Should I knock his door after 40 years?

[mrsdaz]

Thanks to a popular dna website I’ve just found my father after 40 years. I have his address. AIBU to knock on his door? Or should I send a letter?

I personally would knock .. not know sorry

I think the DNA website is the crucial detail. That was an active decision on his part, not complex sleuthing on yours. I think it's likely that he's trying to signal that he wants you to get in touch, without risking turning up on your doorstep unwanted.

Please knock, watch his reaction and decide! It can only be a win win situation if he is happy to see you. If not at least you would know better and can move on. What do you hope to achieve?

Good luck😊

I would contact him fairly soon.
He is old.
He has deliberately put his information on a public site.
You want to meet your Father before he dies.

BUT... think about what you are hoping for.
Arrange some RL support for yourself throughout the process.
Be prepared that it might not go well.

You are not responsible for anyone elses feelings but your own.
I'd probably write in the first instance as it gives him time to process it before he responds to you, rather than a knee jerk response.
I might well hand deliver it, without directly saying who I am though.

I am a person who made contact with 'long lost family' and it did not go well. I wish you better fortune. xxx

The OP said that her father is NOT on the sites himself, she matched through a relative.

This makes things different - however, he reportedly tried to find her a few years ago.

If you got a match on a dna website then he must have had his dna taken? Wouldn't this show that he was willing fir contact by doing this?

Apologies. Iv only just seen previous replies.

I still don’t understand how you can “match through a relative”. This guy hasn’t actually shared his dna with the site?

No, it doesn't sound like it. When I did my tests it identified my birth father but also someone I know to be an uncle. They tell you the likely relationship through the numbers of centimorgans of DNA. When it's not a parent you sometimes need to combine it with other information to work out the most likely relationship. My uncle is on my mother's side and in addition to the centimorgans of DNA, he had a tree. People have identified their parents through second cousins, third cousins etc with research and contacting people. This is why the sites can be a bit scary.

I mean - I am sure people in the OPs situation encounter relatives who try to deny things and/or insist on some other kind of proof. Dani Shapiro's book, Inheritance, is an really interesting read in this regard. She was the product of the very early sperm donation process.

@74NewStreet

I still don’t understand how you can “match through a relative”. This guy hasn’t actually shared his dna with the site?

That's usually how it works when someone is using an ancestry dna test with the hope of finding a parent. It'd be very unusual to find a direct match. I located my husband's dad for him using Ancestry.ca but the closest match was actually one of his dad's first cousins, of which there were loads, since his dad's father was one of 14 children. It took me about 3 months of research to work out exactly who dh's father was!

Should add, the research was basically trawling through all DH's distant DNA matches to work out which ones were not from his mother's side, and then working out who their common ancestors were, and narrowing it down to a particular person (his dad) in some other distant relatives' family trees... DH's dad hadn't submitted DNA himself, but his dad's cousin had, and that, along with loads of 3rd, 4th and 5th cousin level matches, was enough narrow down the research. And because his dad was still living, we could see what entry/position in the various family trees corresponded to his dad, but all the details were hidden, so we didn't even get a name, but I eventually worked it out from a picture of his father's (my dh's grandfather's) gravestone.

Once we knew who he was, finding contact details (actually via LinkedIn ) was the easy part!!

My half-brother finally found our dad after about five years of searching for him about 5yrs ago. I'd always known he was out there somewhere, but also that he'd been adopted & wasn't sure if he knew/wanted contact. He sent a letter via a third party saying 'hi, I think you might be my father?' so that if Dad did reject him, he wouldn't have had that direct reply/no contact. Could that be an option for you OP?

Meeting him has been brilliant though. I love him to bits. He's just become part of my family now as though he was always there.

sadeyedlady , how lovely to read of your experience which mirrors ours, as I described upthread. Things can turn out wonderfully. Let’s hope it does for the OP.
.

• OMG don't do it! Don't knock the door. You could ruin his life, and the lives of everyone around him!

Sorry to be harsh.*

Why should she give a shit about ruining his life? He had an affair. He knew about her existence and he's the one who failed to step up for 40 years! If this does ruin him then that's the least he deserves.

What did yiu do in the end @mrsdaz ?

Hi, I haven’t done anything yet. I am still not sure what to do to be honest. I need to just bite the bullet and make a decision before it’s too late! @beanaseireann

Have you written a letter ?
If he lives in your home town why not pop it in the letterbox.
Is his wife still alive ?

Go for it. Post the letter and let us know any updates!

Personally, I wouldn't bother doing anything.
It is, of course, your decision, but be prepared to be rejected or denied.

Send a simple card or a letter first, give him the same chance to process the information as you have had. Perhaps suggest meeting up on neutral territory first, maybe for a walk in a local park (I often find it easier to talk while walking as not facing each other, iyswim). If things go well you could go for a coffee or a lunch at a later date. Baby steps are needed here initially, I think. Best of luck with your decision

I'd say do it.

Because my mother was the abusive one. She stopped him from visiting, she rejected him after he'd left his wife for her. She got what she wanted - another victim and possession baby and then his usefulness ended. Probably after he suggested that beating children, trying to force a pregnant 17 year old (my half sister) to have an abortion or sign over her baby to her forever whilst grieving for her father - who had recently dropped dead - and living in filth wasn't the best environment for children.

She deliberately gave false details when asked. So I didn't know until long after my father had died - of the same disease I have inherited from him and she denied there was any family history of - that he was dead.

He might still have decided to stay away after all those years - but at least I'd have known. And he would have known that for all the 'she couldn't care less who you are, you're nothing to her, she doesn't remember you' abuse he got, that I did remember him and I had missed at least the memory of a warm and gentle, softly spoken man. And I might have been diagnosed 20 years sooner.

The worst that can happen is that you knock and he shuts the door in your face. Or you leave it and only find out later that he's died.

Be prepared for rejection, but see that as at least you know.

I have an unacknowledged half-sibling who was the result of an affair. I advise you not to bother unless you are prepared to be dismissed or even insulted.

If he didn't know you existed it is stupid to use the argument why would he care now if he didn't care then.

I am happy to talk privately but my advice would be to make contact personally. Make it clear you don't want anything but to know about medical history, have a friendship etc and then take it from there. One day it will be too late and that is worse than the limbo you may be in now.