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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents gave my sister money for house deposit

201 replies

mooneus · 16/11/2019 16:57

My sister is currently expecting her first child. Recently she moved into a 3 bed house with her boyfriend in a relatively nice area. I know on their salaries there was absolutely no way they could have afforded to buy that house. So after a bit of questioning I found out my parents gave her just over £10k for the deposit.

For the last year I have been working 2 jobs and living a frugal life to try and save for a deposit. And it feels like a kick in the teeth that my parents have stumped up that cash for her, just because she's pregnant.

Am I right to be annoyed at my parents for doing that? I understand the baby is now the priority, but it's not fair when one child gets preferential treatment.

OP posts:
Atalune · 16/11/2019 17:00

I can see why you’re annoyed.

I assume you’ll get the same though?

Worrier167 · 16/11/2019 17:02

I'd be really annoyed too. Any chance they'll do the same for you or is that out of the question?

GettingABitDesperateNow · 16/11/2019 17:02

Have they said they will help you at all?

FridalovesDiego · 16/11/2019 17:02

No it isn’t fair. Many parents are like this though, my own included. I could not treat my children differently. Could you make your parents aware you know? Maybe they plan the same for you eventually. (I’m still waiting for my help from my mum... it’s been over 20; years though 😂)

Starlet79 · 16/11/2019 17:03

You have every right to be annoyed. Will your partners help you out?

It does seem unfair. Try and talk to them about it rather than bottling it up.

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/11/2019 17:04

Hugely unfair. Can you talk to them about it?

5zeds · 16/11/2019 17:04

You feel how you feel, but I wouldn’t feel the same way. Surely you want your sister to have a nice house and your DN to live somewhere stable and in a good area???

I’m one of four. My parents helped two and didn’t help two. They gave it to the ones who needed it. Seems logical to me.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 16/11/2019 17:04

I think YABU unless it’s you we’re in that situation they wouldn’t help you. I assume they have 10k aside for you, have you ever expressed struggling to buy?

LolaSmiles · 16/11/2019 17:06

I can also see why you feel put out. There should be some comparability between children. It's fair enough to give a bit more of a helping hand if one person is a bit stuck, but to watch one scrimp and save and then hand a cheque to the other for getting pregnant is unfair to me.

stucknoue · 16/11/2019 17:08

How do you know if they won't help you too, have you even discussed buying a house with them

PanicAndRun · 16/11/2019 17:09

Do they know you're scrimping and saving for a deposit? Is it just you?

Is it a gift or a loan?

Did they put any conditions on it, i.e. she'll get 10k less when they die.

IdiotInDisguise · 16/11/2019 17:10

My sister had a similar strop because my parents helped (modestly) to buy my ex out, while my sister was saving for a house. My parents didn’t help me because they liked me better, they helped because they wanted their grandchild to stay in the same house and not move to a bad area.

Do you have children they should have considered too? If so, it is not unreasonable to be annoyed.

adaline · 16/11/2019 17:11

Are you sure it's not a loan?

Would they help you if you were in the same situation (pregnant)?

Mammyloveswine · 16/11/2019 17:11

@OnlyFoolsnMothers did you read the op? She said she's been scrimping and scraping like mad for the past year...

Op I think this is so unfair, fair enough if you were happy renting! Do they know you are saving to buy?

My parents bought my wedding dress and gave us money towards the wedding, but they've also bought my sister a car.

Now they are retired they don't have much money so give my children small gifts for Christmas whereas they couldn't give my older brother and sister much years ago but bought their prams and laptops/paid for school trips abroad etc for their children so I can understand circumstance making a difference but not when you are both wanting to buy a house. What if you never have children? Very unfair imo

churchandstate · 16/11/2019 17:12

They’ve done this for their grandchild. I understand why this might anger and upset you, but in the end a child’s need for a secure home has been met.

fallfallfall · 16/11/2019 17:12

Is there any reason to think you won’t have a similar amount of help when your time comes to actually buying. Either way the grown up thing is to discuss it.

TeachesOfPeaches · 16/11/2019 17:13

Get pregnant OP and you'll get £10k too

Bipbop2020 · 16/11/2019 17:13

I agree - unless they wouldn't give it to you it's not unreasonable!
If they're willing to help your sister I imagine they're willing to help you too - have you spoken to them about your situation?

KM99 · 16/11/2019 17:14

What's the context? Did they offer or did she ask?

Have you ever asked for help?.

Bluerussian · 16/11/2019 17:15

I don't think you should have asked where the money for deposit came from. As others have said, it could have been a loan but it really is nobody's business except your sisters and your parents.

Your parents may well be just as generous to you in due course.

NoSauce · 16/11/2019 17:17

Do your parents know you’ve been struggling OP? I can see why this would sting. If they do know, why would they give her the money and not you?

cptartapp · 16/11/2019 17:17

SIL got £10k for her house deposit (plus all her wedding paid for), DH got nothing. Unfair.

Aderyn19 · 16/11/2019 17:19

The fact that the sister is of shouldn't be relevant - you could argue that people who can't afford to house their kids shouldn't be having them. Maybe OP has taken a view that it would be irresponsible to get Pg at this time instead of saving for her deposit and seemingly her parents are penalising her for it.
If there's only 10k available and both kids need a deposit, the fair thing is to share it.
Different if one sibling is very financially secure and the other isn't, but here they both have a need for help.

Frenchw1fe · 16/11/2019 17:19

My brother over the years had most of my mum's savings. I'm not annoyed that I didn't get any but I feel for my mum as she is now quite poor and of course my brother is still broke.
The truth is whilst it feels unfair it's your parent's money and they can give it to whoever they wish.
Personally I'd sooner stand on my own two feet.

MadisonMontgomery · 16/11/2019 17:19

Do your parents know that you are currently scrimping & saving time buy? If so then it is very unfair, and I think I would be telling them how I felt, especially if the money is because your sister is pregnant - what if you couldn’t have/didn’t want children, does that make you less deserving?