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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents gave my sister money for house deposit

201 replies

mooneus · 16/11/2019 16:57

My sister is currently expecting her first child. Recently she moved into a 3 bed house with her boyfriend in a relatively nice area. I know on their salaries there was absolutely no way they could have afforded to buy that house. So after a bit of questioning I found out my parents gave her just over £10k for the deposit.

For the last year I have been working 2 jobs and living a frugal life to try and save for a deposit. And it feels like a kick in the teeth that my parents have stumped up that cash for her, just because she's pregnant.

Am I right to be annoyed at my parents for doing that? I understand the baby is now the priority, but it's not fair when one child gets preferential treatment.

OP posts:
LacedCocoa · 16/11/2019 19:28

It's not fair. And i'd be upset too, but that's because my parents have always had favourites and never helped me with anything.
I'd ask them outright.
Even though your struggles are legitimate too. Maybe it is to do with the pregnancy and new grandchild. Which can be understandable.

Aridane · 16/11/2019 19:29

Perceived favouritism is always upsetting

Alsohuman · 16/11/2019 19:32

I think they’ve done it for their grandchild too.

doctorboo · 16/11/2019 19:36

I feel for you. It’s very difficult to express how it’s not a jealousy issue, but that the realisation that your parents have different priorities is hurtful and discombobulating.

My brother is in his fifties, has a stable job with a very good wage, his children are both 16+, he pays maintenance and it’s 50/50 care and all super stable and there’s no drama. unless he’s making my parents feel guilty and gets what he wants before it’s almost radio silence again

Yet, following his last failed relationship with a gf (don’t worry he’s already in another one!) my parents have been working out a plan to sort out giving him the deposit for a 1bed flat. This is despite knowing that he spent his 50k share from his house sale a few years ago. He didn’t even try to save it “because he never wanted to own again”.

We have three children, work, rent, my parents can’t provide childcare like they did for my brother and his ex because quite simply they’re older, and they can’t give us the deposit for a place - not that I’ve asked but they’ve mentioned it.

For me, it’s that the balance of ‘fairness’ is so skewed it’s depressing.

Isthisforrealwowzer · 16/11/2019 19:38

Did anyone else just get a notification for stop watching this thread ??

What’s that about. Anyway can join this thread.

Chickydoo · 16/11/2019 19:40

Parents can be like this op. My father gave my DS a 4 bed house worth now around 600k.
My other sister and I... nada...
He just said that she would never get much of a job & we would be ok as we were hard workers.
I have simply has to accept it & he refuses to discuss.

JusticeForSandra · 16/11/2019 19:47

Did anyone else just get a notification for stop watching this thread ??

I don't understand what you mean Isthisforrealwowzer? (so clearly I didnt get anything!)

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 16/11/2019 19:50

Did anyone else just get a notification for stop watching this thread ??

Eh? What do you mean a notice? A pop up or a private message?

shoebedobedobedobedoo · 16/11/2019 19:50

Can I ask what you do for your parents? Once we are adults the relationship changes. As a parent I would be less likely to help the "child" who held me in contempt, who only visited when he/s she wanted something, who didn't help with things I needed.

I’m not sure that necessarily relevant. I have 2 DB. I know when my mum is elderly the only one helping her will be me. She has all but told me that she intends to write me out of her will, because I don’t ‘need’ anything. DB1 owns 3 houses and is sitting on a million pound pension.....still managed to persuade my DM that he ‘couldn’t afford’ his second child’s school fees...so DM pays them. DB2 smokes and drinks a lot. DM paid to finish his extension because he ‘ran out of money’. DM is right, I don’t ‘need’ any inheritance she might leave, but both DBs are significantly far from the poverty line and I don’t think either of them ‘need’ it either. It’s not fair, but I’m not going to fall out with her over it. I might feel differently if I was in your shoes OP.

Isthisforrealwowzer · 16/11/2019 19:54

Oops didn’t mean to press that flag thingy I’m trying to unpress it to no avail. Anyway don’t know what it means but it was a mistake. Apologies!

haverhill · 16/11/2019 19:55

It hurts a lot when this sort of thing happens. The only time I massively fell out with my parents was when they let my younger DB drive their car, while they’d never let me. I was very hurt and really angry.

PepePig · 16/11/2019 19:55

I actually think you're being unreasonable.

Initially, it does come across as perceived favouritism and of course, that's set to put anyone's nose out of joint. However, let's think of the real logistics here:

  1. Have you actually asked your parents for financial help? If you haven't they may be waiting to offer you money for a deposit once you've decided on a house. Or, they may believe you want to do it on your own. If you don't ask, you don't get.

  2. Are you in an urgent rush to buy a home? Are you settled in a rental/parents home? Is there a deadline for you to have your own place by? It makes sense for your sister to buy a house before the birth of her child. Maternity Leave and paying rent will make it hard for her to save for a deposit to buy, as will (presumably) working part time for a few years until her child is in school. Nurseries are expensive as well. So, while rent/mortgages can be a similar cost per month, if she doesn't buy now she might not be able to for another 5 plus years. This was the very reason why myself and my partner rushed to buy our home before the birth of DD (simply put- we knew if we didn't buy then, we wouldn't be able to for years).

  3. It could very well just be a generous gift to the grandchild more than anything. 10k is perhaps worth to pay if it means the child is in a nice home, close to GPs and in an area which has good schools. The child will likely appreciate growing up in a house which will be a long term investment and feel settled there.

It's annoying when you've been working hard for your own place, but there's an added level of stress when you're pregnant and trying to sort out a home to live in. I dealt with it first hand last year. Unless you are in a rush to buy, I think YABU.

Solongtoshort · 16/11/2019 19:58

Arh parents.....

My mum and dad see, look after, help pay for their other 4 grandchildren. For my daughters 4th birthday they sent a boys card with 5 on, lm not stereotyping the card said grandson.

The week before l was told to make more effort in coming to see them. After it had taken me 1 hour and 30 mins to drive the usual 35 minutes because of the rain and roadworks.

It’s been 8 months since they have been to my house 2 years has passed by without my brother or sisters visiting.

But yet l need to make effort, l won’t be visiting now until someone visits me first petty l know but l have had enough.

Isthisforrealwowzer · 16/11/2019 19:59

It said can I stop watching the thread 🙄and change email preferences ? Doesnt say who from but if was for me for no reason then who ever it was Fxxk off you twat 😱

Isthisforrealwowzer · 16/11/2019 20:01

This was the message bloody cheek 😂😂
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OneForMeToo · 16/11/2019 20:16

I don’t buy the whole the one who visits more gets more. My dh doesn’t visit much because golden child is always there so he can never actually get time with his parents because she who must be bowed down to is there taking all the time and I mean every damn day. I see it as failure to launch as well as being babied by the parents as the favourite.

My parents treat me and my siblings the same. If we needed housing it’s there, ran out of food it’s ours etc.

Tvstar · 16/11/2019 20:20

Yabu, you have no right to know your sisters or your parents financial circumstances, and much less to make judgment on them. It is their money to do what they want with. All this treating children the same is for kids. When you are grown up situations are a lot more complex

MyGoodTimes · 16/11/2019 20:21

You can select 'Stop watching this thread' if you don't want it showing up on your 'Threads I'm watching ' list. No one is telling you to stop watching it. Grin

Broom19 · 16/11/2019 20:25

I can see why you're upset OP. I don't think it's that you begrudge your sister the money or are jealous, like others have mentioned- it's more that your needs appear less important to your parents.

I think a conversation with your parents would be helpful- not to ask for 'your share', but to let them know that you've felt hurt by it. Hopefully, they'll be able to rationalise why they've chosen to help your sister and not you (at the moment).

My dad has helped me out a lot more than my sister over the years- he has completed extensive building work in my properties and, consequently, ended up covering the cost of some materials, extra labour, etc. He is desperate to do the same for my sister (before he gets too old) but is waiting for her to get on the property ladder! It's not that he loves me more or favours me, it's just circumstantial... as I'm sure it is in your case too.

MissCharleyP · 16/11/2019 20:28

Should add - I don’t know for sure about the deposit TBF, it’s only what I suspect.

mindproject · 16/11/2019 20:33

If they don't give you the same amount then YADNBU.

This kind of thing causes resentment in families, it can drive a wedge between siblings and sometimes cause families to completely split up. Parent's should treat their children fairly and equally.

mindproject · 16/11/2019 20:33

I have no idea how that random apostrophe got in there, before anyone points it out.

Sammyp235 · 16/11/2019 20:34

Totally agree with you OP. Unless they are going to do the same for you then it’s unfair.

Just cos ages pregnant doesn’t mean she’s more entitled and for all they know, you might be holding out getting pregnant until you’re more financially secure.

Sammyp235 · 16/11/2019 20:34

Shes**

kittyland · 16/11/2019 20:35

Even if they considered it emergency, baby on the way, it stil stings. My mother for example didn't get any inheritance because she married "rich" but it did bother her I could tell. Another worse example from my DP's family: his grandad had one DD, then married a woman who also had one DD, then they had DS who was always favoured. Didn't do well in school, they promised him a big reward if he finished it, didn't finish school, still got the reward. Fast foreward years later, no school, lousy jobs, got into gambling and huge debts, his parents sold the family home to pay off his debts, moved into smaller flat. DS never married, stayed at home, got into risky business, convinced his parents to give him the flat, then promptly put it under mortage. He basically frittered away his and both his DS's inheritance. Tried to hide the truth about the flat, went to work abroad, left the caring of his elderly DP to the sisters. Hugely unfair.