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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I knock his door after 40 years?

258 replies

mrsdaz · 13/01/2020 23:35

Thanks to a popular dna website I’ve just found my father after 40 years. I have his address. AIBU to knock on his door? Or should I send a letter?

OP posts:
MRex · 14/01/2020 07:56

Do whatever you feel will bring you the least harm. You don't need to consider his feelings just as he never considered yours, and you aren't responsible for his other family's emotions either; any other children are surely adult by now, so they need to manage whatever the reality of their lives is, as adults. Be prepared for him to reject you, and even to be cruel. Regardless it is up to you if you want to contact your siblings just to let them know of your existence, then leave it up to them what they would like to do about it. At least they deserve to know about you.

OVienna · 14/01/2020 07:57

I have recently had a similar experience to @Peterspotter . I am adopted and my birth father didn't know about me. He also has no other children (I believe it was a lifestyle choice.) Not only did he welcome the contact, he had huge plans for how I was going to slot into his life (which I sensed could over time include meeting some practical needs) and I have had to step back. It was an extremely traumatic time.

We also connected over Ancestry. (He was on there...) I ended up phoning him.

I am on several FB adoption reunion groups and there is widespread support for the idea people in our situations have the right to do whatever they need to do in terms of satisfying the desire for contact/answers.

It might well work out for you. But do not underestimate how emotionally hard the process can be. Managing him, my adoptive parents, my own family - not to mention my full time job!- took a huge amount out of me. You also don't know how his family might react. There is that factor. You might be thicker skinned than I am!

Here's another angle: after I dealt with him I understood why my birth mum fled. It was kind of overwhelming to me to see so much of myself in a person but have that view. Given the circumstances of your parents' relationship, could that happen here?

There is almost nowhere to go when these things go wrong too - it feels like a minority view to not want further contact. I felt judged.

Hope some of this is useful to you.

ABlackRussian · 14/01/2020 07:57

I've had a similar-ish experience. I wouldn't knock on his door, although the worst has already happened to the worst that could happen!

Write him a letter.

Good luck Flowers

SallyWD · 14/01/2020 08:01

I'd definitely get in touch but send a letter first. You don't want to give him a heart attack.

peanutfoldover · 14/01/2020 08:03

As long as OP is fully prepared for him to reject her and to be as disinterested as he was 40 years ago, I can’t see a single reason why she shouldn’t knock on his door and say “hello, I’m the daughter you created when you had an affair with my mother.” Why should she have to soften the blow with a letter? Why is it that, once again, men are being protected from themselves. Next somebody will be asking what her mother wore on the night they had sex to ‘seduce’ him into it.

He will probably shut the door in her face, he may even say something like “how dare you?!” It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s a completely horrified about having to face up to reality given that he seemingly abandoned his obligations to an innocent baby 40 years ago. But that’s his problem, not OP’s. He’s had many many years to prepare for this eventuality and now he can face up to it like the grown-up adult man he is.

Mintychoc1 · 14/01/2020 08:04

Is your mother still alive? If so, I presume she doesn’t want you to contact him, otherwise she would have told you his name years ago, and you wouldn’t have needed a DNA site. So I think you also need to discuss this with her.

Moondancer73 · 14/01/2020 08:05

A letter is probably best but maybe pop it through the door yourself. Is there a way you can see who else lives at the property - 192.com maybe?

peanutfoldover · 14/01/2020 08:13

Oh blimey. And whilst seeking permission from her mother and writing the sensitively worded letter to her father maybe she should apologise for having the audacity for being born.

iem0128 · 14/01/2020 08:19

He hasn't contacted you, probably because he's worried about your response as he must have known that he's at fault. Don't be shy. If he turns out to be heartless, HIS LOSS!

Wingedserpentfliesbynight · 14/01/2020 08:23

letter, email, phone call.
Don't door step him... you both need time to process this...

TARSCOUT · 14/01/2020 08:25

Yes, knock! We eagerly await DSS knocking on our door and have every Christmas and birthday present for last 30 years waiting on him. His mother has a lot to answer for!

nameymcnamechangeagain · 14/01/2020 08:26

I would because I’m too impatient to be fucking about waiting for a response to a letter that might never come. I’d rather get it over with

Mintychoc1 · 14/01/2020 08:26

peanut I just think there must be a significant reason why OP’s mother has hidden the details from her for 40 years. Presumably she’s asked her mother repeatedly for her father’s name, and been refused. Otherwise why would she use a DNA site? So it could well be that her mother has some important facts that OP doesn’t know.

EvaHarknessRose · 14/01/2020 08:27

Remember no reply does not mean anything - he might have deeply buried emotions about this, be not of sound mind, or be convinced you are after his money or a stranger out to scam him. Contact him if you are prepared for any outcome, and if he responds take it slowly.

peanutfoldover · 14/01/2020 08:29

So if her mother is not forthcoming with any information, how is a sensitively worded letter to her father going to magically reveal that information? The likelihood is her father will never reply given his track record. She should knock on his door, perhaps take someone with her who can be nearby for support but ultimately, she can do whatever the hell she wants. If he didn’t want to be found he shouldn’t have uploaded his details to a DNA registry.

TheReef · 14/01/2020 08:30

You could rewrite but I'd post it through his letterbox rather than royal mail(that way you know it's there), or, if you can, phone him

OVienna · 14/01/2020 08:31

@Mintychoc1 I agree with this. I wish I had had the benefit of some insight before making my own approach.

As one person said to me: "It's much easier to bring someone into your life than to remove them from it."

But the OP May be less guilt prone than I am and find it easier to set boundaries...

Mintychoc1 · 14/01/2020 08:32

Well if it was me, I’d want to know why my mother had refused to help me for 40 years.

It’s a very strange post. Makes no sense.

OVienna · 14/01/2020 08:37

I kind of slept walked into this situation. You don't need a justification to do it- it's your absolute right. But try to understand what is motivating you to do it now.

I would compare planning a reunion very much to writing a birth plan in that these things very rarely go according to that plan.

Wattagoose90 · 14/01/2020 08:43

To echo some previous comments; you don't have a secret child and then put your DNA profile on a public website if you're looking to hide yourself. Chances are he's been looking for you, too.

Send a letter, prepare yourself for all eventualities.

Whatever you decide, good luck.

noodlezoodle · 14/01/2020 08:48

OP I'd write a letter to give you both a bit of space - if you knock on his door then he has to respond immediately, and if he's shocked it may not be the response you'd hope for.

Last year I read Dani Shapiro's book 'Inheritance' which is about very similar circumstances. Might be worth a read.

Inherdefence · 14/01/2020 08:50

I’m much older than you and haven’t seen my biological dad since I was about 3. I have vague memories of a thin man taking me on a picnic and then going to his mums house and then nothing. The longing to meet him and find out about that part of me and meet any subsequent siblings is huge. I had a wonderful stepfather who adopted me and who l loved absolutely but there is always a gap in my life because I don’t know my father. If I had this opportunity I don’t think I would walk away from it but knocking on the door might be a bit too much.

I agree with the advice to write first so he has a chance to get over any shock before responding to you. I’d only include an email as I wouldn’t want to be jumping and hoping every time the phone or doorbell rang. And I would be very clear that if he didn’t contact me I would be writing again soon.

Good luck OP. I hope you get the outcome you want from this. Flowers

Cheeseandwin5 · 14/01/2020 08:52

I dont agree with those saying not to contact him, you cant say for sure how it will turn out. It may not be upsetting it may be great for you and him. The only thing you do know is that you want to do it and as that is the only thing you know for certain, than go for it.
I suppose a letter would be better initially and than take it from there.

madcatladyforever · 14/01/2020 08:55

I never knew my father, he jumped ship before I was born. I'm not bothered about meeting this sperm donor but should I ever find out his address I'd turn up at his door for sure. I hope it would be very uncomfortable for him.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 14/01/2020 08:55

@TARSCOUT why is it only her who has a lot to answer for?