Should I knock his door after 40 years?

[mrsdaz]

Thanks to a popular dna website I’ve just found my father after 40 years. I have his address. AIBU to knock on his door? Or should I send a letter?

OP I'm pleased for you that his wife and sibling both replied and welcoming...that's a start. Even if there is no continuing relationship, at least you know the status quo and can put your mind at ease. Otoh, you have something in common with his wife and might have made a good friend...fingers crossed she might convince him to get in touch, because she truly understands your situation.

Please update us once you've met as I, for one, would love to know because I don't expect I will ever find my father, that ship has long since sailed and why I'm so pleased for you.

Good luck ;-)

I had this after 21 years but as I was still young myself and my dad were able to build a good relationship - took me 10 years but I call him dad now and he is a good grandad to my DD.

Speaking For myself I just chose to forgive him for the absence

A relative is in a similar situation- they made contact by letter. They got two or three letters in return but when a meet up was mentioned was never heard from again. Not surprising really. The father left the mother in the lurch many moons ago and ran for the hills, offering her a £5.
The child was adopted. The birth mother's family never knew anything.
Relative met birth mother.
Lovely apparently.
The bio dad is a widower with children who have all emigrated far away.
He's all alone now and yet has no interest in his bio child or grandchildren.
With Covid19, relative wonders how he is doing. Perhaps he died ?

@mrsdaz
Any update ?

Definitely letter. Special delivery so you know he got it. Good luck x

@mrsdaz

Yeah - you are right and I’ve felt the same all this time. But just having a little wobble now wondering if I’ll regret it in years to come!

Just do it. You will always wonder otherwise.

My friend met her dad after 30 years and he had tried to make contact but blocked by the family as the mum had comitted suicide.

She had a minnor breakdown though, so not all great

Knocking on the door is an aggressive act. You're doing it at a time to suit you, while taking him completely unawares. I know he behaved very badly in the past so might not deserve much sympathy, but he's an old man and you need to bear that in mind.

Write a letter addressed to him personally and write "Strictly Private" on the envelope. It gives you the chance to say your piece in your own time and it gives him the chance to reply in his time.

Don't expect too much and for god's sake don't get into a caring role with a man who behaved like that.

RTFT 😂