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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents gave my sister money for house deposit

201 replies

mooneus · 16/11/2019 16:57

My sister is currently expecting her first child. Recently she moved into a 3 bed house with her boyfriend in a relatively nice area. I know on their salaries there was absolutely no way they could have afforded to buy that house. So after a bit of questioning I found out my parents gave her just over £10k for the deposit.

For the last year I have been working 2 jobs and living a frugal life to try and save for a deposit. And it feels like a kick in the teeth that my parents have stumped up that cash for her, just because she's pregnant.

Am I right to be annoyed at my parents for doing that? I understand the baby is now the priority, but it's not fair when one child gets preferential treatment.

OP posts:
nuxe1984 · 17/11/2019 18:21

Question - if they gave you a £10k deposit would you be in a position financially to buy a property?

If not then perhaps they're waiting until you are - although £10k in however many years time isn't going to buy as much as it does now.

If you are then discuss this with them and ask if they will also help you buy your first property.

Bugbabe1970 · 17/11/2019 18:27

I help my kids out when they need it. None of my children begrudge what the other is given which is a blessing

My mother has helped me out a lot financially in the past, my sister didn’t need it . She’s absolutely fine with it

ToftyAC · 17/11/2019 18:27

I understand both sides OP. In your position I’d be fucked off, but I think your parents are thinking about their grandchild. If you were in your sister’s position perhaps your parents would do the same for you.

TooManyGlasses · 17/11/2019 18:29

PIL gave us a large contribution towards our house deposit, because we couldn’t have afforded to buy a house at all otherwise, whereas DH’s brother could afford to buy his own property at the time (better-paid job, cheaper area). However, when they pass away all their assets will go to DH’s brother. So it should all work out fairly in the end.

Do you parents perhaps have a similar arrangement in mind?

pmama · 17/11/2019 19:28

I can feel your pain - experiencing the same. My husband and I are realistic and savvy, brother is the opposite, and therefore, always complains about his difficulties and has all support from parents.

sansou · 17/11/2019 19:50

DH has had this all his life. It's not only about money, it's about time and attention - essentially, being loved by your parent and it hurts when it's obvious that the golden child's needs/wants/feelings trumps absolutely everyone else's in the family. It's a vicious circle and it definitely damages family relationships. I don't feel inclined to be generous in thought/action to MIL when she makes a demand so the impact is rather quid pro quo - it's clear you don't give us any thought so why would we do the same for you! I wouldn't countenance looking after her in her old age for example - whereas, I might have thought differently had she not been so drastic in her overt favouritism over the last 25 yrs+ yrs and counting... It's all rather sad though. Most of us are inclined to seek parental approval after all.

Bowerbird5 · 17/11/2019 20:00

That is awful. I gave my eldest the deposit for his house.DS2 and I bought one together and he has since bought another. I have told DS3 that he can buy a house and I would help him with the deposit and the same for DD. They all know that when I die they will get a share each in DS2's house as my half will be split between them all. I bought it because house prices were jumping and DS2 hadn't listened to advice so I bought a house and put his name on it. They rose 41% in just over a year and although they have dropped a bit we will still be quids in. DS3 is living in it otherwise we would have sold it.
I wanted them to be all as equal as possible.

horseyhorsey17 · 17/11/2019 21:23

I know this feeling too. Both my sister and brother have had considerable financial help from my parents towards weddings, house deposits etc and I haven’t. My mum and stepdad decided they weren’t going to support me past 18, kicked me out of home and that was that. My dad has never contributed financially to me or my sister, although he has to his other kids. So yeah it sucks. I’ve let it go for the sake of keeping the peace but obviously it’s affected my relationship with them and we are not close.

Zoejj77 · 17/11/2019 21:30

My sister had financial help from my dad many times when her children arrived for various things. My dad helped me later on with wedding costs and a time when we were struggling. I don’t begrudge my sister anything and vice verse we were just happy for the help when it was needed

Maz54 · 17/11/2019 22:09

My husband's two irresponsible brothers relieved their parents of thousands throughout their lives which they blew. My DH worked hard never asked for anything. When they died they left it all to the other two. He feels chastised for being the sensible one. Great knowing he did it all on his own though. You are not being unreasonable.

bonitabowbows · 17/11/2019 22:09

It’s annoying for sue but do you not feel that your turn will come and they will offer you help too ? If it’s just coz there is a baby involved I would be angry too but if they are planing to help you as well when u need it I will be ok with it ,am sure you can sense if they will or not .

saraclara · 17/11/2019 22:22

Again, this help was offered to the sister "recently" as the OP says.

Everyone is assuming that the parents don't intend to do the same for the OP later. Yet we and the OP have no idea whether this is the case. For all we know, the parents are saving or have a similar amount ring-fenced for when the OP has a child.

The initial (equal value) help I offered my daughters came at different times to accommodate different needs when they arose.

Celestine70 · 17/11/2019 22:50

YANBU.

icebearforpresident · 17/11/2019 23:21

I get it, been there as well although with me and my sister it was our grandparents. She was always the favourite and they literally bought her a house. Granted, it was a doer upper but a house nonetheless. When I got my first place they bought me and now husband an ex display sofa.

I tell myself that it’ll all work out in the end but in reality I know it won’t. I learned to let it go a long time ago, if I let it dwell I would have lost my shit years ago.

Devora13 · 17/11/2019 23:47

How very sad that so many people's main take on their relationship with their parents is whether they get a 'fair share' of their parents cash!

EugenesAxe · 18/11/2019 00:34

Shouldn't expect it or say anything but it's shitty of your parents. Both my and my DH's parents treat us all equally. I know my PILs would hate to think they were the cause of any wedge coming between DH and my SIL... family is very important to them.

I had a wedding; my DPs gave the equal of their contribution to my (unmarried) sister, to do with what she wants. Life choices should not underlie the decisions parents make when dividing assets between children.

CleansUpDragonPoo · 18/11/2019 00:36

@Devora13 Sun 17-Nov-19 23:47:09
"How very sad that so many people's main take on their relationship with their parents is whether they get a 'fair share' of their parents cash!"

It's more about a fair share of affection and respect, it's hard to feel your parents love and respect you if they seem to favour other siblings over you - if parents said something like 'we're giving x amount of money to sibling now because they really need it now but we love you very much and admire how well you're getting on with your life', there wouldn't be nearly the resentment so many posters have expressed.

EugenesAxe · 18/11/2019 00:38

Maz54... wow that's awful. Good for your DH though.

steff13 · 18/11/2019 00:41

Did the OP ever return?

caringcarer · 18/11/2019 01:06

It is unfair if they are not offering you £10k too. Talk to them though don't bottle it up or resent your sister. Maybe they will treat you the same soon. I would feel less loved if my parents had done this to me. Many years ago my gran gave my eldest sister £100 pounds, then my next eldest, then next eldest, missed me out and gave eldest sister another £100, then my younger sister got her £100. My gran had alzeimers and probably thought she had given all 5 grand daughters the same. It still hurt me though, and it hurt more that my eldest sister did not offer to hand me over one of the £100 she had been given. My auntie found out abouf it and she gave me £100.Tweny years later my eldest sister recently asked me if I was still upset and I said no, not any more. She told me she felt really guilty at the time but was behind on her mortgage and was terrified of having her house repossed. She had my niece a baby and I was in my early teens do she did not think I needed it and said she always planned to pay it to me when i got older but was always short of money as her husband died at 41. I can remember feeling at the time, my gran could not love me as much ss my sisters. Talk to your parents and let them know how you feel. Give them the chance to explain.

stayathomer · 18/11/2019 01:32

People are very quick to jump on the OP's parents without knowing the circumstances. If your sister begged them to help and said her baby wouldn't have a home, or if she arranged to pay them back over time or if they didn't know the OP was struggling then of course they'd have helped their daughter out!

steff13 · 18/11/2019 02:26

Agreed, stayathomer. It doesn't appear that the OP has returned to say whether this was a loan, or if her parents would be happy to give her the same if she had asked or anything. People are just making up their own scenarios.

CleansUpDragonPoo · 18/11/2019 02:51

@Ciara1234456 Sat 16-Nov-19 21:56:29
"Bottom line is their looking out for their grandchild and until you’ve had a child yourself you won’t understand that."

Here we go, the fertile-wombers strike again! No one else can possibly have any idea about anything at all until they've reproduced.. yawn..

jade9390 · 18/11/2019 06:13

I feel the same because I had an older brother who did and got everything first and was constantly got bailed out for messing up. 2 houses later and them dying means I never got a penny from them. But unless you have spoke to them, you do not know that they will not do the same for you. It might seem rude to ask but might let you know where you stand. A home for a grand child is essential, they have not done this out of spite.

dottiedodah · 18/11/2019 06:40

I would not be happy about this either TBH .However I dont think you should roll up to their place and "ask about your inheritance " unless you want to fall out with them big time! They probably have their own reasons and it is their money after all.Are they aware of your situation do you think? Possibly because baby is on the way ,they want a secure home for their GC Perhaps they feel you can save enough on your own where DS may struggle?