Parents gave my sister money for house deposit

[mooneus]

My sister is currently expecting her first child. Recently she moved into a 3 bed house with her boyfriend in a relatively nice area. I know on their salaries there was absolutely no way they could have afforded to buy that house. So after a bit of questioning I found out my parents gave her just over £10k for the deposit.

For the last year I have been working 2 jobs and living a frugal life to try and save for a deposit. And it feels like a kick in the teeth that my parents have stumped up that cash for her, just because she's pregnant.

Am I right to be annoyed at my parents for doing that? I understand the baby is now the priority, but it's not fair when one child gets preferential treatment.

So a child is a passport to being more favourably treated?

what 's a horrible way to parent. Playing favourite when YOU are supposed to be the adult. -

When "kids" are in their thirties or forties, when they hold parents in contempt, talk about going NC, allow their partners to treat MIL's with disresepect, ration time with grandchildren - should they still be "entitled" to handouts? When one sibling does all the driving to hospitals, hosting for Christmas, helping with DIY, caring, listening, making welcome and visiting - does that make a difference?

Anyway off to pick up my teen DD whose train has been cancelled. I am not that parent.

You can select 'Stop watching this thread' if you don't want it showing up on your 'Threads I'm watching ' list. No one is telling you to stop watching it.

I'd love to see MN HQ starting to message posters "You are getting too invested in this thread, move on", or "you haven't left your screen for too long, go and get some fresh air"

allow their partners to treat MIL's with disresepect, ration time with grandchildren - should they still be "entitled" to handouts

oh, you mean when a partner is trying to establish some boundaries and space from an over-the-top MIL?

But yes, they should be entitled to the same. The simple fact that someone would consider treating them differently is probably the reason why one of the children has already started to distance themselves anyway.

This happened to me but my siblings was told in writing it was there inheritance just early. Still really hurt I could use that type of money (this was a 6 figure sum)

My kids are much younger so I am not at the stage yet where I am dealing with adults but it astounds me to hear of adults, often with their own children, expecting to be treated as if they are still five years old and deserve money without once thinking about their parents as people that they love.

Boundaries are fine - we all set our own - but you can't set boundaries determining someone else's behaviour and then expect them not to do the same.

We siblings all did as much as we could for our parents - by the time they reached 80 they really needed it.

@HeyNotInMyName

She will. Simple. She’s in a professional job, grounded, hard working and we live in a cheap part of the country 🤷‍♀️

And when she gets it, she will be rewarded with money for a new kitchen or to buy all her carpets and furnishings or pay off her modest student loan or trade in her car.

I don't think it's about "deserving" money, but the point that if parents give to one, they should give the same to the others. If you "only" have £10k to give away, you split it up equally between your 2, or 3 or 4 children. You don't give £10k to one child.

In my experience, if this is the first grandchild you'd better get used to playing second fiddle for a while. Sorry to be brutal. It'll all come out in the wash

Fiar point Sandra

I do think you are right to be hurt op. If you are both trying to buy a house then you should both get some help for a deposit or neither of you get help for a deposit. As you're both in the same situation (although they probably see her situation as more urgent so she's settled in before baby arrives).

I feel a bit differently to a lot of people about parents always helping their adult kids equally though. I'm one of three, and am financially doing the best of the the of us. Our parents want to help us all out equally, which is lovely of them, but it makes me feel rather uncomfortable tbh. When my sister got married they paid for the dress and something else, it was a bigish wedding. When I got married they have me a cheque for the same amount, but I chose a much smaller wedding so their cheque meant we ended up making a profit, which wasn't the intention at all!!! My sister is now divorced and a single parent to 2 kids, working in a low paid job because that's all she can get while still staying close to the kids dad. Every time our parents help her out (because she gets the housing part of UC and it's not reliable, and her ex doesn't pay the maintenance he's supposed to), they try to give me the same amount of money, which I don't need. I'd rather they helped my sister more. I now take the money and do an online food shop for my sister with it, because I know she doesn't eat well as she puts other things before nutritious food for herself when she's running out of money. (Brother is a different story, he's never moved out, pays minimal rent, but apparently that's not helping him financially as he doesn't cost much )

YANBU

My brother has had more help over the years, and I never begrudged it as he was in a bad place with mental health. Fast forward ten years we both each have a DC but he and his wife get money all the time, it feels like their poor financial decisions get rewarded with bailouts, credit cards being paid off etc by my Gran. I can't help but feel a fool for not getting into cc debt like my brother and my cousins as it just gets paid off by gran.

Yanbu. The same happened to me. It was over 4 years ago now and it still upsets me to think about it. It's completely changed the way I feel about my parents.

When "kids" are in their thirties or forties, when they hold parents in contempt, talk about going NC

If that is happening, then there is a reason. Grown adults don't just go no contact with their parents on a whim. If a parent heard those words from an adult child, I would think the first reaction should be to try to understand what went wrong and try to repair the relationship, rather that go "Well you're not getting any inheritance". The latter is trademark narcissistic, and that poor kid never had a chance of fair treatment to begin with.

MsAwesomeDragon
that's exactly what I would do (and have done) with one of my own sisters. And I sincerely hope that my own kids will have each other's back that way. I still wouldn't give them different financial help to my own kids.

The wedding is a perfect example, why should a child have more because they decide to have a bigger affair and a more expensive honeymoon? Completely valid choice, but parents shouldn't make a judgement by giving more or less.
Same for a property, if one decides to have a bigger house, he doesn't deserve more financial help.

If one of my children decide to have 4 kids, he shouldn't have more help from us than his sister who only has 1. and so on.

Bottom line is their looking out for their grandchild and until you’ve had a child yourself you won’t understand that. My sister in laws are so selfish and so not understand at all what having children is like. They still expect us to put their needs even before our own children sometimes. It’s utterly ridiculous, I remember saying you’re 44 and they are 4. Get a grip

Plus it’s their money, i don’t even rely on my parents to support or even help because it’s my life and I should be able to deal with my own situation without handouts. Obviously if you’re on the breadline it’s different

it's not selfish to point out that having children doesn't suddenly give you priority or makes you more deserving. YOU will treat your own children in the same way (hopefully), and your own parents should treat theirs equally too.

You don't punish someone because they don't have kids!

It’s not a punishment though, op is seeing it In the wrong way. It was never anyone’s money but her parents to begin with. People shouldn’t expect things or think they have rights to their parents money. If anything she should be happy it is being used in a useful way, not just think about her own struggle. It’s not like she’s poor. I don’t expect my parents to pay for anything for me and if they give my brother everything I wouldn’t resent it. I would be happy for him and them. The mindset is what needs to change.

Bottom line is their looking out for their grandchild and until you’ve had a child yourself you won’t understand that. My sister in laws are so selfish and so not understand at all what having children is like
Oh so child free adults should expect to always be bottom of the pile whilst their parents subsidise the lifestyles of those who've had children. Right. ok.

And here was me thinking that when people choose to have children they have a duty to them all, not just the ones who pop out sprogs without considering your own financial situation.

Life is just not fair full stop. Stand on your own two feet and be proud that you haven’t had to have any handouts and that you’ve achieved on your own. In fact it’s good to know that you haven’t relied on the bank of mum and dad.

I completely disagree, it's not even about the money, it's the obvious message that one child is preferred or more important. That's what painful, and from a parent point of view, absolutely unacceptable.

You don't treat the children unequally. That's just not right. Sure, you adapt whilst they grow up, and you teach them not to bicker about petty things, but only giving deposit to one child is just wrong.

No, life is not fair when some people are stuck with crap parents, that is true. None of us are perfect, but at least decent parents try. They don't play favourite.

I just think your parents have worked hard for their money as have you working two jobs and their entitled to decide whatever they want, I think it’s selfish Just deal with your situation yourself. You should be happy for your sister not moaning that they haven’t supported you, they may choose to do so in the future or they may not. Just deal with it. There’s people with nothing, not even a job and you want sympathy because your parents gave your sister 10gs because she’s expecting?

You don't treat the children unequally. That's just not right. Sure, you adapt whilst they grow up, and you teach them not to bicker about petty things, but only giving deposit to one child is just wrong.
I agree.
There is a difference between treating people fairly and treating them identically.

I'd never begrudge my parents for some of the help they gave to one of my siblings because they needed it, aren't entitled and I'm thrilled they're back on their feet again.

Deciding to give substantial sums of money for a house deposit to one child and not another purely so the one who chose to have a baby can buy a property in a nicer area than they could otherwise afford is treating he children unfairly and tells the other exactly how their parents feel about them all.