Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents gave my sister money for house deposit

201 replies

mooneus · 16/11/2019 16:57

My sister is currently expecting her first child. Recently she moved into a 3 bed house with her boyfriend in a relatively nice area. I know on their salaries there was absolutely no way they could have afforded to buy that house. So after a bit of questioning I found out my parents gave her just over £10k for the deposit.

For the last year I have been working 2 jobs and living a frugal life to try and save for a deposit. And it feels like a kick in the teeth that my parents have stumped up that cash for her, just because she's pregnant.

Am I right to be annoyed at my parents for doing that? I understand the baby is now the priority, but it's not fair when one child gets preferential treatment.

OP posts:
Dontevenstart · 16/11/2019 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ciara1234456 · 16/11/2019 22:43

Another one all about themselves. It’s their money they can do what they like.

LolaSmiles · 16/11/2019 22:47

Ciara
I'm guessing you'll also argue it's totally fine for parents to have a golden child then, to repeatedly do more for one than the others, to bankroll one whilst others work, to routinely give preferential treatment to one child over others?
It's fine for them to play favourites with the grandkids too based on whether their parent is the golden child or not?

I mean, expecting any form of care and fairness between children is so unreasonable and anyone who has experienced golden child dynamics should probably just get over themselves.
Hmm

7salmonswimming · 16/11/2019 22:48

The deposit could be for a home for their grandchild who they think will be raised by feckless parents.

Alsohuman · 16/11/2019 22:51

It’s often nothing to do with golden children and everything to do with need. Of our four, three are on modest incomes, the fourth has a household income in six figures. He’d be the first to say he doesn’t need financial help from us while the others do.

Halo1234 · 16/11/2019 22:53

I totally see why that isnt fair and frustrating for you. However from your parents point of view could it be the ultimately want to provide their grandchild with a loving stable secure home to grow up in.....without it coming at price of parents working night and day to buy it. They probably look at you as someone together strong and able to do it on your own and see her in a more vulnerable position. It isnt fair a baby shouldn't be a money win but if they are otherwise kind and u get on with them then I think you should try and understand why the have chosen to do what they did. With the cost of childcare and the cost bringing up a baby the might have saw this as the only option to get her on the property ladder. Whilst sitting back proudly knowing you can and will do it on your own. I have 2 dc and have always said I will help them both as much as I can but if in adulthood one is more secure and independent then i would help the other more (ie one has financial security and the other doesnt). Do let money come between u life is too short (totally see why its annoyed u though. I would be annoyed too in your situation).

LolaSmiles · 16/11/2019 22:56

Alsohuman
I've already said I don't resent the support one of my siblings had because they needed it.

However, need and want are different things. Nobody NEEDS to be able to buy a property and they certainly don't NEED to be able to buy a property in a lovely area that's out of their price range. Getting pregnant doesn't mean that you suddenly get your WANTS bankrolled by your parents whilst they expect your siblings to work for it.

I highly doubt the OP would be feeling how she feels if it was a case if need.

JusticeForSandra · 16/11/2019 23:11

Ciara1234456
You make it sound like the OP should be grateful to need to hold 2 jobs Confused

Being ignored by your parents is nothing to be happy about

Pretzelcoatl · 17/11/2019 04:55

Why do posters keep calling the OP a child? The OP is an adult, and the notion that parents have to make sure they treat their adult children evenly is ridiculous and infantilizing.

monkeyplanet · 17/11/2019 05:06

Would you all really be upset that your DN had a nice stable home to grow up in thanks to your parents? Would you be so upset as to demand your share or make your parents feel guilty for favouritism when there is a baby in the mix that changes things. OP's parents left both children to their own devices "working hard and suffering" and only intervened when one was expecting. A baby can't go to work and provide for itself. Those saying you shouldn't have a baby until you plan for it, most people do, contraception fails at times and you are in a situation you are not ready for. Would you honestly be jealous or begrudge your parents helping your own sibling who needs the help more than you do? Wow, we have become a really self-centred society, you cannot compare the needs of a baby to those of a able bodied adult capable of taking care of themselves

Honeybee85 · 17/11/2019 05:27

I understand how you feel OP.
My parents also have been helping my siblings financially much more then they have helped me.

DH has same situation with his parents, they give his brother money every month to pay for his gambling addiction and DH didn’t get a single penny from them for normal living expenses when he was unemployed.

As a result, we learned to stand on our own feet but we also have said that when our parents need care at an older age, we think siblings can hire a carer to do our part.

Mermaidoutofwater · 17/11/2019 05:33

A baby does not know whether it lives in a good area or in a nice 3 bedroom house. They could have continued renting with baby and then bought the house later on when they could afford it. The gift is for the benefit of the adult receiving it.
I would be furious if I was killing myself working a second job to afford a property while my sibling was given money so they could buy their dream home.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/11/2019 05:43

What would happen if you asked your parents to lend you 10k? Eg “mum, dad, it’s lovely you are helping out dsis. I’m struggling to save for a deposit too. Would you also be able to lend me 10k to buy myself a place please?”

lllllllllll · 17/11/2019 06:22

My situation is slightly different to the OP’s, but for what it’s worth...

I bought a house with DH when property prices were significantly cheaper than they are now. When my (younger) DS wanted to buy a few years later, prices had rocketed, to the point where there was no way she could afford to buy without extra help. If I had wanted to buy at that point I couldn’t have afforded it either, but was able to get on the property ladder purely because I was born five years earlier than she was.

My parents therefore loaned my DS £40K to buy a place, with the proviso that if she ever sells the property, she pays it back. Although I’m not sure they’d insist on that TBH if her circumstances changed and she needed a bigger home for any future kids for example.

If my parents hadn’t stepped in then my DS would still be living in her crappy rental property and buying would have been more out of reach than ever.

Am I bitter? Not a jot. I’m just really happy to see her on the property ladder and in a secure home.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/11/2019 08:06

lllll
Yes I agree that’s a really different situation. In fact quite the reverse here. I wouldn’t be upset in your shoes either. I’m sure you’re glad your dsis has her own place.

PanicAndRun · 17/11/2019 09:18

There is a lot of projecting on this thread and since OP hasn't come back to offer any more context I don't think we can just assume they're crap parents playing favourites.

LolaSmiles · 17/11/2019 09:24

Why is it always "projecting" on MN?

Why can't it be people sharing their experiences and (shock horror) having different opinions?

I'm going end up adding "projecting" to the mental list along with "she/you all must be jealous" which seems to be a synonym for "you've a different view that challenges what the OP says".

lllllllllll Help in your situation wouldn't bother me either.
I think it's really easy for people to turn up on here and claim they'd have absolutely zero issue at all seeing their siblings get handouts for the same thing they're working towards, and it probably makes them feel good to claim anyone identifying unfairness is just some meanie, but the reality is most people wouldnt have an issue with support when needed, or accept difference in circumstances. They just happen to think give to one what the other is grafting for is unfair.

Namechangerextraordinaire1 · 17/11/2019 17:27

My parents (well dad) did this too. Gave my sister a large amount of money so she could move from one house to a better area. We haven't yet made it onto the property ladder and he has already said he won't be doing the same for us. Partly because his circumstances are different now, which I understand, but it still seems very unfair to me.

MollyMinniesMum · 17/11/2019 17:39

Surely they will do the same for you?

MrsBadcrumble123 · 17/11/2019 17:48

YANBU do your parents know you are saving for a deposit?

DreamOnReggie · 17/11/2019 17:49

My parents do this. They have a favourite child who always 'needs' money more than the others. It has eventually meant that the other siblings don't really have much of a relationship with the favourite. But it seems the favourite doesn't care too much as long as they get the lion's share of the money. Parents are fiercely defensive and on their way to losing their relationship with the other siblings too. Sadly, I don't think the favourite has any intention whatsoever of helping them in any way once they get old and frail.

Thehagonthehill · 17/11/2019 17:56

So OP your parents did a nice thing for your sister.They did it because there was a need and probably didn't think about parity at the time.
You may not like it but it was their choice.
Accept,be happy for your sister and move on.This is short term stuff , you'll get your house and a sense of achievement.In 20-30 years you'll look back and wonder how life would have been if you had a tantrum at this point.

Cornishclio · 17/11/2019 17:57

YANBU OP. My mum has given my sister, brother and myself a significant amount of money over the years. My sister used hers towards a house as did my brother but we already had our house so ours went towards overpaying mortgage, car, holidays and saved for our children. Treated us all the same even though our circumstances are all different.

We do the same with our two daughters and have helped them both with university, cars, house deposits and in the case of our youngest a wedding and childcare costs. Our eldest isn't married and doesn't have children but we have paid towards holidays and a car for her. I like to treat them both equally even though they have different circumstances. They are both financially solvent though and manage money well. I am not sure how I would feel if one was what I perceive a spendthrift.

I don't think it is worth you asking your parents if they intend to help you too as many feel that help should be given only if needed. It might be worth mentioning you are saving for a deposit and see if any offer is forthcoming. If not just give yourself a pat on the back for doing it yourself.

Babynamechangerr · 17/11/2019 18:01

I don't think it's fair but I don't think it's uncommon.

I know a couple of people who's siblings 'messed up' with unplanned pregnancies before they were old enough to support a family and their parents stepped in to provide housing for them, which breeds resentment as the sibling who's been irresponsible has been rewarded in the sensible one's eyes.

But I can also understand it from the parents POV if they don't have huge funds to pass on whilst alive, ultimately they will worry about their grandchild suffering as a result.

I just hope OPs sibling is legally protected if the relationship doesn't last that she doesn't lose her parents' money.

DanceIndiaDance · 17/11/2019 18:07

Urgh, I know this feeling. I'm the oldest of four girls. I had children very young and got myself a council home with my partner, we worked but never could have afforded our own home. Scraped money for crap cars over the years. Moved into a private rent and we are now divorced.

My three sisters all own their own homes and higher earning partners(one has three kids and a higher earning hubby) and all received their deposits for homes/cars from my parents. (10k approx)

I'm single, four children and still renting. I asked for help once, 2k to replace my broken car. A flat out sorry and no....I will never ask again. No, I might not have what they have but I'm doing it on my own. 💪

We have a great relationship otherwise.

Feel your pain OP!