I'm 43, DH 57, would you criticise us for TTC?

[Oldoryoung]

Been together five years. I have DS from previous marriage, now aged 13 & 9.
I always wanted 3/4 children. Exh was abusive, I divorced him and they visit EOW.
Me & DH would dearly love another. He has none of his own, but his sister died (single parent) leaving DC late teens and he is / like a parent to them.
He is 57. I am 43.
Is that too late to TTC or look at IVF?
He is planning to retire next year, we can manage comfortably (not fund managers but we live in the north and had a house each 😂).
His DF is 89 and lives independently, my DP are still working in their 70s and my gran lives independently aged 99, 100 this year.

The odds of IVF succeeding would presumably be v low too.

Ur DH is the same age as my dad, I’m 34

Do what you like.

We could all die tomorrow.

It you are both healthy and you want a child together, go for it.

Sounds like you have a good start, financially stable,a wanted child, childcare in place, if I was you, I’d be going for it, good luck.

Those who d judge would do so because they like being given the chance to be judgmental. Thats their character. Life is best lived avoiding these people. Leave them to their hideous circle of judgmentalism.

Conceiving at your age has its risks. Inform yourself about them and then make your decision. And if you decide the risk profile is for you - give no fucks about what the judgey mac judge panths think about it.

I wouldn’t judge as it doesn’t impact me but personally I could never. A few years off retirement to think about sleepless nights, potty training, trips to the park early in the morning because your toddlers been up since 5, tantrums in the supermarket- can’t think of anything I’d want to do less at that time of my life. Children are exhausting!

I wouldn’t personally (I’m permanently shattered now, aged 32 with a toddler- I can’t see myself doing it again in 10 years!) I wouldn’t judge anyone who did though- my close friend has just had a baby aged 43, she’s a great Mum.

This is almost my mum's situation. Her and her OH, with whom she'd been for ages but married late and urge for a child came suddenly. She was 42 and he was 56 when DS was born.

For my mum it was absolutely fine. She was young looking and minded, and had tons of energy. My step-dad was already old looking though, and was much more a granddad from the start than a dad. He too retired when she was born so really helped with the night feeds etc..., which was great, but by the time sister started school, and he was almost 60, he was out of touch with things.

By the time she started secondary school, they were not close at all. He wasn't interested at all with her life as he felt so remote from her generation whereas my mum made a lot of efforts to keep up. Added to that were his health issues. I'd had cancer and treatment, survived but was undergoing further tests, so his preoccupation was with his health. He died suddenly from a stroke as they were on their way to a party. DS was only 14.

Of course there is no regrets. My DS is a wonderful, well adjusted young adult and I can't imagine her not being in my life. TTC for her was definitely the right thing in retrospective.

I do agree about doing research on the chances of you becoming pregnant with a healthy child. We always hear about women giving birth in their mid-40s, but the chances of a pregnancy to terms remain very low after 42/43.

I thought I was perfectly fertile in my early 40s yet went into the perimenopause at 43.

IVF, unless you are mega rich, because you won't get it on the NHS, is a definite no go. The chances of a pregnancy to term is about 2-5% at your age.

My dad was around this age when he had me.

It was fine when I was a small child
But as I got older I realised he wasn’t able to ‘dad’ stuff with me die to his age. He was also very old fashioned compared to my friends dads.

He got Ill when I was 15. I remember worrying a lot that he would die. He passed when I was 24.

I think it’s selfish of you to consider this. It may be ok now. It definitely won’t be as you and your husband get older.

Yes I’d judge
Sorry but it would be completely selfish and the potential health issues reported here would definitely make me think better of it

I think it selfish. I have a couple of friend that had (note had, the parents died when my friends were in their teens and early 20's). They didn't like it for many reasons. One has a much older brother and sister and there is an underlying resentment because they got good time with her parents while she never did.

It's your life, do what you want.

Worse things in life than an older dad. Too many kids have father's that couldn't give a damn about them.

I'd judge, I'm afraid.
Every child I've known from older parents has hated it and vowed they wouldn't do the same to their children.

I get the impression that you aren't too keen but your dh wants a child.
I don't think you are too old but I do think your dh is.
I only know One person who had a dad of a similar age, he died long ago.
She was close to her dad but not so !such her mum. Her mum is now ill and it's a strain for the woman I know.

There are huge medical risks and it is a fact that your husbands sperm will be of very poor quality. Humans are not designed to reproduce at 56, just because you can doesn't mean you should . I could have had a child at 12 but that doesn't mean it's a great idea.
Having said that its your decision and only you know how you feel. You sound very level headed so good luck with whatever you decide.

I wouldnt care. Id imagine it would be hard to find the energy for sleepless nights etc though. What if you get a screamer? A runner?

Up to you though.

You’ll be the one doing everything, your DH will be to old to be doing the running around. Long as you can cope with that.

To your face? No. Inside my head? Yes.

From what you've said, the pair of you are already responsible for 4+ DC, all of whom have experienced loss, trauma, and insecurity. Isn't that enough? Can't you put your energies into giving them the security they've not had, rather than taking away time from them and risking huge disruption?

And your DH is too old to become a first time (!!!) Dad.

Sorry I think it’s too old. My parents were 40 and as unpopular as it is to say it, I think that was too old despite being seen as normal now. If you do it, make sure you have watertight life insurance etc and know what you would do with illhealth etc. Now obviously I’m glad I was born but I had quite a lot of shit to deal with as a teenager and young adult. You also need to think about the age gap and the life for your older children if you introduce a new baby.

My dad was 60 and my mum 37 when one of my siblings was born. Other siblings were all under 10. They were both younger for longer as they were looking after little ones. Age caused no problems at all

Being judgemental on this one thing (that the OP asked about) does not mean people do that for everything BeardyButton.

That are plenty of things I'm live and let live on. The welfare of DC/potential DC is not one of them.

You asked about how it was having older parents. I was mortified that my school friends thought mum was my grandma. Didn't want to be seen in public with her. Dad was older and rarely left the house! I said I'd never have children after 38 to avoid that scenario. Then I had one with a ex who was 10 years older. He's like a grandad to them, sees them eow but mostly sleeps apparently. I wouldn't do it. And doesn't sperm diminish in quality after 50?

Hi there! I had my second at 46. I was very concerned about the risks - but actually my pregnancy and birth were smoother than my first pregnancy. I had a c section and - for me - this worked far better than the vaginal delivery with my first. I am LOVING everything with my son - as he feels like a miracle. His older sister completely dotes on him - and I think it’s great that they will have each other when I’m old. I’d say as a nursery nurse and headteacher, you’ll be great parents. There were other factors involved with me - please pm me if you want more info!

My father was 54 when I was born; my mum was younger than OP, in late 30s. I never had a big problem with her age although I do remember trying to get her to dye her hair and dress younger etc! However the age gap with my father caused no end of problems. His attitudes to parenting were decades out of date (children should be seen and not heard ), he was very much TV & slippers, never did much with us. Yes I was very embarrassed by him but the biggest issue by far was the generation gap and his absolute unwillingness to understand/ adapt his views now that times had changed. He lived into his 80s but we had a very distant relationship.

I would think very carefully about the impact on a child of having such an old parent as your DH.

I wouldn't judge you in that sense, but I would think you're bonkers.
My DH is 56. We have a grandson whos 18 months old. When he comes to stay, we are exhausted after a couple of days! And he sleeps 12 hours every night, is delightful and fun. But it's hard work. Your DH, as he sees never had children of his own, will have no experience of the bone aching exhaustion that the early months of parenthood can bring.
My own DDs were born when I was 25 and 35 and believe me 10 years made such a difference physically. Surprisingly, I conceived quicker, had an easier pregnancy and the birth was easier with dd2, but boy oh boy the first year of her life was sooo hard. And that's with a DH 4 years younger than me.
A friend of mine is 5 years younger than you but her DH is the same age as yours. He retired a couple of years ago. They have a DD born just as he retired, his first, her third. The plan was that she would work part time as DH would be able to look after the baby and there would be no child care costs. In reality, he's found it too hard physically, the baby went to nursery, she had to return full time to cover the cost. They had to buy a bigger house, bigger car etc. And in reality, her two other dcs actually resent their sister as she takes up lots of mum's time.
Your DH is probably looking at this through rose tinted specs. Which is great until reality kicks in. It's not like deciding to emigrate to Australia because it looks good on the telly, you can't change your mind and return to your old life if you don't like it.

OP I really wouldn’t worry what other people think. Me and DH are both 40 and expecting our first child. We will try for a second when we are about your age. I know it’s different because DH is much younger than your partner but we’ve still had the odd comment about our age.

My DHs dad died suddenly when he was 12 and his Dad was only 42 so having kids young does not guarantee that both parents will be there into adulthood. Having said that obviously the odds increase with age of getting sick but you can plan for one or both of you not being around. TBF it’s the sort of thing parents of all ages need to consider.

In a similar vein trying for a baby in your 40s does not mean you will need IVF, have miscarriages or it will be hard to conceive. I have friends who’ve had kids without problems in their 40s, also friends who’ve needed IVF or experienced infertility in their early 30s. In my case I had a couple of miscarriages at 39 which was horrible but I fell pregnant very quickly and I’m now 28 weeks pregnant with DS.

My point is everyone has a different situation and there’s no way to predict the future. What matters is feeling you have the resilience to deal with worse case scenarios.

There’s a lot you can do to mitigate health risks like keeping healthy, keeping stress levels down and having a plan should the worst happen.

Also just because some people had bad experiences with having older parents, doesn’t mean your child will. My friend is 40 and just lost her Dad in his 90s. She had a fantastic relationship with him right up until the end. I’ve also found people with older parents a lot more mature and sensible. I’m not sure if there’s a correlation.

The odds are probably in your favour of having a healthy baby and a long and happy life together. If you both feel you can deal with the demands of being parents at this stage of life then I would say go for it. Put other people’s judgements out of your mind. I wish you both luck. Xx