To be upset at my parents

[ClownsandCowboys]

IABU, I know I am. But I'm also upset. They live 150 miles away, but have been talking for a few years now about moving closer to us. There isn't anything tying them to where they live now, in terms of family, friends etc. They've talked about it with the dc (age 10 and 7) who constantly ask when they will move closer.

The issue is they don't really seem too committed and my ddad particularly seems keen not to move "too close". At the moment they are considering somewhere just over an hour away.

And I know, it's their life, they've raised they dc etc. They are early/mid 60s. But, dd (7) is autistic, and our life is very stressful, trying to manage her and her needs, ds, work etc. I'm currently signed off work because of the stress of everything (I also have a mh issue). One of the main points is dd really isn't coping with childcare, I changed hours so I could do drop offs, but she is still struggling. I'm trying to get work to agree to some flexible working, which is proving challenging. DH work have agreed and he already does what he can.

We just really need their help. Not everyday, not necessarily for all the after school childcare. But for help, support, respite.

I know I'm being unreasonable. I'm upset that my dad is so adverse to living closer, because I really need them. I wish I didn't.

Worrying about "what if my parents moved closer" and thinking about how much it would help, isn't really helping. It is just another thing to think about and stress over. You can't make them move closer. It could be that they did so and then started to have health problems so would be an extra burden with no respite

^^This.

It may have just been talk - guilt talk or wouldn't it be nice talk -and you've latched onto it as the answer you desperatly need.

I've done similar in my life and I was left wishing they'd said nothing at all. Though also seen how much more tired family are once they hit 60s and then after retirement as well - they are often very real concerns about how they'll cope with children.

Sadly you need to look at what realistic options you do have.

I really feel for you OP, it's tough raising kids with no outside help. It's sad that your parents couldn't even offer to help occasionally by visiting more frequently allowing you and your DH a night out. Is 150 miles approx a 3 hour journey? Even once every couple of months. Ultimately you can't force them to do this but would you feel you could open up to them about the strains on your marriage? If they still continue to do nothing you will need to come to terms with this as dwelling on it will do no good.

You sound at the end of your tether. My dh was forces, so I understand about your lack of home town. Moving every 2 years - not good.

It’s a hard one. If you where my dd I would move heaven and earth to help. But maybe your parents are settled now for the first time in their lives?

Could your dad contact one of the forces charities to see if there was any financial help for you? I often think forces kids are as much traumatised by constant moves as forces personnel are.

I know it’s not mumsnetty, but sending you a big hug.

I remember really noticing my mum's changed energy levels between her late 50s and late 60s. As you know, a disabled child is really tiring.

We don't have Camhs help, the waiting list is at least 4 years for diagnosis, so we went to an NHS clinic, but paid privately for diagnosis.

We are part of the local parents support group and know how impossible it is to have both parents working. We cannot survive on one salary though. It just isn't possible. We already have no holidays, one car etc.

I've requested flexible working, but so far work are very resistant.

Clowns&Cowboys - my comment wasn’t aimed at you, it was just a general statement. You have my sympathy.

Sorry OP but it does seem that your parents are staying away because they know you want them to look after your DD ,and they find that prospect too demanding. You say that you want your kids to know your parents, but the problem is that you then say that you need all this care, and that your DD is a big challenge . I wish there was a way around this problem but I can't see anything that can be done , apart from the suggestion I made upthread, ie pay for your mother to come over every few weeks for a week. At the very least that would give you a break. Good luck.

Would a special school be able to meet your DDs needs better? I'd at least have a look, there are some very good ones near me, but even then which is the most suitable varies from child to child.
My Dd has managed mainstream but Primary was not great, Secondary was much better. Then again Primary was only just being forcibly woken up to the fact that it had quite a few girls with ASD, and that they present differently from boys.

I feel your pain, OP. I have 2DC of primary age, one with severe ASC. My DM is often saying 'oh I wish we lived closer so I could help you out!' … they live 30 mins away by car. They have no desire to help out, but want to appear to be willing to help, IYSWIM. I could give you lots of examples of DM talking about helping out, but never actually doing it. In fact, their visits are becoming less and less frequent. My DF has pretty much no interest in my DC, and as he is the driver (DM can't drive), I guess he has the final say. We've offered taxis, offered to pick them up, but there's always an excuse. What makes me mad is that they appear to be telling all their friends and acquaintances that they do all sorts for us. We are hoping to be able to afford proper help at some point in the future. ILs are NC with us - and they live even closer than my parents. They lost interest when we told them DC1 possibly had autism.

Yabu, selfish and very entitled @ClownsandCowboys
Your parents are not your unpaid childcare. Seriously, they have raised their children and are now living their life.

@SnowyRacoon actually I've offered to pay them. It isn't the money element, it's the fact that my dd can't cope with childcare.

IT sounds exhausting, and you have my full sympathy. But, for whatever reason, they have made their choices, and you can’t change it. So it is a waste of your mental energy to keep dwelling on it.

You mention you are servicing a large debt, which must make you feel trapped. If you didn’t have that (or if it was smaller) would that help? Maybe you and your husband could focus on trying to reduce that to give you a bit more freedom.

It sounds like your home is wildly stressful for you all. I hope you can find a way out and you can find some fun and joy in your life again.

I think it's so difficult when family live so far away. It's like, you'll have been getting on with it all perfectly well, but then when they put the thought in your mind that they MIGHT be moving closer, it gets you thinking about it, and you want it to happen.

I don't know why anyone would want to live so far from their family, unless things have gone on.

Shortly after I was born (the 4th grandchild in the family), my grandparents moved to the coast to retire, which is 142 miles from where we live now. It went from my dad being very close to him, to phoning him once a week, and visiting maybe twice a year - but this dwindled as me, and then my brother, got older, and got lives of our own. Now, I haven't seen my grandparents since last summer, so almost 18 months.

My grandad is almost 100 and my grandma almost 80 (yes, big age gap), but when we do, it feels like I just don't know them. Whereas with my mum's parents I can just walk into their house and make myself at home, and I'll be welcome. I could never do that with my other grandparents, it's always a formal chat, and feels incredibly awkward, to be honest. It's a shame.

Your parents have the chance to change this, and have a close relationship with their grandkids - and I don't think you're being unreasonable to want them to take that chance.

The issue here isn't really your parents but your lack of support in dealing with a very challenging child. I can see how you think your mum being around might make things a lot better but it doesn't sound that that is likely to happen. Therefore you need to resolve the care problem. My advice would be to throw any money you have at it and compromise on other things if possible. If pouring your resources into getting some help now and some time off for you and DH saves your family then it is worth any amount of holidays, electronic equipment etc etc.

I have a son with ASD who has been very challenging - I feel your pain. It can be a lonely place hugs

I can't imagine a time when there will ever be joy again. Dd becomes more challenging as she gets older. The teenage years are likely to be horrendous.

I often think the best thing would be for me to die in a crash or something so they get my life insurance and death in service. Then DH could afford the care she needs.

We have paid childcare, but the issue is dd can't cope with it. To many transitions and longer in the day to hold herself together.

It's not a situation I can just throw money at. That would be easy. I have tried to get a nanny and failed, both privately and through an agency. The agencies weren't interested, said they would be unable to get anyone.

OP do you ever confide in your parents?

OP I really feel for you, it sounds super tough. My DC3 has severe epilepsy and ADHD and life can be really hard, not helped by the fact that my wonderful mam passed away 5 years ago, DH parents are both gone and my lovely DF is 81( but he still does pick up one day a week!). My mam had 13 grandchildren and was so involved with every, single one: as soon as I was pregnant she insisted she would have dc1 the 2 days she didn't work - and she did that for all 3. Looking back it was golden as she loved it and they adored her. It makes me so, so sad that my boys don't have her in their lives now- they miss her terribly and I mourn for the close relationship they would have with her. I've seen how the grandparent relationship is so different and special and it's very sad that your DC can't have that.

Saying all that, i was always part-time and still am now. We are equal earners ( I'm slightly more) but both only work 4 days as dc3 has lots of appointments and often needs time off school, also, to be honest, whilst he's at school we each get breathing space and time to cope with chores/ admin. It was easy for my flexibility but took years to get his agreed- we've got it now and it's a great arrangement. Sort out the debt plan ( consolidation?) and push for flexibility. We're far less well off but the pay off is so worth it.

My parents literally live in the next street and my mother starts every visit with the phrase ‘can’t stop...’

She doesn’t want to go to any groups with us and when we went to a farm yesterday wanted to sit in the car.

I’ve been saying for a few weeks now how badly I need to go shopping. She tells me she’s going to the shopping centre and I ask if we can come (it’ll be fun) she says she’s going early so no. I say we can go early too and she says she’s just running in and out. Turns out she went at 12 and was there the whole day.

My point - they can live next door and still be no help.

I get that you might like to have them nearer but I have got to say, you only seem to want this to happen so they can help you out. It’s really isn’t their job to be providing you with unpaid childcare etc. They have they own lives, and you don’t say at all that it would be lovely to have them nearer so you can see them more often. Perhaps you are giving these messages to your parents, albeit subliminally, and that’s why they aren’t rushing to move?
Do you have the same expectations of your in laws?
I find it hard to understand why there’s so much expectation on the grandparents by some people ....

Meant to say, your situation does sound tough ... still don’t think it’s your mum’s job to solve it though. I know it must be hard x

Is there a breakfast and after school club at school you could try? My DD never coped with babysitters but because at her school breakfast and after school club is run by the dinner ladies and some of the TAs it isn't strangers, its a setting shes familiar with and she goes happily.

Are there any support groups in your area? (your DD's SENCO should have details if there are) Its not much help practical support wise but other parents in the same situation as you, in the same area might have ideas you haven't thought of.

I think the best thing to do would be to go very low contact with your parents and stop having any expectations of them, they are never going to step up and help and if you keep hoping they will it will just get more and more painful for you.

@ClownsandCowboys

Is your DD on melatonin to regulate her sleep? If not, see GP to arrange. This isn't going to fix things, but will help you all.

What support are you getting from school about the situation at home re DDs behaviour? Have they any advice? Are there adjustments they can make at school so DD isn't masking there so much so she melts down at home? What ASD strategies are you using at home to reduce anxiety?

The SENDCO should be able to advise you on what is available in your area. I know budgets are slashed, but it's always worth pushing.

She goes to the onsite childcare, but it is run by a private company. It's the noise, the amount of children, the inability for her to let go. She also goes to a childminder two days and she struggles there too. Lack of childcare is a massive issue here.