Heartbroken over grandchild AIBU

[lilypoppet]

My daughter is pregnant hooray! Or so l thought. But l was in tears today when she told.me if l didn't sort out my arthritis and difficulty walking, she won't let me look after the baby. The dad's mother smoked, drinks and occasionally takes drugs, but because she has signed herself on a course to stop smoking, she will be allowed. This baby, that I was so happy about is potentially going to be in a tug of war if we're not careful. AiBU?

OP, if there's a drip feed to this, can you just drip it, please?

I think your daughter is being one of those precious FTM. She'll soon get over herself. Don't have the mentality that its you vs the other set of grandparents - that way unhappiness and pettiness lies.

Can we assume there is some factor to your mobility issues that you can control and improve on? Are you overweight for example?

Can you actually physically take care of a baby with your arthritis and limited mobility?

She’s going to want help when baby arrives, I’d just smile and nod and let her get on with it.

Why do so many grandmothers on here want their children’s babies to themselves?

If my dc have children I’ll happily babysit should it be required but the thought of having their newborns ‘all to myself’ fills me with horror. I’ll be around if they need. But have no desire whatsoever to have their bawling newborns overnight by myself. I intend to have the fun parts, fill them with sugar and hand them back to their parents.

My parents live 200 miles away but are not strangers to my kids! They have a great relationship.

Do you mean ‘look after’ the baby, as in childcare, or just having time with the baby?

If it’s the first then your daughter should be sourcing proper care not dangling this over you; if it’s the second then she is spiteful as hell to say you won’t be allowed to hold the baby.

So she lives with you and is basically saying if you can't fix your arthritis she's moving away?

There has got to be more to this surely?

The London thing makes me wonder if you are maybe being a little overwhelming about your relationship with this grandchild and this is her way of trying to get you to back off a bit.

Are you expecting to look after the baby as childcare? Is this something you want? Why is she telling you to sort something you can't control? Really baffled. Yes she may need help, but she doesn't get to make demands of you to get it. She's being quite rude and self centered IMO. YANBU.

Urgh are you going to be one of "those" grandmothers, confused over who actually had the baby? My mil suffered from this, she seemed to think our first child was her 4th child.

Calm down a bit. We've lived in the ME since ds was 6 weeks old, he's far from a stranger to his grandparents!

Is there anything you could be doing to help your arthritis that you're not currently doing?

Curious do people choose to have arthritis? I didn't know that. Huh? Don't think I said that! Don't be so defensive and read my post again....

... I suggested that OP may have some choices to make, choices about being more proactive with her medical condition. I don't know, nor do you! OP does! She says she has mobility issues, maybe her DD is aware that OP could reduce these, if she chose to do something different!

EIther way OP needs to listen to her DD and see if there is anything she can do... or to have a discussion with her about realistic expectations!

Which is why I said might and other words indicating possibilites, rather than posting anything absolute!

Pshaw!

The only cure I have found for arthritis is move to southern Spain.

There I can run and jump and run up stairs pain free

My DM is in your position but a bit worse health wise, we live closest to my DPs but there is little support which means we can have an hour or two break during the day but it has to be a good day so can't plan ahead (which has only ever happened maybe 4 times in DC's life). We have no emergency childcare. That isn't anyone else's problem, I chose to have my DC but my ILs are miles and miles away and able to assist daily with looking after our DNs. DM was never able to run after crawling baby, lift DC past about 8 months, bend to change nappies, etc. It's an ability thing but perhaps also safety thing.

However, that being said, I take my DC to see my DM often and they have a great relationship. Now DC is a toddler who understands and can speak, my DM can deal with it better, colouring together, playing, watching TV, cooking sometimes. It changes a bit when they get older.

Your daughter may have to/want to go where there is more support when her baby comes, it depends on lifestyle. However, it's her decision to make. Don't make it a tug of war and hopefully it's just your daughter saying she's concerned about you babysitting and that's all.

Are you doing all you can for your health issues? For example, could you get physio or medication but refuse to?

So will your daughter be wanting free childcare & if you can't manage she'll move away from you & near to MIL so that MIL can provide childcare?

Ignore her.. when baby arrives she’d let the village drunk take care of it for the sake of five minutes peace 🤷‍♀️

Curious err, no you didn't.

this is the only way she can get through to you that you have choices to make about your own health ...as did the other granny!

no may, no might.

You're 'heartbroken' and expecting a 'tug of war'. Perhaps your sense of entitlement and dramatic tendencies are playing into your DD's reluctance.
You should respect your DD's wishes and be supportive. She shouldn't need to tell you that your mobility might impact on your ability to look after a DC. You must be aware of your own limitations. It's not a criticism and it doesn't mean you won't have a relationship with the DC.It's also not a competition with the other gran.
fwiw neither of my DC's GMs' were fit enough to look after them. They still have a close relationship.

I have problems with my hands and mobility issues and I’ve raised 4 kids. I just worked out ways of managing and I had my gang well trained by their toddler days. No one ever got hurt because of my disability, in fact I was probably more vigilant and hazard aware than most mums.

Your daughter is being a bit of a bitch, sounds like she is relishing the power that she perceives having a child will give her. Best way to deal with that is not to rise to it; I’m sure your arthritis will miraculously cease to be a barrier to you helping her when she’s an exhausted young mum who’s been up half the night.

Cassian well chopped! Try the whole sentence / paragraph!

I am fully aware of what I typed and what I was thinking as I did so!

She seems worried about many things beyond her control. Keep an eye on her. Either it will demean overzealous worry or could tip the other way toward ocd.

What did she actually say, OP? I doubt she put it like that!

Did she just say you'll not have the baby alone because she's worried that your chronic health condition might put the baby at risk? Because that's not mean or spiteful, it's practical and makes absolute sense, even though it's undoubtedly upsetting to hear. You don't have the right to alone time with your grandchild, even if you really want it. The child's best interests must come first, especially their safety.

My mum should take naproxen to ease the pain of her arthritis but won't because she is worried about the side effects.

But the dr would give her omeprazole to protect her stomach from the naproxen & she won't take that either!! Aargh!

I've tried blackmail to get her to take it as I can't bear to see her in pain & struggling to walk. She won't even take regular paracetamol!

Is yours a similar situation to my mum's maybe & your DD is trying blackmail??

Or is your DD just being really overprotective of her future baby. (She won't be when she wants a babysitter)...

My parents have never babysat dd. They still have a relationship with her. We just have family gatherings instead of using them for child care.

Where did OP say she wants the baby 'all to herself'? I can't see that. I saw the tug of war comment and perceived that to be due to geography of baby to grandparents.