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AIBU?

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Original poster

Parents gave my sister money for house deposit

201 replies

mooneus · 16/11/2019 16:57

My sister is currently expecting her first child. Recently she moved into a 3 bed house with her boyfriend in a relatively nice area. I know on their salaries there was absolutely no way they could have afforded to buy that house. So after a bit of questioning I found out my parents gave her just over £10k for the deposit.

For the last year I have been working 2 jobs and living a frugal life to try and save for a deposit. And it feels like a kick in the teeth that my parents have stumped up that cash for her, just because she's pregnant.

Am I right to be annoyed at my parents for doing that? I understand the baby is now the priority, but it's not fair when one child gets preferential treatment.

OP posts:
LimeRedBanana · 16/11/2019 17:22

How did you find out that she got that deposit money? Who told you?

If / when you speak with them, you need to be aware that you might not have the full story, and there might be an explanation. Give them the benefit of the doubt - as others have said, there might already be a similar sim put away for you, or your sister might be getting less when they pass away.

Supersimkin2 · 16/11/2019 17:27

Very unfair and unkind. Especially if Dsis's BF doesn't stay around as he'll own half the house and have no obligation to Dsis or the baby.

You need to talk to your parents and ask when, not if, your help is coming.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 16/11/2019 17:27

We gave DS 10k recently. He bought his own doer upper and has 9k saved towards doing it up. It was nowhere near enough on its own. dD doesn’t know, she is saving for her own house.

When she buys her own house we will give her the same, but if we gave it her now she would buy a house with it and have nothing to do hers up with. She also wouldn’t have proved she could do it by herself.

Are you sure you won’t get the same in the future?

OneDay10 · 16/11/2019 17:29

I personally think yabu as a baby trumps that. I assume they are doing this more for the baby than your sister. Maybe they see it as they have done their bit with raising you and your sister and this is for their gc. They might do the same for you?

Frenchw1fe · 16/11/2019 17:30

@Supersimkin2
You really would be so rude and entitled?

theendoftheendoftheend · 16/11/2019 17:32

You need to talk to your parents and ask when, not if, your help is coming

If one of my DC did this I'd wonder who the hell I'd raised.

steff13 · 16/11/2019 17:32

It seems unfair. But, conversely, it isn't really any of your business where you sister got her deposit, and she/your parents should have told you as much. Maybe they've deducted it from a future inheritance.

HeyNotInMyName · 16/11/2019 17:33

@MaybeitsMaybelline, what if your dd never ‘proves’ she can do it on her own. Does it mean she will never get anything?
If you are so sure she will be able to save that money, why don’t you trust her to save the money etc...? Why doing it secretly?

@mooneus, I think the issue I have is the secrecy. Because it secret, nothing tells you that your parents will treat you the same in the future or when or if there are some conditions attached.
A simple is have given your Dsis £10k for the house deposit and we will do the same for you when you are ready/have replenish our pot’ would have been plenty to let you know they are indeed going to tear you the same.

saraclara · 16/11/2019 17:37

Maybe your Mum has £10k put aside for when you have your first child, OP.

monkeyplanet · 16/11/2019 17:37

Do you have children OP? I understand why a parent may help a child who needs it more than the other one, or some parents choose to gift you the money or offer help when you reach a milestone like marriage or having your first baby because you need the stability more than when you are single. I know my parents reserved certain gifts for certain milestones e.g. 16th , 18th and 21st birthdays, finishing uni, first job, wedding and first child so we all on balance have not been equally gifted as we are all at different life stages. But some parents dont feel the need to explain this. Is that perhaps the difference?

Surely you would also agree you wouldn't want your DN to live in a bad area or move from house to house as parents save?

MissCharleyP · 16/11/2019 17:39

YANBU. My parents did similar; went as guarantor on my siblings mortgage (well, DM did) and I know they must have given them some towards a deposit as both DB and his DP were on low income at the time. I asked what if I’d wanted the same to be told “Well, you’re on your own (thanks for the reminder!) so you can’t afford it anyway.”

They then hated that I moved over 200 miles away to try and get a decent wage.

I did get my inheritance early a few years later when they had the spare cash. It did really sting at the time and I struggled for years in crappy shares and damp flats until I met DH.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 16/11/2019 17:41

How bloody rude to do a bit of digging because you knew they couldn't afford it on their own. It was absolutely nothing to do with you in the first place. It could have been a loan which they are paying back, it could be that you will be getting more than her as inheritance, it could be that she has asked and you haven't. And please dont be as rude as supersimkin2.

Redwinestillfine · 16/11/2019 17:43

They are not unreasonable to do it, it's their money, but I do think they should have told you. My parents did this for my Dsis but they told all the kids first to check we were ok with it (we were, none of our business really).

Redwinestillfine · 16/11/2019 17:44

By kids I mean my siblings!

MyGoodTimes · 16/11/2019 17:44

You're right to feel upset and wronged, but a lot of parents do this (going by threads on mn & from what I see in RL). A lot of parents/ILs show favouritism towards certain DC. It sucks but there's not much you can do about it. I find limiting contract the easiest way to deal with it. Then you don't have to be as aware of how unequally you're being treated.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 16/11/2019 17:45

YANBU It does seem unfair that the hard-working responsible child is left to struggle on her own, while the thoughtless child who gets pregnant without a husband or savings or property gets financial support.
When this happened in my family I told the DD that she and the baby could live with me but I was not housing or supporting BF. After 12 months she left with the boyfriend, but left the baby for me to raise, which I did and still am. All the money that would have been spent on supporting her and BF went to support that baby boy who has grown into a wonderful and responsible young man.

ScoobyCan · 16/11/2019 17:45

How far along is she?

CherryPavlova · 16/11/2019 17:52

Entirely your parents business. I wouldn’t ask as you might not like the answer. You sound jealous and jealousy only ever hurts the person allowing the green eyed monster in.
You may get something or you may not. Your parents may help you later on or they may not. You have no right to anything. I think if one of our children demanded to know when they were getting ‘their’ money, we’d probably disinherit them for their avarice.

We helped our son with his deposit because he wanted to get on the ladder before the forces help to buy scheme disappeared. We didn’t help our daughter because she didn’t need it. We are paying a significant amount for her wedding though - but that’s our choice not her entitlement. We bought them both cars for their 21st birthdays but didn’t buy our youngest one as she hadn’t bothered to learn to drive.

We love them all the same but differently. Our financial support is our pleasure not their right so we choose where it goes and there are strings attached. We pay off university debt entirely if they are successful - (preferably a first for non medical degree) but haven’t needed to for our son because he chose a commission instead. Should he have demanded cash in lieu? We’d have not given it.

Spodge · 16/11/2019 17:53

I've lived with this kind of thing all my life. It sucks. My parents pay lip service to equality but in practice have doled out all kinds of money to my sister. They "had to" buy her a place so she would finally leave home. They "had to" help her with various expenses. They "had to" tide her over with mortgage payments when she was made redundant despite the fact they'd only just "had to" help her move from a mortgage free house to one with a big mortgage, and she owns other properties she lets out. I am told some of these payments are loans but nothing is documented and I don't believe she is being asked to pay back anything like what has been given.

Neither of us has children so it is not as if the security of minors is at stake. In your case that does seem like a valid consideration.

Bottom line is that parents have no legal obligation to treat their children equally. Some would say they have no moral obligation either.

I would add that in my case my parents suddenly decided they "had to" help me out with money when I was in my late teens. I quickly realised it was a way to keep control of me. Whilst I would happily accept a no strings attached gift there is no way I would have a loan from them, or accept ongoing income-type payments. My sister is under the thumb and I am not. That's priceless.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 16/11/2019 17:55

My parents gave my brother money towards his house too. I wasn't surprised, he's always been the golden child. He can look after them when they're elderly, they've looked after his pets/childrenmhouse maintenance non-stop, after all...

JusticeForSandra · 16/11/2019 17:56

I think it's absolutely disgusting when parents start to treat their children differently, and play "favourite". Of course you are right to be annoyed. I honestly cannot comprehend parents who don't treat the kids the same way.

But genuinely, do they know you are struggling so hard to get your deposit?

I think you should ask. And be ready for a "no", or a "can't afford it now we paid for your sister's" unfortunately.

inlectorecumbit · 16/11/2019 17:59

Just saying .....

Parents gave my sister money for house deposit
BoomyBooms · 16/11/2019 18:03

Ah OP I feel your pain. My younger sibling has benefited from years of financial help and free babysitting all because they got pregnant before they could afford it. They and their partner still massively benefit years down the line. Now I'm pregnant and there's no talk of financial help and we won't be getting all the free babysitting either. It's frustrating. I see their POV 'well we can't let the babies suffer' and they're not wrong to help their child. I've had to make my peace with it because it's not worth damaging the relationships over.

everybodypuuuullllll · 16/11/2019 18:04

Do you intend to have DC one day? Perhaps they intend to do the same for you then.

Please don't let the people here wind you up so you say something to drive a wedge between you and your parents.

Do you have DC? If you do then yes it's unfair.

If you don't, then the baby does change things IMO.

Are you hoping to have DC one day? Perhaps they intend to do the same for you then?

JusticeForSandra · 16/11/2019 18:05

inlectorecumbit
spot on.