less selfish than some of the dads I read about on here.

It's so funny that no-one has mentioned the environment yet!! Post about having a third and everyone will tell you you're killing the planet!
Sorry OP! That's an aside! On your situation I agree with @mrburns, only you know yourself and your DH and no one can predict how it will turn out When ever any of us have kids! Try not to think about what others think. I'm sure there are groups for older parents where you can maybe get to chat and find some advice. Good luck! And to answer your question, no judgement here but perhaps a mix of thinking you're insane and admiring you!

I'm 40 and have a nearly 3 year old... albeit on my own but it's exhausting. I could never do it all again.

My partner’s parents were 43 when they had him. No regrets from them or him. He’s 36 now and they are both still healthy.

In my opinion it’s selfish. Very selfish. You’ll be pretty old when your child is a teenager and your husband will be ancient. Lack of energy and potential Ill health need to be considered.

Completely selfish on the child. Your partner would be a pensioner before the child was an adult. Imagining the teasing at school too.

i dont think you are too old at all, and his age really depends on what sort of 59 is he... is he fit and active and fully enjoys life or is he more settled and just wants to be like a sloth everyday and do as little as possible... if hes active and living life to the full than he will be an active dad and it wont matter how old he is when they turn 18, but if hes already acting as though hes on deaths door then he might not be an active parent and that would be unfair on the child... only you know what "parent" he is and will be

Maryshelly is spot on

Many things are unfair in life, having a parent who is abusive, neglectful, alcoholics, drug addicts, homeless, the list goes on. Having a parent who is older than average but loving and supportive is extremely lucky and not unfair in the slightest.

My parents are a bit younger than your DH and struggle with my son. They are both reasonably fit and active and still working but they can't really cope with a baby for more than a couple of hours as its just too exhausting. They don't have the energy that they had 30 years ago and can't keep up.