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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I knock his door after 40 years?

258 replies

mrsdaz · 13/01/2020 23:35

Thanks to a popular dna website I’ve just found my father after 40 years. I have his address. AIBU to knock on his door? Or should I send a letter?

OP posts:
74NewStreet · 14/01/2020 00:41

Did they actually provide you with an address?! I don’t believe it.

AllideasAndNoAction · 14/01/2020 00:50

Yes I’d also like to know the connection between a DNA website and you finding out your fathers name and address. 🤔

ParanoidGynodroid · 14/01/2020 00:53

I’m not sure a “popular DNA website” should be giving out peoples’ names and addresses like that.

Indeed, I doubt they do.

Shockers · 14/01/2020 00:53

A friend and I have traced our birth fathers. We have both been disappointed and further rejected.

Just be careful.

Bluerussian · 14/01/2020 01:01

Send a letter, a gentle one. Good luck.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 14/01/2020 01:10

Knocking on the door doesn’t guarantee it will be him who answers. What if it’s a wife, child or grandchild who has no idea you exist?

Kwkwjwkek · 14/01/2020 01:11

I would make contact with him. If he has hsi details on a dna website then surely he’s done it for a reason.

MacAndDennisMoveToTheSuburbs · 14/01/2020 01:18

I don’t see why people need to be so Hmm about how a connection could possibly be made.

If she has matched with him on the DNA website then that means he has also sent his DNA for testing, hence the match.

The website obviously doesn’t hand out people’s addresses, but the match will have his full name if he’s chosen to have that information public on the website. I’m guessing OP’s then googled the name and found an address?

OP, I do think sending a letter would perhaps be better than turning up on the doorstep. It must be hard not knowing, but handling a potential face to face rejection could be even worse.

Ishotmrburns · 14/01/2020 01:20

I'd go and knock. Life is short. You'll regret it one day if you don't try

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 14/01/2020 01:35

I think a along as you're prepared for rejection... Perhaps more likely if he has made no efforts to find you.... Or has he put his details on a finding relatives site?

Walkingdeadfangirl · 14/01/2020 01:36

He is not your father, he was just a DNA donor. Contacting him will just cause you heartache.

notangelinajolie · 14/01/2020 01:37

40 years. No. Just no.

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 14/01/2020 01:41

Op you mentioned you were the result of an affair he had while he was married....is he still married to that women?....if he is then his reaction may be to not let her find out about you (because then it would expose the affair he had)....

I think meeting in person is better as you can talk to him privately, see his reaction and at least meet him in person ... .if you send a letter and he never replies, you won't know what to do next but at least if you meet in person you will have some closure

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 14/01/2020 01:41

Letter first

DontCallMeShitley · 14/01/2020 01:42

Making contact with him might turn out very well for you. It might at the same time cause absolute hell for the rest of his family.

Being on the receiving end of the fallout is pretty bad in some cases, unfortunately, so please be careful how you approach him and if you meet, please decide carefully if any other family would benefit from not knowing or if war would break out and irreparable damage caused.

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 14/01/2020 01:44

Also op does he know you even exist, does he know your mum was pregnant and that she went ahead and had the baby (you)...did your mum ever say why he was not in your life? Was it her choice to make a clean break from the affair? Was it his choice to end it so his marriage wouldn't be threatened?.. or did she find out she was pregnant, ended it with him and he never knew about you?

OrangeHeadMummy · 14/01/2020 01:49

I’d knock.

Letters don’t guarantee contact.

And what do you really have to lose. Some other people may get upset, but so what?!

Sometimes it is good to do things now instead of risking a life of what ifs or regrets.

BringMeAGinandTonic · 14/01/2020 01:49

Nutella, the OP answered this on page 1.

stellabelle · 14/01/2020 02:01

’m not sure a “popular DNA website” should be giving out peoples’ names and addresses like that

They all do. When you send your own sample for dna testing, they ask if you want to be matched with other people , and if you give permission for your own details to be shared.

A friend of mine was matched with a daughter he'd never known about - similar to the OPs situation. OPs father must have given his permission when he sent his sample to them.

Twofingers · 14/01/2020 02:01

“OMG don't do it! Don't knock the door. You could ruin his life, and the lives of everyone around him!.... For your sake, for his sake, and especially for the sake of his family/wife/children.”

She IS his child.
You have EVERY right to approach your father but please don’t knock. Safeguard yourself and other parties by seeking appropriate counselling before you make contact. With a counsellor you can examine all the possibilities and have ongoing support for any issues in the eventual reality.
You may consider using a third party to make initial contact on your behalf.

stellabelle · 14/01/2020 02:06

I'd knock, OP. As I said in my pp, my friend met his daughter through this same situation. He was / is so happy to know her. In your case, though, I'd have a story ready in case his wife opens the door ( she could be the wife he cheated on 40 years ago). Say you're an old friend/ colleagues daughter , then tell him the truth later when he is alone. Good luck !

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 14/01/2020 02:29

I would write to him first rather than just turn up as that is bound to be a huge shock to him.

kateandme · 14/01/2020 02:44

if he has sent his sample in and allowed then for his details to be shared.could it be he knows and wants you to contact him one day when your ready?does your mum talk of him,do this sound like something he might do?

kateandme · 14/01/2020 02:46

i dont suppose you know where he works?could you go there,book apt or send letter there.so there is less chance of family fallout if it doesnt go to plan.

Monty27 · 14/01/2020 02:47

He may have been broken hearted for all those years. He may have put you out of his head.
This bit is for you OP.
I'd never forgive myself for not trying.
Be careful how you go about it though.
Find out a bit more before you approach it.
I wish you all the best Flowers

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