To be upset at my parents

[ClownsandCowboys]

IABU, I know I am. But I'm also upset. They live 150 miles away, but have been talking for a few years now about moving closer to us. There isn't anything tying them to where they live now, in terms of family, friends etc. They've talked about it with the dc (age 10 and 7) who constantly ask when they will move closer.

The issue is they don't really seem too committed and my ddad particularly seems keen not to move "too close". At the moment they are considering somewhere just over an hour away.

And I know, it's their life, they've raised they dc etc. They are early/mid 60s. But, dd (7) is autistic, and our life is very stressful, trying to manage her and her needs, ds, work etc. I'm currently signed off work because of the stress of everything (I also have a mh issue). One of the main points is dd really isn't coping with childcare, I changed hours so I could do drop offs, but she is still struggling. I'm trying to get work to agree to some flexible working, which is proving challenging. DH work have agreed and he already does what he can.

We just really need their help. Not everyday, not necessarily for all the after school childcare. But for help, support, respite.

I know I'm being unreasonable. I'm upset that my dad is so adverse to living closer, because I really need them. I wish I didn't.

You have said a lot about the various things you have considered, but not said anything about your DH's efforts. You specifically said you couldn't consider giving up work as you are the main wage earner, but that you have applied for flexible working. What about DH - as the lower earner could you manage if he went part-time and was more available at home?

It sounds like your parents are extremely aware that if they moved any closer than about an hour away you would start to lean on them more heavily than they are willing to bear. That is a shame but obviously you know it's their choice.

Could you find a way to give and receive some kind of respite in partnership with another local family from the parents support network that you mention? Obviously it would take a while to build the bonds that would be needed, but if you could find another nearby family in a similar position and could spend some time together as all families together so that their challenging child(ren) could get to know you and DH, and your child could get to know them. Maybe that might lead to you being able in the long run to swap respite evenings occasionally (DH at home with your DC, you at their house with their DC for one evening while they go out, then a couple of weeks later swap around and you get an evening off).

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. I'm in a similar boat. DH and I have 2 adopted DDs, aged 10 and 7. DD1 has hearing aids and serious attachment issues; we think she's ASD as well and we're in the process of getting her assessed for an EHCP.

Like you, I have MH issues, in my case PTSD as a result of childhood SA. My DM lives locally and she is involved occasionally but setting it up stresses me out rather than helps me. I do it to help maintain my DDs' bond with her rather than to actually make my life easier. Our other relatives live too far away.

I've given up the idea of working myself, apart from volunteer work with a Christian charity, because of therapy for DD1 and hospital appointments to monitor her hearing.

What does help is a good support network, with help from friends, for example a mum friend from the school who has our DDs at her house to play with her DDs, who are obviously our DDs' friends. (Admittedly it's more the case that her youngest is DD2's friend but she's happy to have DD1 there, too.)

We also pay a childminder to have DD1 at her house on 2 afternoons a week after school, we did this because the afternoons after school were a real nightmare and she was lashing out at both DD2 and me.

There will be solutions other than having your parents there. A SEN child is exhausting and my DM always says she's exhausted after looking after our DDs, so we don't involve her much at all. (Although tbf she is 80!)

Sorry you are having such a hard time, OP. Sounds incredibly tough. But YABU, as you say. Not to want more support, absolutely not, but to expect your parents to move to suit you and your childcare needs isn’t really fair. The move has to be right for them too. There must be something keeping them where they are, even if you don’t understand it.

They should not have dangled the carrot in front of you though, that wasn’t really fair.

I wonder, though, if what is putting your father off living closer is the fear that they will end up doing more than a few hours after school twice a week? He may be worried that once he is closer you will ask for more and more- because you are clearly (and understandably) struggling, not out of laziness etc- and they will feel it is impossible to say no. If you struggle with being shouted at and hit etc, then they probably do too. From what you have said, that is what I would be worried about, in his shoes. And, being honest, do you really think it will be just a few hours a week? I think that is unrealistic, personally.

It's shit. I get it. I'm in the same situation. But in no universe would I expect my parents to move close to me. They raised me, they support me where they can from where they are but asking them to move 150 miles to provide a couple of hours childcare a couple of times a week is wholly unreasonable.

We just had to make it work, like we do for everything else with DD's disability. It isn't fair, it isn't easy but it is what it is.

My mum said she would, but it's my dad

My mum gives this excuse for things all the time. If she really wanted to do it, she wouldn't care what dad says.

Do you have a university nearby? When I was doing my teacher training both myself and several friends also training to be teachers had jobs picking children up from school and helping them with homework for a couple of hours before the parents came home from work. Our uni used to advertise these sorts of jobs on the student website. If you do have a local university it might be worth getting in touch and finding out whether they have any similar system as you may find some enthusiastic and experienced under or post-graduates who would be able to help.

DH has already been granted flexible working. He works from home a few days a week and his employer is excellent at giving him time when needed. He only earns a little less than me. What we are aiming for is him working at a home a few days and me finishing early a few days which means no childcare needed.

If he goes part time, I'm not able to work from home so it doesn't work.

The SENCO is good, but new. She has some adjustments, but she doesn't like being different. So she won't do her sensory time because other children question her. She has anxiety about work being too hard, but they won't consider easier work as they say she'll fall behind. I feel that a stint of easier work might help build her confidence. Although she then notice she is different again.

Shes allowed to use the disabled toilet, but she doesn't like to ask or be different so she often goes all day.

Can your DH not go part time /flexible working if he earns less? or try and find a different role so he can do pick ups....
why does it have to be you?

Due to this she explodes at home at any little thing. During meltdowns she punches, kicks, bites, destroys things. It's very difficult to get her to leave the house at the weekend, usually involves forcibly removing her. She doesn't sleep well--goes to sleep late and wakes in the night. She has very specific food preferences and kicks off if it is slightly wrong. She has friendship issues because she just doesn't understand the social stuff, this makes her heartbroken as she desperately wants friends. She's often suicidal.

This sounds horrendous and I’m so sorry, but surely you can see their reluctance to provide regular child care for a child with such high needs? I personally wouldn’t. If you were my daughter, I would offer you the occasional break, but not a regular two days per week thing. You aren’t coping, and she’s your daughter and you are much younger and energetic than them I’m sure. I can’t see how someone in their 60’s/70’s would enjoy this at all.

sorry cross post....
could you go to 4 days but do 2 half days? if you cant work from home?

HugoSpritz

Seriously they have their life and are livingbit how they want to. I assume tgey do have friends, clubs, hobbies etc. They are not there to be your unpaid help. No wonder your Dad is putting his foot down.

I think this is only fair.

I have requested 0.8 over 5 days. Work have pretty much said no. They want me to take while days so they get cover.

They are moving away anyway, regardless. They hate where they live, they have no friends, hobbies etc. Sorry but please read the whole bloody thread.

Yes I'm an ungrateful cow, but I am at the end of my ability to cope. I hate my life, it's just hard. There's nothing good, no happiness, no joy, nothing to look forward to.

Dd has been referred to Camhs for melatonin so maybe she might get it when she's 11 and at the end of their waiting list. Or maybe they'll send us on one of the parenting courses they love so much.

I have advertised for students, but nothing so far. Also it means a stranger coming into a house that I don't have time to clean.

Even if they hate where the live etc etc, they have a right to move where they choose. I really do feel sorry for the way some grandparents are made to feel about their “duty” to their grown up families and grandchildren.

Of course they do. I know I'm being a dick. I've said I'm being unreasonable. I just want out of this shitty, shitty life.

BUT they brought it up first and suggested it. They told the kids. Now I constantly have to make up excuses to the kids when they ask, instead of telling my dd that she's too difficult to be around.

Sorry you feel like that.

It’s unfortunate they told your children about the move but I still feel they have the right not to follow it through. They can change their minds.

Sorry, I'm just having a really bad day. It's not anyone's fault.

Don’t be sorry. If it helps you to vent here, that’s maybe helpful.

On a wider point, I am (as ever) gobsmacked by the number of people who have a very transactional view on this whole matter though. If your parents do not drop everything in order to provide whatever level of childcare you want/decide you need then they can expect no, or very little, help in their old age? Do parents not deserve to have freedom in their retirement? Why are they expected to drop everything to facilitate your childcare requirements? Even up sticks and move hundreds of miles away, away from friends/social support network and possibly even other family. It’s fine if that is what they want, but to be obligated to or face old age without support is completely unfair. Obviously, the flip side to that is parents must recognise that if there is a significant distance between them and their children, then the physical, day to day support available may be less than if they were living closer. That’s not the same thing as saying “they didn’t help with childcare, they can expect no help from me”.

I love my parents very much, I want them to enjoy their retirement (sadly, something almost completely curtailed by my father’s poor health) and spend time doing things they want to do, but could not do whilst bringing us up and working, then working to support us at university etc. It’s a source of sadness to me (and been very difficult for mum in particular who is in good health), I cannot imagine having felt entitled to try to ask/demand they forego it all so I could have my childcare needs met. The idea that because they cannot fulfil my childcare requirements (though do help a bit), I would not help them now or in the future is just awful.

I understand that if you aren’t close to your parents because they have been indifferent or poor parents, then you might feel differently- but then, would you want someone who didn’t treat you well looking after your children for significant periods of time?

I think that if you live away and set up home a significant distance from your parents (and there is no reason why people should not do so, and lots of very good reasons why they do) and then have children, surely you do so in the full knowledge of where your parents live and if it is quite far from you, then you recognise their input in childcare may be low? If you want or need your parents to do all/most/some of your childcare, surely you ask that in advance? I know in OP’s case that she could not anticipate having a child with significant SEN, but as a general rule I think expecting your parents to move/give up a significant proportion of their time week in, week out is unreasonable.

I've a grown up dd with severe LD. She has no speech, is hyperactive, doubly incontinent and epileptic. My parents lived 200 miles away.
However, they were very up front about their feelings. My mother wouldn't even sit with dd while I went to the toilet at home, I had to take my dd into the loo with me. She was unpredictable, and strong, and would do naughty things (although obvs she didn't see it as naughty) like chucking cushions everywhere and chewing stuff she shouldn't and ripping up magazines and newspapers, purposely knocking drinks over and anything else that seemed like fun. My mother would say "please don't leave me with her, I don't know what she's going to do next"
I think that made it easier for me to accept. I felt the same. I could barely cope with her myself. I never went back to work after she was born as it was impossible to get childcare.

As hard as it is, you have to fight for agencies to step up and provide the help you need.. It's a slog. It takes time. But if you make enough noise for long enough they have to take notice.
Having parents taking up a tiny bit of slack is not the answer.
It's unfair to expect it. I knew how hard it was for myself and I was half their age. I do feel for you though, it's all really shit and there should be more help but there isn't and it's not your parents fault.
Keep knocking on the door of SS until they open it.

Am in a similar boat. DS cannot have any form of childcare as he just massively goes downhill. I’ve given up work and as even his morning only special school does not do enough so I do a massive amount each afternoon. My DP treats me like it’s a luxury for me not to work and has dropped me in it massively financially, I am now looking at minuscule pension, have no money even though DP earns loads.

I’d like to be angry but I just don’t have the energy!

And to top it all, my mother was possibly moving near and I just panicked as I know she expected me to look after her, and I just can’t do it.

So no advice I’m afraid. Just it’s pretty shit.

It’s incredibly frustrating when you feel other people have a choice that you just don’t. You can’t walk away and you can’t compel anyone to help. No wonder you feel angry.

Keep asking for help, it’s the only way. Beg your mother for just one weekend very occasionally so you can get away. One day you’ll clear your debt. All you can do is try. 💐

OP, you are absolutely not being a dick!!
You are faced with a hugely challenging situation no wonder you are struggling, frustrated and very upset!
I hope you can take some useful advice from those who have relevant knowledge and experience.

I'm sorry OP, it all sounds like a nightmare, but I don't think it is reasonable to expect your DP to move or to take on childcare, either full or part time. You accept this in your opening post, but you are desperate so are, understandably, clutching at straws.

I am not sure what the answer is, other than to make sure that you get all the help you can, but I wish you well. What would happen if you and DH split up? Would he have the DC 50% of the time and how would that work out?