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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Heartbroken over grandchild AIBU

264 replies

lilypoppet · 11/09/2019 14:00

My daughter is pregnant hooray! Or so l thought. But l was in tears today when she told.me if l didn't sort out my arthritis and difficulty walking, she won't let me look after the baby. The dad's mother smoked, drinks and occasionally takes drugs, but because she has signed herself on a course to stop smoking, she will be allowed. This baby, that I was so happy about is potentially going to be in a tug of war if we're not careful. AiBU?

OP posts:

WhatsMyPassword · 11/09/2019 14:02

Are you fit enough to pick up a baby and run after a toddler ?

sillysmiles · 11/09/2019 14:02

How exactly are you meant to sort out your arthritis? Is she using this an an incentive to make you take better care of yourself?

PotteringAlong · 11/09/2019 14:03

Can you physically look after the baby?

And no, it’s not going to become a tug of war unless you turn it into one.

Windydaysuponus · 11/09/2019 14:04

Looking after a dgc isn't all its cracked up to be ime!
You can still be a fab granny without having unsupervised time!
Your dd should not presume you want to imo!
Slight cfery again imo!
Congratulations!

Drogosnextwife · 11/09/2019 14:04

Eh? A tug of war? No the baby is your daughters baby, not yours or the other grans, there should be no tug of war over who gets to look after the baby.

HirplesWithHaggis · 11/09/2019 14:04

What does your dd mean about "sorting out" your mobility problems? Is there medication you could take but don't, are you overweight and losing some would help? If you don't, would you safely be able to care for a small baby growing into a boisterous toddler?

Shoxfordian · 11/09/2019 14:05

Maybe you couldn't physically take care of a baby or a toddler.. you seem super over dramatic

sheshootssheimplores · 11/09/2019 14:05

Surely she just means she won’t let you have sole care of the baby if she’s worried your health might not be up to it? I’m sure you’ll be allowed cuddles on the sofa and visits!

Venger · 11/09/2019 14:05

A tug of war between who? You and the other grandmother? Because it'll only be a tug of war if you make it a tug of war. As difficult as it is, you need to step back and let your daughter get on with it because from the sounds of it she's set in her decision and the more you push back the more she's going to pull away.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/09/2019 14:06

"Tug of war?" PLEASE don't be one of "those" grandmothers.

ScatteredMama82 · 11/09/2019 14:06

I'm sorry you are so upset OP, cognratulations on your soon-to-be grandchild. Realistically, would you be able to look after the baby though? If you have arthritis and difficulty walking, how would you safely lift/carry the little one? What prompted your daughter to say this to you? Was it out of the blue, or did you ask when you would be allowed to look after the baby (maybe when daughter returns to work or a conversation like that?)

I'm sure you can still have a great relationship and help out when your daughter is there too? I'm sorry but you have no right to start a 'tug of war'. The baby is your daughters child. You are entitled to love it and offer help but you don't have a 'claim' on the baby I'm afraid.

LittleLongDog · 11/09/2019 14:06

You don’t need to look after the baby. You’re the grandmother, not the nanny.

There’s literally no tug of war if you don’t tug. Just enjoy being a grandma!

AmIThough · 11/09/2019 14:07

Your daughter is going to do what's best for her child.
If you're not fit and well enough, she's not going to risk the baby's safety.

It's not tug of war.

HappyParent2000 · 11/09/2019 14:07

Give her time, she will soon realise that you taking the child for an hour will be a good idea!

Don’t push it now, the time will come, if you burn bridges there will be some that can’t be rebuilt.

nilcarborundum · 11/09/2019 14:07

Lily, your dd doesn't know what she's talking about! I have chronic arthritis in both knees. Have always walked and tried to keep mobile. However, the left one got really bad and I had s knee replacement. It's gone horribly wrong and I am much more disabled than I was. I can only suggest that you take anti- inflammatories ( i cant ) take supplements such as calcium, magnesium, cod liver oil. This might give you some respite from your symptoms.
Good luck

CuriousaboutSamphire · 11/09/2019 14:07

Maybe she REALLY wants you to be an active part in the baby's life and this is the only way she can get through to you that you have choices to make about your own health ...as did the other granny!

Listen to her... the only reason for this to be awful is if you refuse to take on board any issues you might have that could make it difficult for you to be an active, hands on granny.

Halo1234 · 11/09/2019 14:09

That was mean what your daughter said to you. She should be reassuring you that you will be close to the baby no matter what your health is like. You cant just sort your arthritis out the same way u can just stop smoking. Plus the baby isnt even born yet so why who is and who isnt allowed to watch it is even being discussed. Dont rise to the bait and cause a tug of war. Just calmly say I cant just sort my arthritis out or obviously I would. It's not fun for me to have it.
Change your view point dont think of it as a competition with other granny over the baby. Be happy your grandchild will have an extended family to love him/her. Be pleased other granny is there around and happy to love grandchild dont have it about turns or who is closer. That will make u happier ultimately.

Original poster

lilypoppet · 11/09/2019 14:09

DD is currently living with me, which is great - other option is London, but she's worrying about CO2 levels - but as it's the first grandchild there is pressure from other family to live near them in London. They may settle just outside London. I dont want my grandchild to be a stranger to me.

OP posts:

CassianAndor · 11/09/2019 14:10

Curious do people choose to have arthritis? I didn't know that.

I can understand your hurt, OP. I think you need to have a proper heart-to-heart with your DD.

GlasshouseStoneThrower · 11/09/2019 14:10

There's no tug of war here because you don't have any rights over the baby. Don't try and turn it in to one.

Are you generally mobile / able to pick up children / able to run to a child's aid in an emergency etc? If the answer to those questions is, truthfully, no then I think you need to accept you're probably not in a position to be in sole charge of the baby. It doesn't mean you can't have an amazing relationship or be a fantastic granny. You can still do those things even with someone else around.

If there is something you could do to improve your arthritis then it might be worth a try (but I appreciate I don't know your circumstances and you may not have obvious options in this regard).

Peterpiperpickedwrongagain · 11/09/2019 14:10

didn't sort out my arthritis and difficulty walking

How? I have arthritis and there is no sorting it. If she has some magic cure do let me know.

CassianAndor · 11/09/2019 14:10

hang on - she's pregnant but not living with the father? Or do they both live with you? Is she very young?

gamerchick · 11/09/2019 14:12

OP, just nod along and ignore it. She's going to be full of herself and will see parenthood eventually is nothing like the picture in her head. It's really not worth getting into battle over it.

fiorentina · 11/09/2019 14:13

Having parents who are competitive with in laws is very draining so please don’t be like that.

Perhaps your daughter is trying to give you a wake up call, are you physically fit enough to look after a baby and toddler if that’s what you want? However I’m unclear if this is something you can really change or your illness prevents it. My MIL isn’t fit enough to run around after children unfortunately so it’s just not been safe to leave them with her, even though that’s what she’d have liked.

Enjoy your grandchild.

NotStayingIn · 11/09/2019 14:15

She seems to think that its something within your control. Are you very overweight? Is that what she is really referring to?

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