To be upset at my parents

[ClownsandCowboys]

IABU, I know I am. But I'm also upset. They live 150 miles away, but have been talking for a few years now about moving closer to us. There isn't anything tying them to where they live now, in terms of family, friends etc. They've talked about it with the dc (age 10 and 7) who constantly ask when they will move closer.

The issue is they don't really seem too committed and my ddad particularly seems keen not to move "too close". At the moment they are considering somewhere just over an hour away.

And I know, it's their life, they've raised they dc etc. They are early/mid 60s. But, dd (7) is autistic, and our life is very stressful, trying to manage her and her needs, ds, work etc. I'm currently signed off work because of the stress of everything (I also have a mh issue). One of the main points is dd really isn't coping with childcare, I changed hours so I could do drop offs, but she is still struggling. I'm trying to get work to agree to some flexible working, which is proving challenging. DH work have agreed and he already does what he can.

We just really need their help. Not everyday, not necessarily for all the after school childcare. But for help, support, respite.

I know I'm being unreasonable. I'm upset that my dad is so adverse to living closer, because I really need them. I wish I didn't.

OP I really empathise with you, I have a sibling with ASD so I can appreciate how hard it is. The trouble is other people really don't see the daily grind, how bloody tough it is. My parents never got any help from family or friends with my sibling, I think people think, oh that's tough but really don't realise how much harder it is than NT children, as sibling would be pretty quiet / shy when out.

I think you should talk to your mum again and just be really honest, just say what you've said here that you're really struggling, your marriage is really struggling and you really would appreciate some help. Then maybe write your dad a letter to the same effect.

If they still won't do it then so be it, but at least you've told them exactly how hard it is.

Could they rent out their home and then use that income to rent something close to you? (so doesn't feel like such a commitment)

Or would your mum be prepared to come and stay with you for eg a week a month?

By the way, early 60s really isn't old to offer some family help, unless they have serious health conditions. Our generation will still be working at that age and beyond.

Can your parents commit to coming over once a month to stay with you for a couple of days?

Our DDs moved away with uni. We didn't have any great ties to our home area and I hated being 8 hours away from them, so we moved. We're now 1.5 hours away. There's every chance that DD2 wil settle closer to where we are now. This means we'll have all made changes and moves to help support each other. It's not what I had growing up but it's what I want for my DDs. Having said all that I'm not sure I'll be of any use as a regular babysitter: I'll certainly do ad hoc, and who knows I might end up with regular times, but I'm not currently planning on it. Maybe your parents are worried? Maybe they don't feel fit they're enough.

I can see where you are coming from but your parents are still young and presumably active. They have their lives and their friends where they live now. Why would they give it all up? Obviously it would help you but why should they give up their day to day life when they could have another 20/25 years ahead of them?

I think you need to find some paid help to help you out. Could your parents help you financially

So you choose to move 150 miles away( did yougive your parents a second thought) and now that you are struggling you think they should uproot themselves to suit you ? CF

I’m sorry things are so hard for you OP.
I don’t think it’s fair to expect your parents to move so far just to help you out though. They obviously are reluctant to. This is their time now. They’ve had their children and done all the hard work, it’s their time to do whatever they want.

Also I wonder if they’re worried that they would be put on even more than the two after school pick ups and that other days would creep in?

Op I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time but you are being unreasonable. Also it might only be 2 hours for 2 days now, but when they’re closer I’d imagine they’ll be put in a position where they’re asked to help much more than this. I can understand their reluctance. They may be young in relation to some grandparents but dealing with an SEN child is hard work as you appreciate. I do hope your situation improves and you find the right support.

I do know I'm being unreasonable, I'm just desperate.

They don't own their house so they couldn't rent it out.

We've never been able to get a consistent babysitter, we struggle to get proper childcare due to her ASD. I know technically they can't refuse, but in reality they find reasons. Dd also loves spending time with them. Anyone else we have to pry her off us and it feels cruel and stressful for her.

My dad was in the forces so we moved a lot, they don't have friends where they live now, they have both said that. Their closest friends live an hour from us.

I know I just need to accept the lot we have and get on with it

OP could you approach ss and ask about what help there might be available. I was able to employ (via ss) a SN teacher to more or less babysit 5 hours a week. It saved my bacon.

Can you give up work and go on carers allowance? You may be able to make enough savings in the home to even out the finances.

I get it, even though my dcs dont have additional needs.

I moved post uni for work, same as many others, settled down away from them. But my parents then moved to a holiday destination, happily going from their friends and family and starting again. I got no help, obviously and ended up giving up my job after having dc2 (wage was less than the childcare and travel costs). Back in work now, but not in the same position I would have been if I didn't have a few years out.

This latest visit, they are talking about moving near me, probably next year, when dc1 is at secondary, dc2 is out of her clingy, hard work stage.

They now want to move closer because they are feeling their age and aware they might need help as they age. It sort of feels unfair they've skipped the being helpful grandparents stage (entitled to), but want the being cared for grandparents stage.

OP, does it feel like they are moving closer so they can rely on you, but not risk you relying on them?

I think it's sad that your parents don't help more. Mine helped me a lot and I've helped them a lot now they're aged. It's not about help you could pay people for, it's emotional support.

@Lowlandlucky I moved for a job when I was 24, before I met DH. My parents weren't bothered in the slightest. As I said my dad was in the forces we lived all over, often 1000s of miles from their families.

My sibling also lives nearish to me, similar distance from them, with children. She moved for university.

We can't move to where they are because we couldn't afford a one bed flat for the money we'd have from selling our house. And they don't even like where they live much!

Yes IABU. But we won't get the support we need, it just doesn't exist anymore.

I understand you are struggling but it is not your parents job to move 150 miles to help you out. Yes it is hard on you but children were your choice and yes i do understand i had 3 of them and lived thousands of miles away at times, i would never have expected my family to give up their lives to suit mine. My choices my problems

'There isn't anything tying them to where they live now, in terms of family, friends etc.'

I'm sorry Op but I do think YABU. There may be much 'tying' them to where they live and they certainly don't wish to move to take on the role as part time carers of their GC as they'd have done if well before now.

Carer's allowance wouldn't replace my wages, I'm the main wage earner. And I don't want to give up work--I know that's a selfish thing to say. I hate being at home with her all day, being shouted at, punched, kicked. Work is a little escape. Our earnings are good full time, but we have debt, at least £700 a month repayments.

'Yes IABU. But we won't get the support we need, it just doesn't exist anymore.'

Posters are saying you could approach certain departments for possible help though?

It's worth a try

I honestly do feel for you, it must be tough but it really comes across that the only reason you want them to move closer is so that they can help out.... Not because you want to spend more time with them and it's not really fair on them. Selling house, moving area to potentially have to care for GD is a big ask at their age.

You mention your parents but what about any other family that can help? DH parents? Aunts? Uncles? Does your DH take over for a bit so you can have a little breather? (and vice versa).

It really does sound like your parents are reluctant to move too close, if at all.... Especially if you have told them how much help you need (or they detect it in your voice). Your dad may be worried that being asked to help occasionally will end up being a more permanent and regular thing which they may not be able to say no to (but not really want to do). In the long run, it could put a strain on your relationship with them.

I hope you manage to find a solution. X

lowandlucky do any of your children have SEND? And I didn't ask them to move, they suggested it first, dangled the carrot. And yes at 24, I wasn't even considering kids, let alone the prospect of a child with SEND.

MarthasGinYard those are their words. That's why they are definitely going to move away from where they live now, just not necessarily near enough to us to help.

Could you pay for your mother to come for a week, say once every month or two ? I do this for my daughter who lives 1,000km away from me and has a DD with additional needs. I do everything for that week - do the pick up and drop offs, cook and clean, give my daughter a big break . She gets a week of no stress, and I love being the carer for her and the children. After a week I need a break too , but of course I go home then. Think about it - it would be better than nothing and your mother seems willing to help.

Have you really sat down with them and told them how things are? And asked them if they would move nearer you, telling them e actly what’s at stake?

Dh's parents also live too far away and they won't look after dd as she's too 'tricky'. My sister has her own young children and medical condition which means she's not able to help much. She has done in the past, she's been amazing.

I do want to spend time with them, my dad obviously doesn't want to spend time with us anyebecause he finds dd too hard. I want my kids to know their grandparents in a way that I didn't (because we lived so far away).

I will look at social care, but bit nervous about that. I imagine it means more paperwork writing all the awful things about my dd, all the things she can't do, like DLA etc. And hoop jumping and begging. I suppose I'm used to it with doctors and school.

There isn't anything tying them to where they live now, in terms of family, friends etc

That may be true. But if they LIKE living there, that does matter. I live far from my DD and I don't have any other family here, but I like living here and I don't want to live where DD lives. It's not only family / friends which makes people live where they are .'

They don't like where they live and will definitely be moving away.

'just not necessarily near enough to us to help.'

And again they want to keep the distance Op and I hate to say it but I kind of get it.

You mention your DS lives near you

Does she have DC yet?

I honestly think especially your father is very reluctant to end up moving where he could get collared constantly for childcare. You've already said you 'need' 2 afternoons a week.

They are also really young GP's probably loads they want to do.

'They could just rent out' their house all sounds like you have it planned for them.

I wouldn't want to do that maybe they don't either.

Of COURSE it’s their choice. But they will not be able to expect reciprocity when they are infirm. More fool them.

This is exactly why they dont want to move closer. This will become their problem. You need childcare and probably would need them to provide holiday/emergency care etc. At their age I cant think why they would want to tie themselves down when they have done their time raising children. Sorry op it's tough but this is yours and dh problem to solve.