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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I knock his door after 40 years?

258 replies

mrsdaz · 13/01/2020 23:35

Thanks to a popular dna website I’ve just found my father after 40 years. I have his address. AIBU to knock on his door? Or should I send a letter?

OP posts:
Honeybee85 · 13/01/2020 23:36

Send a letter first.

Xiaoxiong · 13/01/2020 23:36

Why did you lose touch? What are you hoping to get out of making contact now?

Dellow · 13/01/2020 23:36

Letter best to begin with probably? Does he know you exist ?

Cryingoverspilttea · 13/01/2020 23:36

Send a letter 😳

Original poster
mrsdaz · 13/01/2020 23:38

He knows I exist. I was the result of an affair whilst he was married.

He is rather old and probably won’t be around for many more years.

I’ve managed pretty well in life and have a good career, lovely home and family - but I’ve always wondered as you do!

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 13/01/2020 23:45

If he didn’t want to know you for 40years - do you think he will welcome you now ?

I wouldn’t bother . And I didn’t with my own similar situation

KellyHall · 13/01/2020 23:47

I'd send him a letter if you feel compelled to make some contact. If he doesn't respond then you have your answer once and for all.

Original poster
mrsdaz · 13/01/2020 23:49

Yeah - you are right and I’ve felt the same all this time. But just having a little wobble now wondering if I’ll regret it in years to come!

OP posts:
TigerOnATrain · 13/01/2020 23:50

@mrsdaz OMG don't do it! Don't knock the door. You could ruin his life, and the lives of everyone around him! Shock

Sorry to be harsh.

Is there no way you could contact him without ANYONE else finding out?

As a pp said, why do think he will want to know you, if he hasn't been arsed all these years?

I know several people who contacted fathers who hadn't been arsed with them for 20-30 years, and every one of the 5 people I know (one male, 4 female,) were all rejected by said father. And utterly heartbroken.

TREAD carefully. For your sake, for his sake, and especially for the sake of his family/wife/children.

EmeraldShamrock · 13/01/2020 23:52

Don't knock protect yourself. So he knows you were born, did he look for you? did he put his DNA details up if you were looking is this how you found a match?
I am not trying to be unkind but I've saw friends rejected all over again.
Write a letter.

crustycrab · 14/01/2020 00:06

Going against the grain...I'd knock. Once a letter leaves your hands you don't know where it goes. How would you know he's read it? I'd knock, claim to be a long lost friends daughter if a different person (true ish) and then speak to him away from the house

beingchampion · 14/01/2020 00:10

Did your mother/family tell you anything much about him? Have you even been in contact? What do you want?

So many questions, I can't begin to understand how you must be feeling.

boatyardblues · 14/01/2020 00:10

If he’s that much older, anything could be going on in his life including dementia or serious illness. He may not be the one to open or read your letter if he has diminished capacity. It would be dreadful for a spouse or child to find out about his affair that way.

IdiotInDisguise · 14/01/2020 00:12

No, you don’t knock, you cannot barge on other family’s lives this way, because the most likely person to get hurt with the turmoil that will come from it is yourself.

Protect your heart, don’t do anything drastic that can bring misery to you. You have had a good life, and it may be, in part, because other people were protecting you and supporting you while he was out there living his life.

Evilspiritgin · 14/01/2020 00:15

Are you sure he knows about you? I would send a letter saying you’re doing your dna and his name popped up. I would tread carefully namely for your self but this could come as a horrendous shock for him/ his family, on the other hand they might know all about you

maggiecate · 14/01/2020 00:19

I suspect that DNA sites are probably going to uncover a lot of family secrets over the next few years. Did you match with him on the site or a relative? If you matched via a relative would you be able to approach through them rather than going direct.
It’s a very big decision - the desire to KNOW must be quite overwhelming sometimes I’d imagine. Have you thought about counselling? No matter what you decide how he responds it’s a lot to take on board so it might be good to talk through with someone.

Thinkingabout1t · 14/01/2020 00:20

I think if you don’t contact him you’ll always regret missing the chance of meeting him and asking questions. Be friendly - if you seem to resent his behaviour he may clam up and not give you any information.

Don’t get your hopes up building a close relationship with him. From what others are saying, that’s unlikely. Nice if it happens, maybe.

Fatasfooook · 14/01/2020 00:20

I would definitely get in touch but maybe not by knocking the door. If he dies before you get the chance to meet him then you will always wonder.
What have you got to lose?
As to everyone else saying no, you can’t barge in, you might upset his family etc,, fuck that, if he didn’t want the consequences he shouldn’t have had the affair.

EmeraldShamrock · 14/01/2020 00:21

I would send a letter saying you’re doing your dna and his name popped up
How does it happen? How do you get a name. Would he put it online to be found?

IdiotInDisguise · 14/01/2020 00:22

Exactly, but if he was a twat to walk away from his own daughter, you can’t really expect to find a nice welcoming father after 40 years.

Fatasfooook · 14/01/2020 00:22

But brace yourself for rejection

ExhaustedGrinch · 14/01/2020 00:23

I'd get in touch. My dad refused to meet his dad for years (found out in his 40s), only met him when he found out he (his dad) was dying, massively regrets not building a better relationship with him.

That said I know someone who had a child turn up on their doorstep and they sent them away and never got in touch again. Lost any respect I ever had for that person.

Get in touch but try and manage your expectations. Good luck OP.

EmeraldShamrock · 14/01/2020 00:24

I am asking as apparently I could have a brother from Dad not sure if it is true, Dad worked in the UK 45 years ago. Do you send off DNA.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 14/01/2020 00:27

I'd knock. I feel you have a right after being unacknowledged for 40 years!!. With a letter if he does not respond you have no idea he actually got it in his hands and it wasn't intercepted or lost by the postman. I get people's stuff all the time.

I say bite the bullet.

74NewStreet · 14/01/2020 00:38

How did a dna website pinpoint some random guy as your father? Don’t you need his dna?

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