Parents gave my sister money for house deposit

[mooneus]

My sister is currently expecting her first child. Recently she moved into a 3 bed house with her boyfriend in a relatively nice area. I know on their salaries there was absolutely no way they could have afforded to buy that house. So after a bit of questioning I found out my parents gave her just over £10k for the deposit.

For the last year I have been working 2 jobs and living a frugal life to try and save for a deposit. And it feels like a kick in the teeth that my parents have stumped up that cash for her, just because she's pregnant.

Am I right to be annoyed at my parents for doing that? I understand the baby is now the priority, but it's not fair when one child gets preferential treatment.

Being fair doesn't always mean things have to be exactly equal. My DM is scrupulous about treating me and DB fairly but that has meant different things at different times. I started working at 16, he went to Uni and then did a masters. She gave me a 10k deposit for a house (which cost 30k, those were the days!), because I'd never have got a mortgage otherwise on my £7k salary, and she funded him through his studies without him having to work. I have no idea if he was given a house deposit on top as well, he may have been. We both were given similar amounts when we married, but for me that was 10 years later than him even though I'm older, and until she gave me the money with 'I'm giving you the same as your brother' I had no idea he'd had anything at all. There was a very real chance I'd never have got married (I was nearly 40) but it wouldn't have occurred to me to ask for the money as it was a gift to help with wedding costs, which I wouldn't have had unless I had a wedding.

He's recently been through a difficult time and I'm fairly sure she's helped him out financially from a few things she said. We moved house recently and she paid for some work that needed doing and for our sofa. I now earn far less than DB, for a while I earned far more just because of where we are/we're career wise. He has DCs, I don't.

Overall I have no idea if the financial help we've received is equal or not, and tbh I don't care, what I do know is that we've both been helped in the specific circumstances that we needed it and that overall she tries to treat us fairly. Surely that is what's important? It may be that your parents decided that right now the important thing is that your sister gets settled before the baby comes, that doesn't mean they won't help you when they feel you need it.

How wre they going to afford repayments when she goes on maternity leave?

00:36CleansUpDragonPoo
I suppose I was 'lucky' as my parents never had this type of money to spare so the issue never cropped up.

It’s very sad how many parents actually show favouritism. And what some people (perhaps who have never experienced favouritism) don’t understand is that it’s not about money. It’s that money is an easy example to compare. It’s very rare that money will be the only area where the children are treated differently.

It hurts the relationship between the siblings and then the parents wonder why the siblings don’t get on better. And it hurts the “least favoured” child so they then don’t put themselves out for their parents to protect from further hurt and then they’re talked about as being in the wrong again for not looking after and helping the parents more! So how can the “least favourite” child ever do right? Are they supposed to just keep giving and giving and accept being treated second best? The parents that play favourites (deny it all they like) create such a divide in the family.

My parents did that with my sister. I was proud of my parents that they helped her. Having a child does change things and I think if I was in the same situation they would have helped me in that way too. Maybe your parents are planning on also giving you £10k but need to save up again or waiting for a right time.

YANBU - every child should be treated fairly regardless of their age. If you can’t treat them fairly then no one should get it.

My ILs have given SIL thousands over the years. Because she asks them for it. Recently it was around £5000 for decorating an extension or something. DIL also gets free after-schoolchildcare from them 3 days a week.

DH doesn't get anything. Because he doesn't ask for (or need) the money.

Do we care? No. We don't want their money. They worked for it, we encouraged them to spend it on themselves and their retirement. They went through a phase if "oh but if we spend it all, DH and SIL won't inherit very much"
I pointed out that they're 70, and have at LEAST another 15 years in them, at which point DH will be 55+ and won't want/need money and will be looking at retiring himself!

In fact we judge SIL a bit really for asking so much of her parents, knowing they won't say no.

@M2B19 "YANBU - every child should be treated fairly regardless of their age. If you can’t treat them fairly then no one should get it."

So say your sister's car broke down and needed £600 to pay for the roadside repair. . She asked your parents to help out. And they could afford to loan/give the money, but couldnt afford double the amount (to ensure you got _600 as well) ... Then you'd happily see your sister stuck because it's not fair and you should get given £600 as well no matter what?

@ 00100001 no, I would expect that if the need arose the same fairness and generosity would be shown towards myself/other siblings, regardless of when it occurred. However I wouldn’t expect my parents to bail me out for roadside repairs or anything that trivial. I’m talking large sums of money such as house deposits as is mentioned in this thread.

I think given the circumstances that the OP is scrimping and saving by working 2 jobs she is not being unreasonable in being upset with her parents. In this circumstance regardless of her sister being pregnant, they should have offered both children the same financial support.
My own dad has given my brother double the financial support he’s given me. So much so, my brother was able to use the money as a deposit to buy a house. Me and DH on the other hand had to scrimp and save with 4 DC’s to buy a house. Is it fair? No it’s not.

I think it completely depends on the circumstances. My DParents gave my husband and I £12k to up our deposit to buy our first home when I was pregnant with our first child. It significantly lowered our monthly repayments due to a much lower interest rate. It was always a loan, not a gift and it was repaid within 3 years. I was very grateful and would’ve been mightily pissed off if my siblings complained at the time about unfairness without getting the full story. We’re now thankfully on a very healthy combined income and have not needed to reach out for help since, however my siblings in turn have needed financial help and get regular help with childcare, fixing things etc from my parents. I don’t feel jealous and neither do they, our parents are wonderful people who help out where they can when it’s necessary, we would never tot up who’s had what and send an invoice for what’s owed, treating your children fairly does not mean giving them the same. Unless you’ve actually sat down and discussed finances with your parents and they’ve told you there will never be any help for you then I think YABU.

@Devora13 Mon 18-Nov-19 06:52:47
"00:36CleansUpDragonPoo
I suppose I was 'lucky' as my parents never had this type of money to spare so the issue never cropped up."

Mine too! But there were other ways favouritism was shown, my DB never had to lift a finger around the house as he was a boy (!!!) while DS and I were run ragged doing housework, making packed lunches, doing the garden etc etc etc and most galling of all, we even had to make DB's bed in the morning while he smirked around. mother was an invalid so we were happy to help, of course, but not while DB sat around watching us work grrr. And naturally, who took care of mum in old age? Not DB with the good job he got from all that extra time to study, but DS and myself, he gave neither his time nor his money towards her care, and what still causes resentment, wasn't expected to.

@00100001, We felt the same but just wait until you actually get to the point where they die and you don't get anything. My brothers-in-law were left everything even though the parents knew they would just blow it and still land up short. They talked about including my husband, on reflection I think this was to stop him contesting the Will to give them time to take it all. My husband feels like his brothers disowned him. As previously commented by other this is not about the money so much as 'doing the right thing by your sibling.' It has ruined whatever relationship the brothers had.

@EugenesAxe Thanks for the sympathy. I feel so sorry for him he's such a nice guy too, he'd honestly give you his last penny if he thought you needed it. He visited his parents just to make sure they were alright and whenever they came to us he paid for everything and took them out etc. They openly stated that the others and their 13 children only visited them when they wanted money. They even paid all the grandchildren pocket money but not my one child and yes she noticed, that caused a difficult conversation I can tell you.

I wouldn't begrudge a sibling getting a financial helping hand, and me not, if they were trying their hardest too. I think there is a difference between falling on hard times or circumstances changing, and making poor choices then being bailed out repeatedly.

I would want to see all my dc set up in life. If it meant helping some more than others, then so be it! It is frankly none of their business to say what I do with my money!

BIL got his wedding and house paid for by my in laws.
We have to save it all ourselves and we earn less.

It’s very sad how many parents actually show favouritism. And what some people (perhaps who have never experienced favouritism) don’t understand is that it’s not about money. It’s that money is an easy example to compare. It’s very rare that money will be the only area where the children are treated differently.

But that might only be perceived by the child or they m easy have a complex about it, as actually, do a number of people here. What if financial situations of parents change? What if someone urgently needs a dig out and the parents use the last of their money to help them? There's people here who sounds like my (young) children, who have all at different times said we favour the other even though if we get someone something or go somewhere, we make sure we take them out or get them something. Also I hate hearing people talking about wills and the like. You are not entitled to your parents' money. Get over it.

My brother has had loads of help from my parents, because he needs it.
They want to help their grandchild, their money - their choice, maybe you’ll get the same one day? Maybe it’s just a loan? Don’t be bitter, enjoy your new niece/nephew.

I've just done something similar for my daughter. When it comes to my son buying a house we will do the same. It's not something I've discussed with either of them

You're overthinking this

Sent this to the people I have never used the word mum or dad . My older brother is the one only one they want . His got kids I Havnt . He also earns over 100grand a year . We were close me and him but they’ve torn us apart as I think he should stick up for me . I’m even out the will it’s not about money but cause I Havnt done as well in life his currently working in Boston they don’t wana know typical conservatives sorry if that offends anyone .

@maddy68

Your kids are lucky to have you x

I have a similar situation whereby my older sister, of 3 years, has always had a lot of help. At university she never had a job as my parents supported her, from age 21 - 26 she paid no rent (living with boyfriends and my parents) and still got handouts to decorate and renovate her houses, go on expensive holidays etc. I had 3 jobs at university and paid all of my bills from age 21. At 22 I paid full London rent (aware that was my choice). Recently she became pregnant and my mum bought her a house. Despite my sister having a good job in Dubai, she didn't save any money (but had a great time buying designer clothes, extravagant holidays and plastic surgery) and when she returned to the UK pregnant, my mum spent her life savings on a house for her. My mum had told me those were for a house for her and her partner as they wanted to move closer to our family. I feel so bad for my mum but at the same time I really don't. When I was desperate to get into the creative industry for a career and the job I was offered was very low salary, my parents did not offer to help me (even though I was only 22). They instead said things like 'I don't think you should take the opportunity because how will you afford to live?' insinuating I would not receive any help from them and they've never supported me - even when I lost my job and lived independently in London. Yet, my sister is pregnant and is flat out bought a house. Just to rub salt in the wound, it is a brand new house and has been kitted out with luxurious new furniture. I have had to scrimp and save and also miss out on opportunities - not just holidays - things like job opportunities as I was made to feel I couldn't afford - i had to have my own back as my family wouldn't for the past 4 years whilst not asking/or expecting a penny. My mum tells me she helps me all time but I feel like she delusional as she might buy me a coffee when were together but nothing more ever.... which is fine. However I don't understand why she bought my sister a house when she was able to pay rent or eligible for council housing.
I realise I am envious of my sisters easy ride to enjoying life and essentially having the penny and the bun. But everytime she brings up money she complains how she is so hard done by, even though she got bought everything... (a house, a £1k pram, new furniture, new clothes etc etc). I have not been given anything and even if I need money, I simply deal with it and sacrifice opportunities but she will continue to get hand outs. I never say anything to this depth because I don't want to upset my mum but when I mention that my sister receives a lot of help, she either says one of these few things; that she does help me (wheres my house? I'm joking i know she can't buy two houses at once) or she tries to diffuse the situation saying she doesn't think its the case, or she will remind me of the trauma my sister when through when she became pregnant in Dubai (where you not allowed to be unmarried and pregnant - though the law recently changed), she had to come home. I feel kind of gaslighted by the situation and I am worried that I am beginning to dislike my family and this shift (which I am now realising has always sort of been there) is causing a massive rift in my relationship with them. I feel like very sad about the whole situation, and I sometimes hope I'm completely wrong but I just feel so cast aside. I have recently taken a pay reduction to do a job I have always wanted, and when i was offered between two jobs my mum didn't even hear the job roles and immediately said take the one that pays more.... This is the feeling I get from them all the time. What do I do?

@supergirl16 I don’t know how you have not spoken up to your mum, especially when she says she helps you. I think I would ask her how.

My brother was and is the golden child and was prioritised to the point he picked half of my childhood gifts from my parents and he picked things that he wanted for himself so I got Lego sets when I was too old for Lego.

It was easier to go no contact as soon as I could as a lot of the time, it’s not just the financial side that is upsetting, it’s them tired from helping your sibling so they can’t help you, not being interested in what you say but changing the conversation to your sibling, dropping decent plans for your sibling but too busy for you with doing housework. It’s just one thing after another, but a lot of this stuff is deniable or they forget. Money is easier to argue about as it’s more factual rather than a he said vs she said situation.

Thank you for all your messages of support and for advice. I really appreciate them and each one I have read has resonated with me in one way or another. I am honestly very shocked and grateful.

For those who have said about speaking up, I have a few times but it has never ended well. My sister is constantly a victim so I think it makes my family sympathise her more and I look bullish or 'over opinionated'. Like one person said it is my mums money at the end of the day... it is just hurtful to go through. Someone also asked about why i do/but don't feel bad about my mum. I feel bad because i think she tries hard to be equal, but then again i don't feel bad because she's not equal. That is the centre of my horrible crux.
Again thank you for all your messages.
Anymore messages of enlightenment are welcome.