To be upset at my parents

[ClownsandCowboys]

IABU, I know I am. But I'm also upset. They live 150 miles away, but have been talking for a few years now about moving closer to us. There isn't anything tying them to where they live now, in terms of family, friends etc. They've talked about it with the dc (age 10 and 7) who constantly ask when they will move closer.

The issue is they don't really seem too committed and my ddad particularly seems keen not to move "too close". At the moment they are considering somewhere just over an hour away.

And I know, it's their life, they've raised they dc etc. They are early/mid 60s. But, dd (7) is autistic, and our life is very stressful, trying to manage her and her needs, ds, work etc. I'm currently signed off work because of the stress of everything (I also have a mh issue). One of the main points is dd really isn't coping with childcare, I changed hours so I could do drop offs, but she is still struggling. I'm trying to get work to agree to some flexible working, which is proving challenging. DH work have agreed and he already does what he can.

We just really need their help. Not everyday, not necessarily for all the after school childcare. But for help, support, respite.

I know I'm being unreasonable. I'm upset that my dad is so adverse to living closer, because I really need them. I wish I didn't.

I’m truly saddened by this thread. Expectations that GPs should ‘step up,’ GPs should be more involved, oh my days.
Why on Earth should GPs move closer? Why should they leave the area that they know and love? Moving to social housing in another area is hard and fraught.
OP... you need to engage your doctors and special needs services. Engage your SENCo. You cannot rely on your parents. It’s not fair. What if they need help? Will you be able to help them?

Not as saddened as I am to read your response! The GPS are moving anyway. Hopefully if they refuse help, then she'll refuse them help

You reap what you sow....

im sure this has been said op but have you tried searching out for some home help or respite.perhaps look up charities in your area that work with children with your dd condition.
im sorry you feel so at your witts end.many know how hard it can be.

@ExhaustedFlamingo thanks. We've been waiting for the autism team to come into school and observe, make recommendations and report. We were advised to do that before applying for EHCP (by local support group) as good evidence. They are coming next month (waiting list for a year).

There have been some improvements as we moved her mainstream schools as her old one was shocking and refused to acknowledge anything.

School are really supportive and will generally put in place things we suggest. But, like with the sensory breaks, dd refuses because she doesn't like attention being drawn to her.

Thinking of you today OP, hope that assessment is of some use

It must be terribly difficult. there are services that can help for respite. Please try to look into this and speak to your GP. Having children is incredibly hard especially with a child with additional needs. We are an international family with difficult situation and I haven't been able to work due to care responsibilities. We chose to move away from our families. There isn't a day that I regret that decision, but in the same breath we could move to them. An upheaval. yes. As a compromise, various family members have come for 1-2 weeks at a time to help. this is our compromise balance. The other question is where is your dhs family? Can the two work together to give some respite? Unfortunately, it is your children and it up to you to find your solutions. It is not your parent's situation and they can only do what they can only do. I am guessing that they are worried about the burden you and your DH will put on them to care for the children. yes, they are the gcs but they still want more and not everyone is that way inclined. I, for one, would not want to dedicate my retirement to my gcs. A balance is needed but perhaps not just put your frustration on their heads.

OP I am so sorry for your situation. I strongly and passionately believe that children are for life and that families should do what they can to help each other. Ignore all those people calling you a CF etc on here. It actually makes my blood boil that there are so many GPs that can’t be bothered to spend time with their grand kids and help their children out. It’s a two way thing as children should help their ailing parents when the time comes. My mum’s last words to us were “look after each other”. That’s what proper families do.

My husband and I have both turned 60 this year. Have four children, six grandchildren, still growing! All the family, bar one daughter, who has no children yet, live locally. We love being involved, but DO find it hard sometimes. We simply don’t have the same energy reserves we had as parents, even though we swim cycle, go to the gym etc. Being with children requires a different level of energy, both mental and physical. I’m now at the stage where I understand how our parents felt, certainly mum and mum-in-law. Menopause put paid to that. Not just a few hot flushes and no periods! But a complete ‘ change ‘ literally. I’ve felt quite ill on and off for the last 3 years. It’s very difficult to look after a one year old, when you haven’t slept at all, all night, when you’re 30! When you’re 60, forget it, it’s not happening. A phone call to my daughter-in-law, apologising, but she won’t be able to go to work today. I can understand your anguish, and feel for you, but your parents may simply feel they wouldn’t be able to cope full time, which is probably what it would be, even if the reality was say three days a week. It’s the commitment they most likely would worry about. Perhaps trying to get outside help is a good idea. They should be much more reliable than people of our age. That is always what I worry about....letting people down, and there is such a likelihood of this now, I don’t even like agreeing to babysit too far in advance, in case I’m not well enough at the time. Hope this helps, and all the best for your family🤗

"the idea of looking after a primary aged child for 2 hours on a regular weekly basis makes me realise I couldn't bear to commit myself to that."

Timoranotherchange, do you mean a typical child or a child with significant SN such as the OP's? If the former...being completely serious here, but you might want to get your level of tiredness checked out at the doctor's (low iron, vitamin D, thyroid etc.)--it sounds like something that goes a bit beyond just "getting older."

I think the lady you’re referring to Kokeshi 123, may be in menopause! It sounds exactly like it. It’s always good to have blood checks, but I bet they’re normal, but hormones are all over the place!

I felt so sad reading your post Buzb. I can assure you our generation has not had it easy. We had no support from family, but that is another thread! You are right, your generation has been screwed. From anyone going to university, and paying a high price, to not being able to afford the basic right to affordable homes etc. On more than one occasion, we’ve had various offspring coming back home with us to live for various reasons, and this is very common throughout our age group. I’ve spent many hours, days, years, looking after grandchildren, while parents worked. I loved it most of the time, except when I wasn’t that well myself. But it wasn’t right. I didn’t see that I’d done it all once with four children, it was more I felt bad because I was getting it again, and the parents were missing out. Your parents may just have issues they can’t discuss with you. None of us know for sure, what goes on behind closed doors. I can’t emphasise enough just how many grandparents DO help now, compared to 30 years ago. You can only do your very best for the time, and try not to dwell too much on what might be, because it might not! You concentrate on your own family, and be the best you can. 🤗

@endlessstrife lovely message. Too many people depending on grandparents. People don't want to depend on other people if they can help it. We're struggling also but it's mostly because a lot of my friends have to work - I'm missing my girl gang. I feel lonely when I go to mother and toddler. It's grandparents and toddlers everywhere. I've got nothing in common with grandparents.

@endlessstrife - thank you so much for understanding! I am the menopausal lady, and you are right - it is almost impossible to describe to anyone who hasn't been through this - or who has had a fairly easy transition- how dreadful you can feel. @Kokeshi123 - The sleepless nights and the utter exhaustion are what do you in. I did mean a perfectly 'typical' child to be brutally honest, not one with SN. I just don't have the energy levels to want to commit to babysitting/minding any primary aged child with the 'normal' levels of chat and energy they have. It would leave me shattered. I am under the doctor at present and on HRT, but I cannot believe how tired I am on a permanent sort of basis, with hot flushes and restless nights. I never feel well or energetic. @endless strife absolutely gets it.

I am sorry for you OP. I really do understand. We are in the same position. I love my husband dearly but my god does having an asd son make things hard. I am just about holding down my very part time job and I am absolutely shattered from the relentlessness of it all. I asked my mum for help and her response was ‘you chose to have children and you need to put their needs first’. I do, I absolutely do 100% of the time but I don’t remember the last time I had an evening/part of the day just to talk to my husband without my son taking over the conversation. I also don’t remember my mum putting my needs as a child above her own but that’s another story! I know that grandparents don’t have to do what we’ve asked them but it’s incredibly hurtful when they don’t want to help. I know I would move heaven and earth to help my children if needed. Wishing you lots of love and free free to message if you need a chat with a fellow struggling Sen parent x

You’re welcome Timeforanotherchange. I realise we’ve kind of gone off course here, but menopause is a big thing to deal with, and not the best time to be going backwards and start looking after small people again

@TimeforanotherChange

Most women in the early mid 50's get it.

I have teenagers, but would shudder too at small children. As do my friends.

Absolutely no interest or the energy required to look after them.

I went through an extended period of sleeping very poorly with hot flushes and felt like the walking dead. Literally.

Barely able to function, some days feeling like I would love a nap.
And I would be fortunate that I do not work outside the home.
For my friends who do, they are absolutely shattered from it.

I feel very very sorry for the OP, whom has to deal with an unbelievably stressful situation. God help her.

But I can well imagine GP's not being able for it.

Although I love my children very deeply and we have put the first throughout their lives, I honestly cannot see my husband and myself being involved with the raising of GC.
I just think we will be too old, if we are lucky enough to be alive and well to be anything other than a benign influence.

Reading the posts on here I do wonder how my children will cope.

I think young couples have it very hard with full time work and trying to raise a family.

they forget how much support their own parents seemed to give them. It's a selfish society

That's just not true across the board. Grandparents I know seem to help a lot more nowadays than they did 30 years ago, if only because fewer mothers worked out of the home. Nowadays what used to be regular visits to gps, of the fun and visiting family variety, has turned into going to gps while parents work. Childcare in fact.

Nobody I knew in the 80s expected their parents to provide regular childcare. Children did stay over at granny's for fun and because they loved them - but less often because they needed the childcare to work. I feel that grandparents nowadays are taking on a more responsible role in the lives of their grandchildren. It seems not to be for fun and affection any more - more a duty than anything else.
My parents certainly never spent any time alone with my SN daughter. I wouldn't have expected them to. She ran me ragged and I could barely cope with her myself. I don't agree with sweeping statements that grandparents are selfish for not being able to support their grandchildren, alone, on a regular basis.

I would totally agree with the above.
My DP didnt do any CC at all.
Visits yes but CC or giving money,buying things other than Christmas or Birthdays -never.
From the outside perspective yourDP dont only have a GD with SEN but also a DD with MH issues and serious debt.
From my perspective and experience they probably feel it wouldnt just be a few hours CC ( with a child who is explosive) but far more.
Im afraid there is always another side to the story

One of my nephews has ASD and was such a difficult child as well (not his fault of course). His mum had therapy to keep on coping with day to day life. I know you dread the teenage years but they don't have to be dreadful, my nephew calmed down a LOT from the age of 11. Not the same as a neurotypical child but life is so much more easier, it's like they can breathe again.

With your parents living far away least you don't have an extra burden of care if they get ill. That can hapen younger than you think. I spent a lot of weekends of my twenties caring for terminally ill ex-MIL and my own mother after that. Then a few years of sweet nothing and then married DH and spent quite some time with a very ill FIL. When he died about 2 years nothing and now my dad is getting all these health issues. I'm 40 and a big part of my free weekends in the past 20 years has been taking care of a parent. I think that if you would have to care for a sick parent now it would destroy you.

The first thing to sort out is her lack of sleep
Your doctor can support with this melatonin is given
Didnt want to read and leave please private mesage me for more advice if you can
Yes your right with the divorce rate with families with additional needs.
Take care

Or you could be like my friend. Two small children with ASD that are very challenging. Her fit mother in her late 60s moving nearby to help but unfortunately after a couple of years developing dementia when she hit 70. Friend now looking after all 3 - two challenging children with no help from PiLs and a challenging mother.
I think none of us know what life will throw at us. Maybe you can beg your mother to help even just one day a month. For all you know, she might be scared of your daughter. If she's worked with SN children then she'll have a pretty good idea of how badly things can develop.
I think you need to continue knocking on doors for assessment and help from local authorities. Best of luck.

I'm sorry I haven't had time to read all messages here and someones probably said this but would your Mum come and stay for a few days at a time? If she wants to help and he doesn't would she be able to leave him at home and come and help out? Just a thought

Regarding Autism and marriage break-up, it’s a viscous circle, isn’t it? A stressed parent inevitably snaps occasionally and the kid gets worse, making the parent more stressed and it’s easy to let things spiral out of control.

How to break the cycle?
Two things:
(1) Go talk to your doctor about your own state of mind. Get them to recommend you for cognitive behavioural therapy. It’s available on the NHS, although most areas do have a longish waiting list.
(2) Both give up trying to discipline or change the behaviour of your autistic child when they are close to melt down. The only thing that works is reassurance at that time - tell them how much you love them and that you love being with them. Even slight criticism when they are melting down can prevent them from recovering for hours. The mistake we made, until we caught on, was assuming that positive attention when they melt down would, in some kind of Pavlovian way, reinforce the melt-downs. We learned to give cuddles and love, quietly in those moments and to give praise and confidence building attention when the child was calm.

You can’t completely change the dynamic, but the CBT really helps accept it, and manage your own emotions to apply the techniques that I’m sure you’ve learned yourselves help the child.

Best of luck, and book in to see the doctor tomorrow - tell them you are depressed, and need some support to help you be better at regulating your emotions when your autistic child melts down.

I've probably missed this, but if you're the higher earner can't your DH be the one at home with your DD, at least for a while?

The former teacher idea is a good one. I know someone who works at a special needs school. They are winding down from their day to day job to do more private stuff. They are brilliant with autistic children. Is it worth asking at your child’s school?

@Mrspenfold123 I've had CBT. And behavioural therapy and psychotherapy because of my mental illness. There's very little talking type therapy I haven't had over the years.

We don't criticise her or discipline her for meltdowns. It's still a knife edge as to what is a meltdown and what is behaviour sometimes. We stay calm, she hits us, punches and bites. We don't intervene or speak, sometimes I simply re in sher that I love her and want to help.

The reason my DH can't reduce hours is because his employer is so flexible he is able to work from home, flex his hours etc to fit round needs. My part time plan was based on him being able to wfh sometimes. He wouldn't be able to go part time, he'd have to totally give up work, which we can't afford.