To be upset at my parents

[ClownsandCowboys]

IABU, I know I am. But I'm also upset. They live 150 miles away, but have been talking for a few years now about moving closer to us. There isn't anything tying them to where they live now, in terms of family, friends etc. They've talked about it with the dc (age 10 and 7) who constantly ask when they will move closer.

The issue is they don't really seem too committed and my ddad particularly seems keen not to move "too close". At the moment they are considering somewhere just over an hour away.

And I know, it's their life, they've raised they dc etc. They are early/mid 60s. But, dd (7) is autistic, and our life is very stressful, trying to manage her and her needs, ds, work etc. I'm currently signed off work because of the stress of everything (I also have a mh issue). One of the main points is dd really isn't coping with childcare, I changed hours so I could do drop offs, but she is still struggling. I'm trying to get work to agree to some flexible working, which is proving challenging. DH work have agreed and he already does what he can.

We just really need their help. Not everyday, not necessarily for all the after school childcare. But for help, support, respite.

I know I'm being unreasonable. I'm upset that my dad is so adverse to living closer, because I really need them. I wish I didn't.

And sounds like they'd be providing it for your DS too.

As a single mother of twins, one of which has severe SEN, I truly get how you feel. I would love for my parents to help out and give me a break, but I've accepted that it isn't going to happen.
I can understand their reluctance to move as well. Maybe they were hoping to just see the grandchildren more for treats and dinners etc... But you want them to take on a massive commitment providing consistent childcare. The former is the fun stuff, the latter not so much and is probably why they've changed their minds.
From your post all you've mentioned is how it would be helpful to you, nothing about how you would love to see them more and spend more time with them.
I understand it's hard when you see so many other grandparents provide these things willingly, but i think you need to accept that you're not going to get what you want/need from your parents and let it go.

My DD has ASD - but is pretty high functioning, so I probably don't "get it fully" even though I do have friends whose children have far more profound needs.

Worrying about "what if my parents moved closer" and thinking about how much it would help, isn't really helping. It is just another thing to think about and stress over. You can't make them move closer. It could be that they did so and then started to have health problems so would be an extra burden with no respite.

I think you need to give up on this dream, and start to look for alternatives.
Can SS provide any help, or referrals to any help? (Mine seems to recommend respite holidays for me, not something I need or would help, but maybe yours has something that would help.)
Homestart might have been crap - but I have known similar organisations who have provided great support (a neighbour years back was a single mum with 2 boys one with cerebral palsy and she had a great volunteer who used to come out and help her).
Could you be the bread winner and your DH be the carer? As you say you earn the most.
Could you advertise for specialist help? I have known trained Nannies who specialise in children with SN.

What you need to do (and it will take time) is to get someone who can provide that "replacement" Grandparent that your parents aren't willing to be at present.

Op if you hate being with her all day and being hit then why would you put your parents through that or expect that they would be ok with it?? Your father finds her tricky because he has maybe seen that and that's most likely why they keep the distance.

I didn't say they could rent out their house. They don't own their house, it's shared ownership/housing association.

My sister has young children and epilepsy, not yet controlled by medication.

There's no need to be nervous of ss when it's disability related. I think you need a needs assessment. Could your husband go on carers allowance? Also the carer doesn't have to be living in the same home as you. Maybe you know a sahm on benefits who would help in return for the Carers allowance and getting out of the clutches of the jobcentre?

What is your dd main presenting problem? There are so many organisations and charities, maybe you could explore what is available more. Is your dd at a special school?

My in laws are the same. Obviously I doubt expect childcare from them but I’m surprised that they don’t want to be near their children and grandchildren. I honestly wonder why they bothered having children at all.

Has DH got parents to give you support?

frI really feel for you, it sounds terribly hard. I have been lucky enough to have family support, and I chose to live near to my parents (chance of relocation I refused) for this reason. Also, they stepped up.

I can't really understand the mentality of switching off from your children's lives just because they are older. I really can't.

I would not necessarily want to move house, but I'd hope I'd come for weekends and lend a hand. I might struggle to care for a child with additional needs, but I could help with the washing, or cooking or something. I think it's about creating a sense of solidarity. I'd also pay for childcare for you if I had the money- basically having a non-sleeping difficult child is exceptionally hard and not predictable and I'd like to think I'd support my children to the best of my capacity- visits, phonecalls, even if I didn't want to relocate. I'd leave my grumpy husband with his lack of friends to his own devices to enable this.

It's not about them relocating, I don't think, it's about lack of support all round. I don't think you can change it though. And it does make for a more fractured and less close family for the future, which may come back to bite them on the ass themselves.

talk to Social services - yes there maybe some hoop jumping and form filling - as they will need to do a needs assessment ...however in our area it is the only way to get respite...
this can be direct payments so you can employ someone (so maybe start thinking if there is someone you could employ from school maybe??) or in there could be afterschool/school holiday clubs

If you can keep your work - can you and dh look at your money/financil situation maybe with money supermarket - £700 repayment seems a lot

your parents are just not there for you for this - your mum has chosen not to help - for whatever reason maybe like DH parents DD is too tricky - Its crap you have no support and neiteh rfamily ae up for helping but you cant change them ...
I would not talk to them about moving again and make it clear to them that they are not to say anything again as it upsets DD and you... you will have to deprioritise them in your life......

DSs special school had loads of advice and i hired a teacher apprentice/ NQT as a babysitter. They are obviously DBSd and generally skint and glad of a second job.

Worrying about "what if my parents moved closer" and thinking about how much it would help, isn't really helping. It is just another thing to think about and stress over. You can't make them move closer. It could be that they did so and then started to have health problems so would be an extra burden with no respite

I also agree with this- one of them could have health needs themselves in not too distant a time frame, and it sounds like you would not be able to care for another family member and your dd, so that would be that.

She's on mainstream, we are curre tly going through EHCP process. She masks at school mostly, so they don't see a lot. She has very high anxiety, school refuses most morningsit's a huge effort to get her there. Due to this she explodes at home at any little thing. During meltdowns she punches, kicks, bites, destroys things. It's very difficult to get her to leave the house at the weekend, usually involves forcibly removing her. She doesn't sleep wellgoes to sleep late and wakes in the night. She has very specific food preferences and kicks off if it is slightly wrong. She has friendship issues because she just doesn't understand the social stuff, this makes her heartbroken as she desperately wants friends. She's often suicidal.

rhinoskinhavel and abracad I'm sorry but I find your attitude pretty disgusting. Presumably the OPs parents raised her from birth, as it was their responsibility to do as parents, but what you are saying is that they not only needed to raise OP but also be fully hands on grandparents in order to receive their child's support when they reach old age? Yes it would be nice if they were more supportive but they shouldn't be forced in to it and certainly shouldn't feel blackmailed in to assisting in order to receive their child's support should they need it.

OP I can't imagine how stressful it must be for you to have little outside support, I'm worry you are struggling. You mention that they are in a housing association property, surely that means that they have a lower rent than standard. It's not something a lot of people would give up as I imagine they may not get another HA property if they move.

More money would help solve some of your problems. Try to shelve your disappointment about your parents and think of ways to get grants / allocations from ss / any disability benefits you could claim. Try to adjust your debt. It's a plain fact that disability is expensive.

I think you need to look into SS more and get help through that route.

At their age, I'd understand it if they didn't want to look after a child without needs so to commit to childcare where there are additional needs is just never going to happen.

It's the old one of realising that parents don't have to help with gc. They've had their children and raised you and that's enough.

It seems like you just need to admit to respite homes or SS that you need help.

So often the shoe is on the other foot, grown up children move away from their home towns, sometimes to different continents. The grass is always greener. Later, when children arrive they miss the help that their parents would have so willingly given if only they were nearer.

I totally understand, I've been in the same position. I gave up work to care for my child as after school clubs, holiday clubs etc just weren't a viable option.

The school day was hard enough to manage for my child, there was often a meltdown before we had even made it home at the end of the day because of how much masking had been needed to get through it.

You are being unreasonable expecting your parents to move closer, but you know that already. They are probably aware that you want childcare and not moving closer is easier than telling you they are not willing to provide it.

If you are the main earner, could your DP/DH make some changes to their working hours?

@bossyrossy I don't have a home town, as we moved every 2 years my whole life. I've lived in my current city the longest than anywhere my whole life. This is more home than anywhere.

Just be careful what you wish for. My parents moved closer to help out with my youngest who has ASD ( I'm a single parent) I now have a son with ASD and two parents with dementia to care for!

I can see their point reluctantly. We moved to be nearer my parents (45 mins away). My step dad still works off time but the time he does has with the kids, even with me there, he is exhausted. He will nod off, need a break, you can see it's to much to be running after small children. They visit once a week or fortnight . He's 72 and he loves them but they exhaust him.

Sounds awful op.
I live 80 miles from my parents. I'm about to go back to work for the first time in 6 years. It's full time. My husband also starts his new job the same week (shit timing, it wasnt planned that way). I've asked them to come down for November to be around as we have the kids at school/nursery but haven't been able to find someone to do the drop off and pick up. Theybwill go home at weekends. Mum said they will do it but their friends have been negative saying they need their own lives etc etc. FfS it's a few weeks. Don't they care about their only grandchildren being safe and helping them cope with the change of me starting work? I know they have an active social life where they live and have my sister and gran there too who they are very involved with but I cant believe how selfish it comes across. They are happy to drive my 43 year old sister to work and back 2 days a week because shes too lazy to get a car but helping out with the grandkids, what a chore!

I like to think when I have grandkids I will be very involved.

Good luck.

If you are going through the EHCP process now is teh time to involve SServices as well due to the out of school behaviour as there is space in teh EHCP for Direct payments/social support -you need help so ask for it (there may/maynot be much) - you need to get the full picture in her ehcp
has she got an ASD diagnosis ? and CAMHS support if she is taht anxious....
in our area the best resource is the ASD parents group which is run by/for parents but 'hosted' by CAMHS or the parent carers forum ...
for EHCP help your local independenat advice service- google council 'local offer' and the services should be listed..

coudl DH go part time if you are the main wage earner...its crap I dont know a single family that have managed to keep both parents working full time.....

I dont know a single family that have managed to keep both parents working full time.....

I'm afraid I agree, look for all the support and tips of parents who have been there.