To be upset at my parents

[ClownsandCowboys]

IABU, I know I am. But I'm also upset. They live 150 miles away, but have been talking for a few years now about moving closer to us. There isn't anything tying them to where they live now, in terms of family, friends etc. They've talked about it with the dc (age 10 and 7) who constantly ask when they will move closer.

The issue is they don't really seem too committed and my ddad particularly seems keen not to move "too close". At the moment they are considering somewhere just over an hour away.

And I know, it's their life, they've raised they dc etc. They are early/mid 60s. But, dd (7) is autistic, and our life is very stressful, trying to manage her and her needs, ds, work etc. I'm currently signed off work because of the stress of everything (I also have a mh issue). One of the main points is dd really isn't coping with childcare, I changed hours so I could do drop offs, but she is still struggling. I'm trying to get work to agree to some flexible working, which is proving challenging. DH work have agreed and he already does what he can.

We just really need their help. Not everyday, not necessarily for all the after school childcare. But for help, support, respite.

I know I'm being unreasonable. I'm upset that my dad is so adverse to living closer, because I really need them. I wish I didn't.

I'm sorry you're having a bad time and your parents rather than being a support, are really just creating more issues for you to deal with.

Perhaps tell them they have to tell your DD that they aren't going to move to your town, but be a bit closer. They can make up any reason they like.

It is worth spelling out to them that you are already at your limit and DD won't get easier, so if this move is in a hope to be close to you so you can help with any care they have in later life, they need to be literally on your doorstep, or it won't happen. You will not have the capacity, nor will you be able to sort out moving them closer to you if they need to later on, nor visiting a care home in a different town. Be clear if this is a 'last move', by chosing to move to further away from you, that does rule out any family help from your side, and your sister is unlikely to be different.

It sounds like they are used to pleasing themselves, which is fine, but it works both ways, you won't be taking on family elder care if they later need it.

I would look at trying to get melatonin without a prescription and giving it a try. Somehow you need to get DD to form a bond with a carer to help you out on a paid basis. Does she have any interests that could be used as a starting point to strike up a friendship with a carer? I am thinking of a hobby like crafting or something she is interested in that might be A big enough incentive for her to accept the new person. Sorry you are struggling so badly, hope things get better for you.

Of COURSE it’s their choice. But they will not be able to expect reciprocity when they are infirm. More fool them.

Firstly, I don't know why anyone would expect their children to care for them when they're ill; it's certainly not the life I want for my children. Secondly, the reciprocity would be that they cared for the OP when she was a child. Why would they only get care from the OP if they continue to help her until they're too old and broken down to do so anymore?

You're not being unreasonable. If you need help. You need help. I'm so sorry your parents don't want to or can't help you. It's hearbreaking. But you will get over this. You need to find another way.

And OP- my last post is not aimed at you. You are in an incredibly difficult situation and I don’t think I would cope well with a child with your daughter’s needs, so you are doing a good job to still ge standing!

I can understand you feel desperate and want help from your parents. They should not have held out that carrot, really, though perhaps they meant it at the time but now realise they cannot manage/do not want to do what you would want or need from them. You know them, so you will know if it was likely to have been an empty promise or not.

My suspicion is that they probably don’t feel able to cope with your DD’s needs on a regular basis, or perhaps don’t want the level of commitment they think you want/need. So they are wary of living closer. Or there is another reason you aren’t aware of.

I don’t think they have to provide this care- in the same way I would not automatically expect someone to take on the care for a physically frail or demented parent- yes be there to support (e.g. organising shopping delivered/taking shopping in, or helping to organise delivered meals/meals on wheels, or helping with paying bills etc) or to organise/ensure carers/care or nursing home etc, but not the day to day care.

I think you should focus on getting the support you need from other services, if at all possible. I am aware that is far easier said than done. But more financial support does allow you to look at buying in regular care/support- hard at first until your DD gets to know them, but would hopefully get easier. Perhaps speak to your parents about how you feel now and about what support they can give- not a set in stone commitment necessarily. And the same from your parents-in-law. And perhaps ask your mum and/or dad to speak to you DC about the change in plans, so it’s not down to you.

They're not experienced or qualified to look after your children, they know that one is aggressive at home (not at school, though) and that you have a MH issue. You're talking about looking for students to do it, just teenagers/early 20s when your DD doesn't cope with a CM.

It's hard, yes, but it really does sound from the outside as though you want somebody else to look after her for free (or actually, at their cost in terms of moving somewhere that suits you). It could be that they initially suggested closer in terms of occasional visits being easier and when your response was 'that would be wonderful because then you'd be able to look after her instead of the professionals - at which point they've thought 'No, that's not what we meant.' If your MH isn't great, how do they know your 'two days a week' won't change to every single day?

People with a lifetime career in the services are sometimes the least able to cope with explosive, aggressive situations because of their experiences. I'm sure I'll be told now that he worked in accounts somewhere really cosy, but in truth, nobody other than the person themselves will know what they really had to deal with - my granddad's WWI story was he just looked after horses, but his actual experience was coming under direct bombardment, both conventional artillery and chemical welfare, with those horses and subsequently becoming a prisoner of war when wounded and left for dead underneath bits of horse. He could happily look after me as a child because I was quiet, but he wouldn't have been able to handle a child that wasn't - so he never looked after my brothers.

Your desperation is obvious - but your parents are not the solution to all your worries.

She doesn't cope with the environment of the childminder. She needs to be at home where she feels safe. And I'm not asking for free childcare, I'd happily pay.

If you've never tried getting childcare for a child with SEND, then it might seem surprising that it doesn't really matter how much money you throw at the situation.

I have tried to buy in care, but cannot find anyone willing to do it for the number of hours. It is not a lack of wanting to pay.

@mitzik your poor Grandad. What a traumatic experience.

I too agree. It is quality support you need from someone who is paid to provide it professionally. Easier said than done I know. I haven’t got it either. Although I am really looking into one person to provide regular but very short care - someone who is likely to stick around - maybe just one hour a week but well paid and supervised by me until they are comfortable. Let them learn about our child first.

You aren’t alone though. Many of us in the same boat.

I know I am sacrificing myself financially and my mental well being too. However on the up side -
Your child is 7. This is a crucial time to lay foundations.

The more we get right now, the better they will settle in and be able to cope later. That is one reason I’m not taking risks with poor quality care.

In that case if I were you I’d give up trying to find care for the hours you need.

But I could try and find some kind of care, like I said maybe one hour even or two a week and build this up. See this as a 2 year plan.

If you’re not getting any luck with students have you contacted any of your local special schools? They might be able to ask some of their TAs/ teachers, who will be experiences looking after children with SEND, if they’re looking for any after school or weekend work. The last school I worked at would put up adverts like this in the staff room. Also look into whether any of the special schools might have after school clubs which would be open to children from settings, again at my last school we had an after-school club which a few children with SEND from surrounding mainstream schools would attend.

Have you explored whether there are any charities such as mencap working in your area? In some areas mencap offers after school clubs and Saturday provision for children with SEND. Have you looked on your councils SEND local offer website page? Usually this will have a page with information about available childcare for children with SEND as well as lots of other information about services for children with SEND and support available in your local area. If you go to your councils page or type the name of your council with ‘local offer’ into website that should come up.

I also suggest a visit to the SEN boards where you’ll find lots of helpful parents of children with SEND who are or have been in the same boat and can offer more advice.

I've sadly nothing useful to add but I'm so sorry for your situation.

You are not a dick or ungrateful. You are trying to hold it all together and it’s very very hard. Firstly, despite what you may think, you are doing a good job. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. Secondly, no your parents do have to do childcare or help out but they could move nearer to be there and set boundaries. They might say they can do X and not Y. They don’t have to do it all but it sounds like you’re not asking for them to help you out completely, just a bit. Of course there’s no obligation to help adult children but if you were my daughter, I’d want to be there for you. I know I couldn’t do it all and I’d tell you but I’d want to help. It’s about kindness, love and support. I’m sorry your parents haven’t been there for you more. They are not wrong in this but I don’t think it’s particularly kind. Some people on MN have the attitude that we have no obligation help other adults we love. For me, love means helping people and showing I care.

You're clearly completely exhausted and need to ask for help. I do think that you should involve Social Services, they can offer support to you. Maybe some respite care? You badly need a break; it's so important that you should have a chance to recharge your batteries. Things always seem particularly bleak when at the end of your strength.

We found Social Services very helpful when we approached them several years ago. Admittedly, it's easier to approach them as adoptive parents, as the children are already on their radar.

I hope you find the support you need.

Hugs, OP. I have no advice but lots of sympathy as we’re in a very similar situation (though my parents would help if they could - they’re just not physically up to it). It’s really, really hard and must feel even worse for you because you’ve been holding out for a lifeline that’s now been whipped away. Your parents are NBU, but neither are you for being sad.

I'm guessing that your mum is the type who can't say no and your dad is probably worried that you are going to take advantage of her. Of course it's lovely if grandparents can help out occasionally, but they should not ever be relied upon or expected to do so. They are your and your husband's kids, that you chose to have so it's up to you both to look after them or pay someone else to do so I'm afraid.

Are they retired yet? I've noticed a thing where when teh couple retire, the man of the house is no longer out in the world achieving and he suddenly expects 'the little woman' to be at his beck and call, his 24 hour companion. And they can get quite jealous of the DW's social life, or commitment to DGCs. They want her attention. Not for it to be devoted to DGCs. Could this be it.

I agree with contacting local special schools etc. I used to work on the complex care team (we looked after very poorly children at home so the parents could go out, or go to the shops, or sleep or even just go to the loo, alone, without having to worry about seizures/ventilators etc etc) and a number of our staff (we were all nursery nurses) did Direct Payment work, often with families who had a child with the kind of needs your DD has. Have you applied for direct payments?

It's shit isn't it. It is all very well people saying you are being unreasonable (as you admit) but until you witness it first hand it is very difficult to appreciate the level of 'broken' that parents in your situation reach.

It is my observation that you can get pretty much anything if you are willing to pay the right price. You say people aren't willing to come for a few hours so why not pay them for more/ offer more per hour. I know that doesn't resolve any of the big issues but might just buy you the breather you need.

Please don't think I am making light of the situation it is just that your mum clearly isn't the answer to the problem at this point however much you wish she were.

And have you tried Snap Childcare?

Snapcare

rding your debts, £700 a month is a big chunk to pay. I suggest you speak to Stepchange, about a debt management plan (DMP). Stepchange can help you to get the interest frozen, and negotiate lower monthly payments. This will free up some money, to allow you to offer a higher hourly pay to someone for childcare, or for you to drop hours at work/change your job.

Also, your thoughts about wanting to die in a car crash, is called suicidal ideation, and you need to get help from your GP for that.

That first word should be "Regarding".

I realise we chose to have children, but our lives are utter shit at the moment. We exist, just, that's all

This is a risk you take when you produce children. I can see why your parents are keeping their distance. I wouldn’t want to help under these circumstances.

@Motoko I'm already under my GP, I'm currently signed off work as I just can't cope with anything.

I've done a DMP before when I was a lot younger (I know, I know). My particular mental illness is known for overspending when I'll. I worry that it cause us issues with remortgaging in the future.

This is a risk you take when you produce children. I can see why your parents are keeping their distance. I wouldn’t want to help under these circumstances.

What a nasty thing to say. When most people have children they don’t envisage a life like the OP is describing.