Should I knock his door after 40 years?

[mrsdaz]

Thanks to a popular dna website I’ve just found my father after 40 years. I have his address. AIBU to knock on his door? Or should I send a letter?

I think that since he has put his DNA and contact details out there to be found, especially if he knows about you, then contacting him is fine

I would do it by letter first. Send it by recorded delivery (or hand deliver) so you know that it's been delivered and ask him that if he doesn't want contact just to let you know that.

Be prepared for rejection and think very carefully about what you want from it if you do have contact with him

I would knock.

He can ignore a letter or people can talk him out of responding. He can't do that face to face.
Is he still married to the wife he cheated on? Do you know whether she knows about you?

The fallout is his problem. He's had 40 years to let people know you exist.

My gut reaction is to not care how he feels And to do what feels right for you. If he didn’t want to be in this situation he shouldn’t have had an affair and got someone pregnant. Just because he’s old now doesn’t mean he should be protected from the reality of his own actions. Can’t believe a PP said don’t do it because you might “ruin his life”!!! He wasn’t concerned about ruining lives 40 years ago was he!!?

OP, I’d want to have a good look at him. I’d probably knock on his door, but with some kind of made up excuse “hi, have you seen this cat?” Just see his face and hear I’m his voice and gauge the type of person he is. Then maybe I’d write him a letter. But it is NOT your responsibility to protect him or his feelings.

I think it would be a good idea to send a letter first.

I am also nearly 40 and contacted my biological Dad for the first time in December, (however, he had not known that I existed as my Mum never told him she was pregnant when they split and then she was forced to put me up for adoption)

Although he was obviously shocked he has been amazing about it all and we have spoken every day since he got my letter and met once so far.

No one can predict what will happen, but if you feel the need to try then I think you should, but be prepared for rejection and keep in mind the rejection isnt personal, he is rejecting the consequences of his actions years ago.
I went into it expecting rejection and was almost looking for closure, so his reaction caught me off guard (in a good way)

I hope whatever you choose to do that you find some kind of answers and peace with the situation.

Can you check the electoral register to see if he lives alone or if he still has a wife. If alone I would probably knock, some married couples open each others mail so this might not be the best way to go about it. I also like the idea of the pp to ask about a missing cat to guage the situation if his wife answers. Good luck op, if his details are in a DNA website I would take that as a positive sign especially if he knew about your existence.

About 30 years ago, a 19 year old woman knocked on our door, she was my dad's daughter. It was quite Eastenders at the time but no one's life is ruined. They have a quite good relationship, I was a bit put out at being ousted as the oldest child but I got over it fairly quick.

It's entirely possible that he didn't know about you and would like to, or that there was a reason that he didn't contact but time changes things.

It's also entirely possible that he's an uncaring bastard and didn't want to know.

But if you don't knock you don't know.

If it’s ancestry dna, you can contact him through that, it might be the best option, he will get an email, and then decide whether to respond?

OMG don't do it! Don't knock the door. You could ruin his life, and the lives of everyone around him! shock

Oh no, can't ruin the life of a man who had an affair, got the woman pregnant and ran, abandoning her and the child. No of course not, poor little man deserves far better.

Up to you op if you want to speak to him, but be prepared for rejection. He isn't exactly ever going to win any parenting or humanity awards. Hes a bit of a disgrace really.

Write a letter & hand deliver it. Knock on a few days later, prepare for rejection, if the DNA site told you of the match they will have told him as well.
I traced my biological father 14 years ago (not through DNA site) wrote him a letter, met up, I was willing to pursue a relationship, he wasn’t. I cried, drove past his house to try & I don’t know why... it was 200 miles away- like a stalker ) grieved a bit, for my DCs too- Who wouldn’t want ready made beautiful, young grandchildren?!

Anyway- i scratched the itch & it’s gone, re-evaluated my priorities & vowed to concentrate on my own little family & be the best mum I can.

His loss.

Obviously you are curious about your Father ,that is only natural .The problem is you may be opening a whole Pandoras Box of trouble ! Does your Mum know you have found him? What would she feel if a man who presumably deserted her when she was pregnant got close to you? Maybe send a letter first and say you have seen his name on a DNA website .Has he paid any maintnanance for you at all?Think carefully as PP have said could all end in tears .

I’d knock, rather than miss your chance and always wonder. As others said who knows where a letter would go.

My eldest uncle tried to stop my grandmother seeing her illegitimate child (who was born before she even met my grandfather). Never understood it and I’m still angry with him now. He was the only person who knows her full name etc and refused to divulge even when Nanny had died so if her daughter is still alive (she’ll be in her 70s now) she has no idea her bio mother is dead. Makes me really sad as she’s just as much her daughter as my mother is.

I was in a very similar situation OP, my Dad has now passed away, I never did get the opportunity to see if we could have built a relationship, life is too short for regrets. Good luck.

Hand deliver a letter, i'd say that it was understandable if he didn't want contact, and that I would want to be sure my letter got to him, so if you're going to follow with a knick I'd say when I plan to knock so he could make arrangements, unless I heard from him, so he could put me off.

I’ve been in a similar position and I was received well but it wasn’t what I’d imagined and cut contact again which caused hurt and I felt very guilty about it but it just wasn’t right for me.

In your position I’d do it. But just prepare yourself for lots of different outcomes and how you will manage it.

You post a letter and have no response - you feel unsure if they ever got it or if they did and just stayed radio silence leaving you feel rejected again

You knock on and they reject you leaving you feeling like shit

You knock on and they accept you but after you leave reject you - leaving you feel shit.

You knock on they receive you well but you don’t want to continue to see him - leaving you feeling guilty after opening a can of worms

You knock on and are received well and find you have lots of family and you enjoy your new relationship

Lots and lots of variables.

For me I’d knock on because I’d want to take control back. Just rip the plaster off

See if you can contact him on social media if he's on anyone of them that is. It would be a shame to miss out .. him or his extended family .They won't slap you .. so why not have a go!

I'd knock. I'd make sure there was someone there waiting for me (someone who wouldn't mind either not being included if the outcome was positive or support me if it weren't).

I'm not in the camp of thinking it's far more important to protect the feelings of a man who had an affair, created a life then (possibly) walked away.

I really don’t understand why anyone is considering HIS feelings!!? Or even her mother’s feeling for that matter.

Look, if you have a baby, do not be surprised if in 40 years that child wants to meet their biological father. That is simply the OP’s right. She did not ask to be born, her father and mother chose to have sex and risk creating a life. Now they can deal with the potential ‘awkwardness’ they may feel with the OP exercising her right to meet her biological father. Hopefully he won’t be a complete let down like he was 40 years ago.

I just read this recently - you might find it interesting for the similarities with your circumstances.

I hope this works out for you. I'd definitely go the letter route.

Don't knock on the door after all this time it will be a shock and you will get a knee jerk reaction.
There could be many many reasons why he was never involved so wouldn't automatically assume he's a twat.
A well worded letter but I would include that you are contacting him out of curiosoty and you have no expections .
You sound well balanced and that you just want to know who he is ,not be a long lost daughter catapulted into the family .

You have no idea about him and his circumstances. You don't know that he knew about you, just that you have been told that.
Write.

Well if a “rather old”, probably not long for this world man has uploaded his DNA info and given the site permission to hand out his full name and address to strangers (I remain sceptical about all of this, to be frank), then of course he wants to be contacted. Why else would anyone do this?

However, a letter should be the first approach.

@peanutfoldover thank you and the posters that followed for some sensible advice.
I can not believe those that say don't ruin his/his wife/family's life. If he didn't want repercussions he shouldn't have been waving his dick around with other women.

A letter first. He may love to see you, he may be horrified you have got in touch. Is his wife of the time of the affair still around?

OMG don't do it! Don't knock the door. You could ruin his life, and the lives of everyone around him!

I fully disagree with that. This man destroyed everything when he had an affair 40 years ago. I people discover that NOW, yes it will have a consequence for him and those around him. But that wouod be HIS responsibility alone, even though it would happen that he would feel the consequences for it so many years later. Karma can be a bitch sometimes....

Having said that, I am not sure I would just go and knock on his door. If you’ve done the dna research, there is clearly a part of you that wants to know your father (with very good reasons!!). But I think you need to get in abiut it the way that works for you.
If you go and knock wo prior warning, he is likely to close the door on your face. He has hidden you for 40 years. He is unlikely to acknowledge your existence with open arms.

So my first step would be to really consider what you want to get out of this encounter so you can tailor what and how you will say things. Maybe also consider counselling to clarify that WHY. Why do you want to see him? Do you want a quick chat with him once or are you after a longer term relationship with him? What is it you wish to get out seeing him (and, I unfortunately, is it realistic to hope he will ‘give’ you that)

@ParanoidGynodroid, that’s a good point!
Even though I suspect he might well have push that ‘incident’ well at the back of his mind and never though that said child could get his details that way.