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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Heartbroken over grandchild AIBU

264 replies

lilypoppet · 11/09/2019 14:00

My daughter is pregnant hooray! Or so l thought. But l was in tears today when she told.me if l didn't sort out my arthritis and difficulty walking, she won't let me look after the baby. The dad's mother smoked, drinks and occasionally takes drugs, but because she has signed herself on a course to stop smoking, she will be allowed. This baby, that I was so happy about is potentially going to be in a tug of war if we're not careful. AiBU?

OP posts:
Embracelife · 11/09/2019 14:15

Eh?
There is nothing that said she wont visit with the baby
A lot of grand parents dont have sole charge but the grandchild visits with other family. So you can know the baby that way.

SnuggyBuggy · 11/09/2019 14:18

Does she have safety concerns like you might not be able to hold the baby?

thecatsthecats · 11/09/2019 14:19

Am I right in assuming that this only came up as OP stated that they assumed that they'd have sole care of the baby?

It neither unusual for grandparents to have sole care, or not, or one set have it but the other not.

Most important of all, it's not a competition.

Redglitter · 11/09/2019 14:19

I think being 'heartbroken' over this is an over reaction. You dont need to have exclusive time with the baby to be a great granny & have a close relationship. If your daughter continues living with you you'll see a hell of a lot more of it than other family members

NotStayingIn · 11/09/2019 14:19

I should have said, regardless she sounds a bit of a pain. In that typical new mom OTT way. But then you also sound a bit like you are slightly overreacting thinking already now it's going to be a tug of war. Don't start worrying about lots of negatives that may not even happen. Flowers

Lunafortheloveogod · 11/09/2019 14:19

One of mine doesn’t get left completely alone with ds as she has some undiagnosed health issues that causes her to be crippled in agony for hours.. these spells come on totally randomly and she still insists on driving. Baby isn’t capable of much so obviously if she can barely move how would she cope. This has also finally made her move her arse for treatment, which she desperately needs as there’s no way she could continue like this. Obviously if she has someone else with her she’s fine to help us out but I’d never forgive myself if anything went wrong.

How limiting is your mobility/arthritis.. are there times you can’t manage basic tasks?
It’s not a contest with the other gran either, assuming she won’t be drunk or using (and I’m assuming it’s not hardcore drugs) with dc present.

misspiggy19 · 11/09/2019 14:19

But l was in tears today when she told.me if l didn't sort out my arthritis and difficulty walking, she won't let me look after the baby.

^Oh yeah because that is something that can be sorted like stopping smoking Hmm. Your daughter is being insensitive, ignorant and quite frankly ridiculous.

LagunaBubbles · 11/09/2019 14:19

I'm another one that didn't realise that you could choose to have arthritis or not. Hmm

Gazelda · 11/09/2019 14:20

I can understand your hurt.
But I think that maybe everyone is getting ahead of themselves.
Surely the first priority is establishing a stable home for the baby and let the mum build her confidence as a parent.

Topseyt · 11/09/2019 14:21

Are you meant to take medication for your arthritis and don't take it? Is there something doctors have advised you or told you to do and you have not complied so far? Otherwise I am struggling to understand what she means by "sort out your arthritis" to be honest.

She might be worried about how physically able you will be to look after the baby and has phrased it very tactlessly.

However, you referring to "tug of war" is also tactless and crass so I hope you haven't actually uttered this to her. There is no tug of war. Neither set of grandparents has rights over the baby. It is your daughter's baby.

Bouffalant · 11/09/2019 14:25

Are you fit enough to lift a baby/run after a toddler?

It's probably a safety issue. If she thinks you might not be physically safe to look after the baby then fair enough.

What care is she talking about? Presumably she and her partner will be mostly caring for it? Does she mean she wouldn't want you to babysit?

MouseInATelescope · 11/09/2019 14:26

I think you all need lessons in how to be nice to each other before this baby is born. What an insensitive comment for her to make to you. And the way you speak about the other Grandmother is awful too. And "tug of war".... the poor baby is not a rope. Christ.

summersherewishiwasnt · 11/09/2019 14:27

Your dd sounds spiteful.
Step back, you don’t need to compete for love, just be yourself.

Freddiefox · 11/09/2019 14:27

. This baby, that I was so happy about is potentially going to be in a tug of war if we're not careful. AiBU?

Yes very, can’t a baby have two grandparents who love them? She already live with you so you have the upper hand.

I think you need to take a seriously look at your behaviour

JaniceBattersby · 11/09/2019 14:27

If eel there is a lot more to this story than we’re being told here.

GPatz · 11/09/2019 14:29

Sounds like you are only interested in making sure the Father's side of the family doesn't get more baby time than you.

diddl · 11/09/2019 14:30

So does not looking after the baby mean that you'll never see it?

MamaGee09 · 11/09/2019 14:30

You can till be a good granny without having the child all to yourself. My mil is a good granny however we’ve rarely left ours unsupervised there. They smoked and I wasn’t happy leaving my child there and also had a dog that snarled and bit so no child of mine was staying unsupervised and dh agreed.

Deelish75 · 11/09/2019 14:32

Will your arthritis and mobility issues make it difficult to actually look after/run around after a baby/toddler?
You say the other grandmother is going to do a stopping smoking course, isn't that a good thing?
I don't understand the tug of love thing, why does it need to be tug of love?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/09/2019 14:33

Sorry OP but your daughter sounds horrible. If my mum had arthritis I'd be looking at ways to make it possible for her to look after/have time with my baby, not make these frankly awful conditions.

You don't treat family like that, you just don't. What the hell are you supposed to do if you have a worsening health condition? Give up any notion of ever seeing your grandchild. She's pathetic and I hope, when you feel a bit stronger, you will tell her that you are not to be treated so cavalierly.

PickAChew · 11/09/2019 14:34

Are you one wanting to be of those grandmothers who insists on having a tiny baby for sleepovers?

dollydaydream114 · 11/09/2019 14:34

Clearly there is more to this story than you are suggesting.

Firstly - yes, obviously, you can't just 'sort out' arthritis but equally, if you have mobility issues that would pose a problem for you looking after a baby or toddler.

Secondly - the fact that you won't be 'looking after' the baby doesn't mean you won't have a relationship with your grandchild. I never spent a day in the sole care of any of my grandparents until I was about 10 because I had much older siblings who could babysit me. That doesn't mean I didn't have a great relationship with them.

Thirdly - it doesn't matter that the child's other grandmother drinks and 'occasionally takes drugs' if she isn't going to be doing that in the company of the baby and is going to give up smoking.

Fourthly - you also seem to be annoyed in your update that your daughter might be moving near to London? Presumably you don't live in London yourself? Well, I'm afraid you don't get to choose where your children live and bring up their own kids. It's 2019. People have family all over the country and all over other countries and don't necessarily live five minutes from their families any more. Not everyone can live near all four of their child's grandparents.

Just be happy for your pregnant daughter and stop being so possessive over a child that hasn't been born yet. Talking about a 'tug of war' is ridiculous. There will be no 'tug of war' because nobody has any right to fight over someone else's baby.

AJPTaylor · 11/09/2019 14:34

My dpil could not look after my kids until they were old enough to look after themselves. A combination of deafness and mobility issues. They were very much loved grandparents.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/09/2019 14:34

... and let her source and pay for childcare. You're not a paid helper, you're to be a grandmother.

I feel so sorry for you. Thanks

inwood · 11/09/2019 14:35

How do you control arthritis?

Are you physically able to look after a baby?

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