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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at my parents

250 replies

ClownsandCowboys · 20/10/2019 20:41

IABU, I know I am. But I'm also upset. They live 150 miles away, but have been talking for a few years now about moving closer to us. There isn't anything tying them to where they live now, in terms of family, friends etc. They've talked about it with the dc (age 10 and 7) who constantly ask when they will move closer.

The issue is they don't really seem too committed and my ddad particularly seems keen not to move "too close". At the moment they are considering somewhere just over an hour away.

And I know, it's their life, they've raised they dc etc. They are early/mid 60s. But, dd (7) is autistic, and our life is very stressful, trying to manage her and her needs, ds, work etc. I'm currently signed off work because of the stress of everything (I also have a mh issue). One of the main points is dd really isn't coping with childcare, I changed hours so I could do drop offs, but she is still struggling. I'm trying to get work to agree to some flexible working, which is proving challenging. DH work have agreed and he already does what he can.

We just really need their help. Not everyday, not necessarily for all the after school childcare. But for help, support, respite.

I know I'm being unreasonable. I'm upset that my dad is so adverse to living closer, because I really need them. I wish I didn't.

OP posts:
alittlequinnie · 20/10/2019 20:54

I feel your pain.

I know that they have "done their time" etc and they don't HAVE to help with Grandchildren but I strongly believe you lose all the closeness when family move away.

My Mum and Dad moved 350 miles away 15 years ago.

My (grown up) daughter was diagnosed with a degenerative incurable disease about 8 years ago. She struggles and I have tried to juggled my hours around to help as much as I can (it's a pleasure to me)... but I can only do so much.

I often think if my parents lived closer they could really help and make things easier even if it was only one day a fortnight.

There's lots of other issues too such as the size and layout of their house means my daughter cannot visit them at their house (wheelchair won't fit) and the sheer distance involved means you have to have time off work to go there - it's so hard to do it in a normal weekend.

They moved away becuase they liked the area as they had taken holidays there for many years. No family, work or friends there at all.

My DH points out that actually the most important thing to my parents in their whole lives is living in that house in that area.

I have to suck it up because they are grown adults and can basically do what they want - I just can't help wishing, like OP, that they wanted to be nearer to me and their grandaughter.

summersherewishiwasnt · 20/10/2019 21:16

Perhaps they know you want help and are reluctant to step into that role. I would not want to, sorry but I wouldn’t.

Thehop · 20/10/2019 21:18

I wouldn’t want to take this on at their age either, though I hugely sympathise as my mother never did a bloody thing for me to help either and it’s really hard.

I’m sorry you’re having a shit time

Would you love closer to them?

SusieOwl4 · 20/10/2019 21:20

I do find this sad . I would move next door to my grandchildren if I could . And at that age they could help . I don’t know what to say really .

Elodie2019 · 20/10/2019 21:22

I'm sorry things are hard for you.
They're telling you that they aren't prepared to/up to helping you out on a regular basis. It's hurtful but also a big ask from you.
Can you find other ways to get help? Paid care?

hiredandsqueak · 20/10/2019 21:27

Have you asked social care to make a needs assessment? Your family may well be entitled to support both for your dd as a child with a disability and you and dh as carers.

billy1966 · 20/10/2019 21:35

Sorry OP, that sounds like a huge amount on your plate.

I can only imagine how much you would love their presence and support.

You have every right to feel disappointed.

However, your parents are at an age where they may see a limit to the "good years" they have left.

They may also want to protect those years by maintaining as much freedom and flexibility as possible.

Neither of ye are wrong.

Personally, I would like to think I would want to help my child out if they were struggling.

But committing to providing regular childcare is a very big ask.

Clearly your father does not want to do that at this point in his life.

You have my full sympathy for the pressure you are under.
Wishing you strength 💐

HugoSpritz · 20/10/2019 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

picklemepopcorn · 20/10/2019 21:41

It's a shame. If they move closer to you when they are much older, they will find it harder to make friends and build a new life in your area.

I had very little support from family when my children were young. No babysitting, no sleepovers. I have every intention of supporting my sons, should they ever have children.

Did your parents have to do much care for their parents? I must say, I hope we get a break between being on call for our parents before we're on call for grandchildren!

RhinoskinhaveI · 20/10/2019 21:58

You can't make your parents want to be involved in caring for your children, but obviously if they need care when they are older you won't want to help them either.... maybe in the long run it's better this way?

user764329056 · 20/10/2019 22:05

Sorry you’re going through this OP, I am so active in my GCs’ lives, I just can’t relate to GPs who don’t want to be, they’re really missing out on so much and so are you and DCs, I live very close to daughter, son in law and GCs and can’t imagine it any other way, it’s taken for granted that if they move I go too, it’s such a shame that you want the closeness but they seem reluctant

Pixxie7 · 20/10/2019 22:09

Whilst I sympathise with you. Your parents will have to completely uproot their whole lives.
Could you not move nearer to them?

ArnoldBee · 20/10/2019 22:14

First of all who moved sway from who?
Second you need a break and I don't think your parents are the ones that can provide it. Have you been in touch with home start?

PurpleDaisies · 20/10/2019 22:15

Could you not move nearer to them?

I really wouldn’t. The op’s parents are clearly saying that aren’t willing and/or able to take on more caring responsibilities.

Sorry you’re in this position op. It must be so tough for you. Flowers

Disfordarkchocolate · 20/10/2019 22:16

It sounds like the don't feel up to being the support you need. It's very sad but many people can't deal with additional needs.

RhinoskinhaveI · 20/10/2019 22:21

I understand that the OPis in the tough position but she can't expect her parents to provide care for children that she chose to have, unless it was the case that they agreed to help before she had children and changed their minds
even then grandparents don't have a duty of care towards their grandchildren, yes it's nice if they want to help but if they don't...well, you'll remember that when they need help from you won't you!

Molly2017 · 20/10/2019 22:41

OPI also feel for you. I don’t think you are hoping for much. Especially as they keep dangling that carrot of moving ‘closer’. They obviously still want you at arms length.
I also don’t understand grandparents who don’t want to be on olives on their grandchildren’s lives. My DMum would have given anything to spend time with my children but sadly passed away when they were young.
My in laws want to be present for the ‘fun’ things, Christmas, birthdays etc but don’t want any involvement whatsoever in their care and they love 5 mins down the road.
Anything that involves them actually helping us is ‘too much for them’ or they don’t feel comfortable with it.
I’m not sure what more you can do tbh other then expect nothing from them and anything else is a bonus.

Original poster
ClownsandCowboys · 20/10/2019 22:42

I moved away, at least 15 years ago, before kids, before DH. They don't have any friends where they live, my dad doesn't socialise at all really. I do get it, I'm just strung out. My mum said she would, but it's my dad.

I think it's that the time they spend with us recently seems to get shorter and shorter. I get that dd is difficult and draining, but that's what it is.

Home start have been when dd was a baby. I hated it, someone just coming and "keeping me company". I need time away from dd, time to do housework, ability to work. We haven't had a social needs assessment, but I don't what they'd be able to offer. Respite with strangers wouldn't help, she'd likely mask while she was there and then let it all out at home.

We can't afford paid care and that is already part of the issue. Dd can't cope with the transitions and multiple people in childcare. I did try and get a nanny for drop off and pick up, but couldn't because too few hours.

I realise we chose to have children, but our lives are utter shit at the moment. We exist, just, that's all.

OP posts:
Molly2017 · 20/10/2019 22:42

That should say involved not olives

Original poster
ClownsandCowboys · 20/10/2019 22:45

Our marriage has nearly fallen apart this year. Very common in families with SEND/ASD. Divorce rates more like 80%. We don't get any time together, we barely get time alone.

So yeah I'd love to be able to have a babysitter so we could spend an hour or two together. But there's no one we can pay- dd won't manage a stranger--and too much to ask a friend. Her sleep is almost non-existent, so it's more than just asking someone to read a story.

OP posts:
user1486131602 · 20/10/2019 22:53

I’m sorry I don’t have any practical advise, but was thinking how is was a shame that we couldn’t help each other out, thru the use of mumsnet? Although I do realise the reason it works is that we are all anonymous! Shame tho!

Original poster
ClownsandCowboys · 21/10/2019 07:47

Should also add, I need them to do two days after school childcare, for 2 hours. Not all of it.

I'm just sad I think, not angry. It is their life.

OP posts:
OhMyGiddyAunty · 21/10/2019 07:56

Presumably you don't see them very often/regularly if they live so ft away.

Do you think your dd would be happier with them than say a childminder who she starts to see every week?

Sorry you're having such a rough time Thanks

Fatshedra · 21/10/2019 07:57

I would look for someone you could pay on a regular basis, maybe a retired nurse or teacher. A few hours a week could be welcome, ask around, advertise. Perhaps asking DPs for money towards this would be more successful. Ask local carer companies, charities. Who provides respite care in the area.

Hoooo · 21/10/2019 08:07

I've seen a different side to this tbh...

A friend and her dh retired and uprooted and moved 250 miles to help ger dd with their profoundly disabled ds3.

They moved away from good friends and their church community.

Once they had moved her dhs health began to fail. So much so, they had to move again to a bungelow.

After a few years their dgs was put into ft residential care.

At around the same time my friend got really ill....in fact she still is. She has something so rare they are writing a paper on it!

And where is her dd and sil in all this?

Nowhere.

They rely on friends for hospital visits etc

So...it's not something I'd do tbh. And bear in mind if your dp move closer you could end up being their carer too.

Sorry you are in this situation op x