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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I knock his door after 40 years?

258 replies

mrsdaz · 13/01/2020 23:35

Thanks to a popular dna website I’ve just found my father after 40 years. I have his address. AIBU to knock on his door? Or should I send a letter?

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 20/02/2020 11:00

I think if you want to do it you should do it. Some are worried about him and his family - I think of you want to meet him he owes you this.

Evilspiritgin · 20/02/2020 11:19

I honestly think this (not meaning just op) needs to be done through an intermediary, the whole push with dna and especially with accessibility through social media , I think it’s a time bomb waiting to go off

KahlanRahl · 20/02/2020 11:30

If he tried to meet you when you were 18 then he probably won't reject you. But I do think that you need to contact him in a way that his wife doesn't find out because that could cause a scene and you shouldn't want all that negative energy.

It's up to you what you decide, but it helps that he does know about you and has wanted contacf in the past.

CookieDoughKid · 20/02/2020 11:33

I'd knock on his door for the satisfaction but I'm a bit psycho. Lol.

Petlover9 · 20/02/2020 19:16

OP Read@ StoneofDestiny. I would be inclined to spy a bit, see what I could observe from a short distance. Maybe you will observe when he is alone and could knock then. You could always Record the letter so that you would know if it was received.
Poke around, see what you can find out first. Do not expect too much; despite the DNA you might not want to remain in contact. Having said that if people add their DNA to those sites they do it for a reason, most people would not have a reason. Something similar happened to a friend but she was 6months too late, she talked about it but the first step took her too long. She met her birth mother’s widower who was very pleasant but when asked out right said that his wife told him before they married that she had a child who was adopted and it was never mentioned again. She came away feeling worse, as if she did not matter. She showed me photos that he loaned for her to copy and found the whole thing very draining.
Good luck and tread carefully

LadyEloise · 09/05/2020 08:34

@mrsdaz
What did you decide to do?

Original poster
mrsdaz · 09/05/2020 09:05

I sent a letter and received a phone call 2 days later from his wife. She knew nothing about me which made me sad but nothing I didn't expect. I've since had an email from a sibling. They have both been wonderful about it but my 'dad' hasn't wanted to speak to me. I actually feel satisfied anyway that I don't have to wonder now and question myself.

I'm planning on meeting his wife and my sibling after lockdown ends.

OP posts:
Longlockdown · 09/05/2020 09:26

This is a good outcome - you will probably live a similar outcome to the sibling.
Maybe the 'dad' will come round to the idea, if he sees his family accepting.
I think you did right in contacting him.

Longlockdown · 09/05/2020 09:26

live a similar length LIFE to the sibling

Andahelterskelterroundmylittle · 09/05/2020 09:29

I'd knock too! I think you have the right.

Opendraw · 09/05/2020 09:29

I wouldn’t turn up. Send him a recorded delivery letter that way you know he received it. Best of luck x

Opendraw · 09/05/2020 09:30

Oh sorry hadn’t seen the update ! I am glad you got some resolution xx

AntiHop · 09/05/2020 09:30

I am glad his wife and your sibling have got in touch.

icansmellburningleaves · 09/05/2020 09:35

The posters on here saying go and knock are forgetting we’re on lockdown. Of course you shouldn’t knock on. Apart from anything you could give him a heart attack. I would write a letter with a stamped self addressed envelope inside for him to reply to you, if he wants to.
I would prepare to be massively disappointed though. He’s had forty years to find you and obviously hasn’t. That said you don’t know what attempts he could have made that might have been thwarted by your mum. Hope it goes well for you.

ComeTheFuck0nBridget · 09/05/2020 09:39

@icansmellburningleaves OP wrote this in January, it always helps to RTFT before commenting.

OP, glad you've had something of a happy resolution.

Boomclaps · 09/05/2020 09:43

@mrsdaz that sounds like you will have closure either way and it’s nice that you have been welcomed by sibling and wife

LadyEloise · 09/05/2020 09:53

I'm so glad that you have some sort of closure. Thanks

LadyEloise · 09/05/2020 09:59

Oops I posted too soon.
Is the wife the woman he cheated on, with your Mum.
If she is the "cheated on" wife, she is is being very forgiving to meet up with you.
It's odd she will meet you but he won't.

Original poster
mrsdaz · 09/05/2020 10:15

It turns out that they weren't together when I was conceived but got together very soon after. His wife has had similar situation with absent father herself so if very understanding. I actually feel like she is my relative and not him if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Downunderduchess · 09/05/2020 10:24

So glad you came back and gave us an update, I often wonder about different situations I’ve read here and how they turned out. Good luck going forward.

Boredtobeers · 09/05/2020 10:28

His wife sounds like a good person, I hope this brings you some resolution OP.

He may well come around but if he doesn't then you've gained a sibling

LadyEloise · 09/05/2020 10:34

Thank you for the update mrsdaz.
I hope you get to meet soon.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/05/2020 10:46

I have just come across your thread. I’m sorry he doesn’t want to know you but so glad you have not been rejected by his wife and children. I hope meeting someone, who understands and validates your feeling has brought you comfort.

Truthpact · 09/05/2020 10:51

That's really nice of his wife, hope you do get to meet her and your siblings after lockdown.

If it was me, if my 'dad' then changed his mind and wanted to meet me, I think I would refuse now. Its quite shocking that his wife has spoken to you and will meet you, yet he won't. Says everything really about what kind of person he is sadly.

Itwasntme1 · 09/05/2020 11:15

Well done.

I never understand why people are so concerned about blowing up the life of a parent who walked out on a child. You have a right to know who your parents are. If I had a secret sister I would want to know.

Sorry your biological dad has continued to dodge his responsibilities but I am pleased you got to know some family members.