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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents gave my sister money for house deposit

201 replies

mooneus · 16/11/2019 16:57

My sister is currently expecting her first child. Recently she moved into a 3 bed house with her boyfriend in a relatively nice area. I know on their salaries there was absolutely no way they could have afforded to buy that house. So after a bit of questioning I found out my parents gave her just over £10k for the deposit.

For the last year I have been working 2 jobs and living a frugal life to try and save for a deposit. And it feels like a kick in the teeth that my parents have stumped up that cash for her, just because she's pregnant.

Am I right to be annoyed at my parents for doing that? I understand the baby is now the priority, but it's not fair when one child gets preferential treatment.

OP posts:
newbingepisodes · 16/11/2019 18:10

Have they specifically said they won't do the same for you though?

Weebitawks · 16/11/2019 18:12

I just couldn't imagine begrudging my sister this help, or my sister begrudging it to me.

Wendyasbury · 16/11/2019 18:13

No it's absolutely not fair and will cause nothing but bad feeling. I don't understand parents who do this.

Tistheseason17 · 16/11/2019 18:15

YANBU, OP. Had this with my sister who was a bit of a flake, doing drugs, stealing etc but they gave her EVERYTHING!!! Apparently, I'm smart and can sort things for myself so I didn't need the help?? I did but they just could not see it.

Ask them for your £10K deposit if you are ready to buy now.

Weekday28 · 16/11/2019 18:16

It is not fair at all. I would be upset too. I would let your parent s know that you know about it.

EffYouSeeKaye · 16/11/2019 18:17

They should have told you and explained how / when they plan to make it fair. Otherwise they are just inviting trouble. It’s the secrecy that’s the worst part. YANBU.

LolaSmiles · 16/11/2019 18:19

boomy
I think you've hit the nail on the head there about people making decisions they can't afford and expecting handouts.

If the OP's sister and her partner wanted to prioritise house buying then they could have not got pregnant and saved up, or they could have had a baby and chosen to live in a more affordable area (just like everyone else has to consider when buying a house). Having a baby shouldn't equal getting handouts to live in an area you can't afford whilst your other siblings are expected to work for it.

It's a bit like the difference between a parent helping out an adult child who needs it ve bankrolling an adult child who never has to take responsibility for their actions.

TooMuchSun12 · 16/11/2019 18:20

We had the same in our family except family member had the deposit - parents footed the bill for the rest of the house! Shock

user1497997754 · 16/11/2019 18:42

It creates bad feeling parents should treat thier children the same but they always favour one

Isithometimeyet0987 · 16/11/2019 18:49

It all depends on circumstances in my opinion. I know my sister has be given far more money than me over the last 3 years (she’s in uni) but I don’t feel I should be handed that amount because I started a business with a business partner and got very lucky it took of quite fast and now makes very good money, and my dh makes good money aswell so why should I be handed the same amount as my sister. She needed it, I didn’t. Your parents seem to have given her it because shes pregnant and have helped her now provide a stable home for the baby, if it where you that were pregnant that could have been you getting a deposit. Please don’t go and demand money like pp have suggested as if my dd ever did that because I helped one of my dc (if I have any more) and didn’t just hand them the same amount of money they’d certainly get nothing off me for being so rude and entitled.

JusticeForSandra · 16/11/2019 18:52

Isithometimeyet0987
so you would it ok to punish your child for doing well and not give them anything?

That's awful. I couldn't treat my kids differently, one might be doing superbly one year and crash 10 years later. They each deserve the same help from us.

Unless there's a medical life-saving reason, treating your kids differently is just wrong.

Curtainly · 16/11/2019 18:52

I think it's unfair, and most people would be annoyed. It is your parents money and none of you have any right to it, but to give one without the other when the other is scrimping and saving is horrible. Maybe they are planning to help you out as well?

Andysbestadventure · 16/11/2019 18:54

Ultimately OP, it is naff all to do with you. It's their money. Not your inheritance or anything else entitled like that, because they're still alive. They can do what they please.

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 16/11/2019 18:55

Lets hope the poor OP can have children or by the logic of some posters here, she’ll never be entitled to the same gift. Imagine that, being doubly punished for being infertile.

I’m sorry, OP. I think it’s terribly unfair. I’ve supported my boys at different times in their lives, but have always tried to make sure no one feels as if the other is a favourite.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 16/11/2019 18:56

Ultimately it's their money so up to them
What they do with it. However it's a horrid thing to do, not to treat siblings the same. In your shoes I'd be really hurt by this

Isthisforrealwowzer · 16/11/2019 18:56

What’s good enough for One child is good enough for the other . I’d be pissed off as well. Why don’t you talk to them when you feel calmer ask for some help yourself . In my experience parents always favour the child who has their precious grandchildren makes me sick. They forget about there own kids we’ll mine did . Yours may be nicer and may offer you the help you need . Good luck honey .

Isthisforrealwowzer · 16/11/2019 18:57

So bloody true

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 16/11/2019 19:03

Unless there's been some major row/falling out, or another very good reason, e.g. hopeless/very extravagant with money so will fritter it all away, I think parents should treat children equally. We always have.

AgeShallNotWitherHer · 16/11/2019 19:05

Can I ask what you do for your parents? Once we are adults the relationship changes. As a parent I would be less likely to help the "child" who held me in contempt, who only visited when he/s she wanted something, who didn't help with things I needed.

Adults are not children. The relationships are far more complex as we get older. And equal does not mean the same.

Ponoka7 · 16/11/2019 19:12

Equal doesn't work if you have a situation as I have with my Adult children.

My eldest and her DP earn more than I ever have.

My middle DD's Partner turned abusive when she was pregnant with her second child.

I help out my middle DD because thanks to universal credit, she wouldn't be able to live.

So it's either have her and my GC go cold and eat basic food, while I give my eldest money, which would mean that she eats out more, or doesn't wash her own her at all because she goes solely to the hairdressers (she already has a weekly mani/pedi) . Or give to the one who needs it.

JonSlow · 16/11/2019 19:15

You need to ask them outright about it. It will linger and nibble away at you for years, breeding resentment otherwise.

Yes it will make them feel awkward. But it’s like ripping off a plaster. Short sharp, just get it done.

BoomyBooms · 16/11/2019 19:17

@LolaSmiles thank you, I agree! In my case said sibling actually lied to parents to pretend baby was an accident, to get the help. They were both young and working dead-end jobs, so absolutely could not have done it on their own! In a way it tied my parents hands because they couldn't sit and watch them struggle.

Ellegeebee · 16/11/2019 19:19

I understand, I really do, my mum did this to my sister, 10k deposit, paid for her wedding dress, £3k wedding present, baby on the way. I got married and got a cheque for £60 and told to got out for a nice meal and when I was pregnant she bought me my cot mattress. I married a woman (I’m a woman) so this was an issue. The way I try to see it is does my mum love us equally? Yes she does. She has often said she couldn’t put a hair between who she loves more. How she decides to spend her money, no matter how hurtful, is up to her. I’m so sorry if that sounds harsh, it’s not intended to be.

JusticeForSandra · 16/11/2019 19:21

Can I ask what you do for your parents? Once we are adults the relationship changes. As a parent I would be less likely to help the "child" who held me in contempt, who only visited when he/s she wanted something, who didn't help with things I needed.

what 's a horrible way to parent. Playing favourite when YOU are supposed to be the adult.

monkeyplanet · 16/11/2019 19:26

@Ponoka7
That makes sense. I would do the same in your situation and would hope I have taught my children well enough that they would not selfishly demand/be upset/resent me helping their sibling. It's not black and white all the time that you split everything evenly. I would hope even if I did do an even split a sibling who is more well off would have the good sense to gift part or all of that money to the one less fortunate, because they need it more. Money that means a decent lifestyle for one as opposed to more extravagance for another...can people honestly begrudge a sibling over that?