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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I knock his door after 40 years?

258 replies

mrsdaz · 13/01/2020 23:35

Thanks to a popular dna website I’ve just found my father after 40 years. I have his address. AIBU to knock on his door? Or should I send a letter?

OP posts:
Nomorepies · 14/01/2020 08:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

SinkGirl · 14/01/2020 09:06

Not many people so far have done these DNA tests. It’s reasonably likely that an elderly man with an estranged child who has chosen to do it and shared his details wants to be found.

I’d love to get one of these done but not until my father is dead - don’t want him to find me so I wouldn’t do it.

People are also making a lot of assumptions about OP’s mum - she may have shared his name but not known where he was, she may have died years ago, lots of possibilities there.

starfishmummy · 14/01/2020 09:11

A letter, couched in general terms eg researching family tree, his name came up type of thing.

Yes it could have a devastating effect on his life, I'm not going to say he deserves it as we dont know all the circumstances. But it could also be devastating to any other children he has and is that fair jjst to droo on them?

MRex · 14/01/2020 09:16

@Mintychoc1 - if her mother hid information then her mother was very wrong to do so and there's no point trying to force the truth out of her now. It doesn't matter what the mother's reasons were, OP needs to be prepared that this man could be nice or nasty regardless of anything her mother says.

MerryDeath · 14/01/2020 09:19

i'd be way too terrified to knock, id write if i wanted contact.

Zebracat · 14/01/2020 09:20

My friend found her father after 45 years. He was thrilled, hadn’t known she existed. He died the following year, but it was incredibly meaningful for them both, and she gained a sister, niece and nephew.. so I would contact, but manage your expectations.

peanutfoldover · 14/01/2020 09:20

To be honest I wouldn’t be particularly bothered about it upsetting other members of her fathers family. She is only going to present herself at his door and state a fact. She’s not planning to hurl abuse at anyone.

Her father (and her mother) is responsible for this situation. If his current wife and any other children are upset by finding out the truth he will have to address that. Again, why are we protecting this man from himself?

Many would say his family have a right to know.

IncrediblySadToo · 14/01/2020 09:28

Is his wife still alive?

If she is I’d send a letter, if she isn’t I’d knock - but I’d be careful what I said if there was anyone else there incase it’s one of his (other) children.

It’s not something his wife or children need to be hurt by if he’s very old.

It’s not their fault if he didn’t tell them. If Hevesy tells them you might get to know any half siblings though!

I couldn’t not contact him myself.

overnightangel · 14/01/2020 09:29

Letter

Original poster
mrsdaz · 14/01/2020 09:34

Thanks for all the replies.

He knows about me and came to see me when I was a child. He also apparently came into my work when I was 18 years old to see me but was too nervous to speak to me. My mum has had contact over the years as she would bump into him from time to time.

My mum is as much at fault as he is in the lack of contact as she would tell me things about him but give me no information on how to find him. When I told her I finally wanted to find him she told me not to.

I’ve always known his name and he lives in the same town. I was told he had other children but was also told he died many years ago which I’ve now discovered is untrue.

I matched to a relative not directly to him.

I’ve decided to do nothing for the time being. I have a busy life and no time for an old man that will possibly have some sort of age related illness and need something from me in terms of support.

OP posts:
TrickyD · 14/01/2020 09:38

About six years ago DS2 received a note from his DS. According to his mum’s wishes he had no contact with the boy as he grew up. The note said ‘I think you are my father, would you like to meet?”

This young man, our DGS, was then 20, We were all thrilled to meet him, he is part of the family now, his half brother and sister adore him, he dotes on them. As I write, he is with us all on a family ski trip.

I hope your reunion, however you arrange it, turns out as happily as ours.

TrickyD · 14/01/2020 09:41

Sorry, mrsDaz , posted before reading your update about not meeting your dad. Best wishes whatever you decide.

BorissGiantJohnson · 14/01/2020 09:49

I'd knock, if you want to. After all, he was happy to do the same to you at your job when you were 18. If he can dish it out he can take it.
I can't believe all the posters saying don't knock in case you disrupt his life! He gathered her from an affair, if this is a disruption to his life it's his own damn fault! You don't owe him anything op. Protect your own feelings bearing in mind the only thing you know about this man is that he's a selfish, self-serving lying cheat, able and willing to deceive his loved ones over years and years and happy to permanently abandon his child for the sake of convenience. He's a selfish prick. Do what you want, but remember what sort of person he is, and remember you are under no obligation to him, and you can walk away at any time for any reason, just as he did to you.

BorissGiantJohnson · 14/01/2020 09:51

*fathered, both gathered. Fuck off autocorrect!

MummyFriend · 14/01/2020 09:55

OP, you do whatever you're most comfortable with. The ONLY person you need to be considerate of is yourself. He owes you. He and your Mum are entirely responsible for bringing you into the world and for any heartache you might ever have felt for not knowing your father and he has as much responsibility to you as he does to your family. It's for him to deal with any fallout from anyone else and you are most definitely not to feel any responsibility or guilt whatsoever for that. I really do hope it goes well for you though and that you get the positive outcome you deserve. Big hugs and good luck!

EmeraldShamrock · 14/01/2020 09:57

OP I'd knock too if he has tried to contact you in the past.

bank100 · 14/01/2020 09:59

Read your update and that sounds sensible.
He has had opportunities to meet you and hasn't taken them.

But if you think meeting him will help you emotionally/ mentally then do it. And make clear it's a one off, with no continuing involvement if that's what you want. Of course you owe him absolutely nothing in terms of support

MummyFriend · 14/01/2020 09:59
  • his family!
mummaaw · 14/01/2020 10:17

Do it !!
You will regret it if sometimes happens to him, none of us know how long we have left here so if it has crossed your mind then do it, good luck x

Mol5 · 14/01/2020 10:22

Send a letter. If he is elderly, he might not take well to the shock of you on his doorstep. A letter will allow him to process things first in his own space and make contact if he wishes.

Redred2429 · 14/01/2020 10:53

Send a letter op if you want contact but it's understandable if your decided not to just think of his age though if he was to pass away would you regret not writing to him?

Smelborp · 14/01/2020 11:01

I’d knock. I’d not necessarily say who I was and I’d have a letter in hand to pass over. I’d want to know that he had got it and that he had capacity to read it though.

busylifebusywife · 14/01/2020 11:47

From personal experience I wouldn't, if you don't get anything back or answers you don't want to hear it's incredibly painful.

user1493494961 · 14/01/2020 12:19

I would knock, I think you have to try. You owe him nothing whatsoever in terms of support.

lookingatthepast · 14/01/2020 12:58

I feel I am qualified to answer this. I have been you OP. I actually have a couple of threads on here about this very subject.

Don't send a letter. You don't know who will open it. Whether he will read it and ignore or what. I personally would know. In fact I actually did this. I was fortunate the person I was looking for opened the door. I had my number written on a piece of paper to quickly hand over and said I needed to speak ASAP and who I was and why. Nothing more needed to be said. If you were the outcome of an affair the same as I was you are likely to find he will play ball and meet with you as he will be terrified what you might do if he doesn't. He doesn't know you or what you may or may not do if he messes you around (and I hate to say it but this is to your advantage)

Also as people age and they begin to reflect back on life I am sure he will be glad you found him. You will be glad you did this. Time moves quickly and life is precious and often fleeting. I know it's easy to keep putting it off and saying tomorrow next week next month
But one day time will run out. Do it and do it soon ! Good luck

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