To be upset at my parents

[ClownsandCowboys]

IABU, I know I am. But I'm also upset. They live 150 miles away, but have been talking for a few years now about moving closer to us. There isn't anything tying them to where they live now, in terms of family, friends etc. They've talked about it with the dc (age 10 and 7) who constantly ask when they will move closer.

The issue is they don't really seem too committed and my ddad particularly seems keen not to move "too close". At the moment they are considering somewhere just over an hour away.

And I know, it's their life, they've raised they dc etc. They are early/mid 60s. But, dd (7) is autistic, and our life is very stressful, trying to manage her and her needs, ds, work etc. I'm currently signed off work because of the stress of everything (I also have a mh issue). One of the main points is dd really isn't coping with childcare, I changed hours so I could do drop offs, but she is still struggling. I'm trying to get work to agree to some flexible working, which is proving challenging. DH work have agreed and he already does what he can.

We just really need their help. Not everyday, not necessarily for all the after school childcare. But for help, support, respite.

I know I'm being unreasonable. I'm upset that my dad is so adverse to living closer, because I really need them. I wish I didn't.

That's pretty sad of your employer, OP. In that type of work they really ought to be setting an example. Is it easy to fill your type of post? What is their concern about the short days - do you answer client phone calls that would go unanswered or is it desk work that could be done at home remotely after DC bedtime?

Don't feel you have to answer these questions, but it sounds like you need employment advice.

That's a bit scary Time for those of us knocking 50 with primary age DC! My DP were pretty energetic well into their 70s, but they didn't have to work FT which will make a huge difference.

I was in just the same situation as you except my parents had no intention of moving closer and were still working. It's really hard juggling kids and additional needs just complicate things further, we couldn't use childcare etc. It does get easier - hang in there and build a network of caring people around you who actually want to help. My dd is now helping younger people with autism herself, at 7 I never would have considered her being able to do anything

I need them to do two days after school childcare, for 2 hours. Not all of it.

That sounds like a lot, OP.

I really feel for you but I’m a similar age to your DP, I don’t think I would be able to cope with that. Also, their time is limited. They have perhaps ten years of healthy active life before they start having their own health issues. (I know some people will say they are fully fit and active into their eighties and nineties but that isn’t the case for everyone).

I think you need to access help from elsewhere, but I do feel for you.

Four hours a week sounds like a lot? For people who are presumably retired? Four hours to help your struggling daughter? Blimey...

My Dd has ASD , She takes melatonin which I buy online, from piping rock, and beta blockers which she has prescription for, she still can’t cope with school but is calmer and sleeping helps so much.

It's a lot if your health and energy levels are not what they were. It's also a commitment that would get in the way of things they might have been planning to do in their retirement.

I'm so sorry you're in this difficult and upsetting situation, I hope you're OK and are able to seek support for yourself as well as trying to resolve the logistics.

We have a six year old son who has ASD, my parents have recently moved back to our hometown (they retired back to my mam's home country which is another UK country). Ostensibly it's about being closer to and helping us (my husband is from a non-EU country so his family helping is impossible) but they also recognise that we can - and do - support them, too. My mam has the beginnings of dementia and my dad's physical health isn't brilliant but as a team they are still able and they help us as much as they can, I am so aware of not asking too much or putting too much responsibility on their shoulders. However, I know we are beyond lucky that they have made this move as my mam was near her other family again and they had a beautiful home over there which hasn't been matched here (house prices) and it has cost them moving and then moving again. All that said, I do feel - while being immensely grateful - that it was the right thing to do while it was within their ability. They knew the difficulty and stress my husband and I were (still are, to a lesser extent) and how much it would help and what it would mean to us. I wish your parents would make the same decision - might they change their minds in the future? - but agree with others that in the meantime there are other ways to access at least some help.

We recently had a disability social worker assess our son for the 2nd time. The first time they utterly failed in their duty and assessment and deemed hik to have no additional needs or requirements in comparison to any other child of his age. This is just ridiculous to anyone who knows or has ever met him. I involved our local councillor and MP and he has finally (18 months later) been granted funding for the after school club at his SEN school. I don't know if your DD attends mainstream or a special school? He has also been funded for two days a week during hols at a specialist autism summer school. We tried others and he was just left behind while they went on trips and did activities, playing with a beanbag in their makeshift 'sensory room'. I was scared to request this assessment but I'm glad I did and glad I pushed for another one, it's not related to regular, child protection social services and they can signpost and help a lot. Yes, you have to do the same as with DLA and EHCPs of always talking about your worst days as a family and your child's worst behaviour and difficulties, but needs must when we are looking after and advocating for our kids.

I don't know where you are in the country but I run a private FB group for parents and carers of children with additional needs and have come across a lot of potential sources of help and information through that. I don't have the time or energy to run a group like this, really, but nobody was reaching out and just handing us the key info and I knew that 80 heads together were better than one. I would love to share the info I have with you, have never PMed on here and not sure if I'm allowed to (yet?) but I'm here for you even if it isn't anything as practical or helpful as what you really need. I hope things get easier, it's really hard and impossible to understand from the outside.

God I wish people would read the whole thread. We're way beyond my parents doing anything.

I was told that accessing melatonin online could be reported as a safeguarding incident. That worried me.

I need them to do two days after school childcare, for 2 hours. Not all of it.

But what about school holidays, what arrangements would you make then? Maybe your parents are fearful that if they offer limited support, you'd need more and more that they would find hard to refuse but difficult to physically manage.

I swear that some people see “would like parents to help” and latch on to that as a reason for launching into their tirades. There’s really no need is there?

OP, am so sorry that you’re going through such a hard time at the moment, and of course it’s natural to want support, especially if your parents have previously spoken about moving closer to you and your family. Do you think that they would help out if you lived closer to them? I.e. if you were the one to move?

Because if you think they might help out then could it be a consideration?

I’m in the slightly opposite position in that I am the one needing some support as I have a life-limiting illness, and my parents would like me to move closer to them. However, my parents would move heaven and earth to help me out in general so I know that if I do move then it will be because I know that the support will be forthcoming even if I don’t need to rely on it.

So if you think they would be supportive then perhaps it’s worth considering?

Moving a long way away from what you consider home can be difficult, and as you moved away from them I can imagine that they might feel that it’s hard for them to move even if they ideally would like to.

@apapuchi Thank you, that is kind. I'm going to get on a social care assessment tomorrow.

My friend is American and her son is very autistic. She moved home to get parental support, and to help her parents as they aged too, then unexpectedly, bother her parents died. She's now in a state in America she didn't grow up in, knows hardly anyone, and has less support than ever, and can't afford to up-route again.
Find support around you, don't rely on your parents being there forever. Build your own life and your own support network.

@ClownsandCowboys

I am so sorry you're going through this. People are right that they're YOUR children and not your parents. However, a little help SOMEtimes would not hurt. I am always shocked and saddened when grandparents cannot be arsed. It wouldn't hurt for them to help, if only one day a week, especially if you have a child with extra needs.

I just don't understand it. You are not some random neighbour who is expecting them to babysit - you're their daughter, and this is their GRANDKIDS!

Oh well, plod on eh. Onwards and upwards. Do your best to cope (AND YOU WILL!) And in 10-15 years time, when your parenting years are done, and your DC are fairly independent, and your parents are elderly and firm and struggling with life, you know what to do............

What's that saying now........ 'what goes around comes around..........'

All the best my lovely. Trust me, this will make you very strong. As life goes on you will be able to kick problems and dilemmas in the arse!

I mean (in the first sentence,) they are your children and not your parents CHILDREN!

I'm so sorry, OP. It sounds like you are up to your eyeballs. Have you tried to talk to your mum about it openly and just say you are struggling to cope and some support from her might save your sanity and marriage? If she understands how hard things are for you and how much two afternoons a week would mean for you she might put her foot down with your dad and insist they had to help. I know your daughter is not her child, but it isn't like her autism is something you caused or expected or asked for or something.

I feel bad for your mum because she probably feels torn, and your dad probably wants her to himself if he doesn't have any friends. So maybe it's better to frame it to both of them as a plea for help before you collapse under the strain.

Maybe if they lived an hour away they could come for an overnight once a week and do the two days of after school care, plus let you and DP slip off to the pub for a couple of hours to reconnect?

I'm glad OP, and I hope you get a helpful and supportive SW.

Sorry I think I have missed the melatonin talk, is your daughter under a consultant paediatrician? If not, could you ask for a referral via GP? Melatonin has been a real help for us all. Sorry if I have missed this and it's an irrelevant comment.

I don't know that buying it online is a safeguarding issue, so can't comment on that specifically, but completely understand why you wouldn't want to touch that idea with a bargepole having been told that.

My dd is 15 been using Melatonin for 4years , so older but she couldn’t go to sleep and then would wake up repeatedly and that meant I didn’t sleep either, no amount of sleep training made any difference and a friend had been prescribed it so why her kid and not mine? GP is aware now but I didn’t tell them for years, they were fuck all use frankly and it works, some kids need it . Frankly not giving melatonin to my dd is a safeguarding issue and would just illustrate how ignorant many professionals in asd area are

It's only on mumsnet I've seen it described as a safeguarding issue. She's not under a paed, because ASD is dealt with by Camhs in our area. She's been referred to Camhs for melatonin, but goodness knows how long that will take.

I’m truly saddened by this thread. Expectations that GPs should ‘step up,’ GPs should be more involved, oh my days.
Why on Earth should GPs move closer? Why should they leave the area that they know and love? Moving to social housing in another area is hard and fraught.
OP... you need to engage your doctors and special needs services. Engage your SENCo. You cannot rely on your parents. It’s not fair. What if they need help? Will you be able to help them?

Hey OP. I'm sorry you're having such a thoroughly shitty time. I have 1 autistic DC who is in special school and another one who is in mainstream but undergoing assessment. Until you live this life, no-one realises just how different it is, and how unrelenting. And how you have to think about every tiny decision. I get it. And I'm sending lots of love.

One thing strikes me here though - you say the EHCP is only just going through. You also describe all the struggles your DD is having at school. I can tell you now, categorically, that once you sort the school problems out, there is a huge improvement at home. You've mentioned your DD bottling things up and then going boom! at home. It's really common with ASD children. People have suggested looking at a special school - you can't do that ahead of the EHCP process but you could do it as part of it. How is she doing academically? They don't like moving academically able pupils to special schools (which is ridiculous) but you can push for it if you think she'd be happier.

Also - melatonin. Please stick with your instincts and don't buy it online. It comes in all different strengths and you really do need to get it prescribed by a doctor. In our area, CAMHS are utterly shit for kids with ASD and dismiss lots of the problems as "just part of autism". You went private for your diagnosis, can you go privately to get a melatonin prescription? It really would make a lot of difference to your life. Not getting good sleep long-term is awful.

It does get better but you have to fix one thing at a time. If you're struggling with the school, speak to SENDIASS, they're an amazing support for SEN mums.

Good luck with social services, they give precisely fuck all help in our area. I've got friends with profoundly disabled kids and there is so little available.

You see other communities where the whole family raises children and I love that concept. My dad was very poorly and I looked after him until the end while raising premature twins, one with autism, while trying to set up my own business as a single mum to pay the mortgage. It was hard, bloody hard, but you take care of those around you. I think in a family you should all be supporting and helping each other, and your parents' lack of interest seems spectacularly uncaring. Have to say though, I've seen this mindset more than once in military families. Doesn't help you I know. My mum is amazing but she has cerebral palsy herself so she helps me as much as she can, and I help her too. And she moved 100 miles across the country to be with me when I fell pregnant. And I would do the same for my child if they needed me.

You moved away, not them. Can you consider relocating nearer to where they are?

I meant when your parents are elderly and INfirm (not elderly and firm.)

It sounds tough and I understand how this feels and how it feels like no one gets it! Unfortunately I think it is the generation where grandparents don't want to help and feel entitled to not support their own children they forget how much support their own parents seemed to give them. It's a selfish society. We moved 300 miles to be near parents and they just are never there for us we are lucky to see them at all they dont even have any outside interests or a life!! I've she'd so many tears and it's caused stress between our own family unit which we are trying to overcome it is so tough and makes me feel angry with the whole world as I don't see kindness in anyone! It's spiteful and nasty but I can't move on so I very much feel your pain and sadness life is unfair on our generation BUT with that I certainly won't be helping them and they will need it as they get older what goes comes around!! I hope things get easier soon for you.

@1morewineplease

I’m truly saddened by this thread. Expectations that GPs should ‘step up,’ GPs should be more involved, oh my days!

I am truly saddened (and disheartened,) by your POST. You are 'saddened' that people would like a little help from their PARENTS, when they are struggling in their life with their children, (and life in general.....) What kind of hellish world do YOU live in? I can only surmise that YOU never help YOUR adult children! (Or if they're children now, you won't help when they ARE adults, or if you have no children, you wouldn't help them if you DID have them!)

Basically grandparents don't owe their adult children ANYthing and should not have to step up and help?!

Well, no they don't owe their kids anything, and they don't HAVE to help, but they bloody well should, because it's their children and grandchildren, and they are all struggling.

I just hope selfish feckers like this, (often boomers who have had an easy and blessed life,) have their adult children telling them to fuck off to the far side of fuck in 10 to 15 years or so, when they are elderly and infirm and can't drive anymore, and need help.

In my experience, those who can't be arsed to help their own children (when they're adults and struggling,) are the ones who have had the most privileged lives, and multiple handouts. The ones who have had a bit of a hard life, and have had to work hard and not had handouts etc, are more likely to help their adult children, because they KNOW what it's like to struggle.