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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Heartbroken over grandchild AIBU

264 replies

lilypoppet · 11/09/2019 14:00

My daughter is pregnant hooray! Or so l thought. But l was in tears today when she told.me if l didn't sort out my arthritis and difficulty walking, she won't let me look after the baby. The dad's mother smoked, drinks and occasionally takes drugs, but because she has signed herself on a course to stop smoking, she will be allowed. This baby, that I was so happy about is potentially going to be in a tug of war if we're not careful. AiBU?

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 11/09/2019 15:41

There is no way to say this tactfully, but the level of control your DD is attempting to exert with a baby that hasn't been born yet is unusual, demanding that the grandparents improve their health to her standards (which may not be possible in your case). Does she have existing mental health issues?

CandyLeBonBon · 11/09/2019 15:45

There must be more to this op? This doesn't make sense!

CandyLeBonBon · 11/09/2019 15:46

I'm wondering if this is a modern remake of the 'Caucasian chalk circle'

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/09/2019 15:49

My dad and SM have a lovely relationship with DD @AmICrazyorWhat2 and we see often, having them here and going to visit them. As I’d suspected before she was born, they’re be grandparents who like cuddles but don’t like being dribbled on and would never offer to change a nappy. Works fine as I’m delighted they want to dote on her and I’m happy doing nappies! But they’re not going to babysit her. I don’t need help and they don’t know her well enough and don’t try to get to know what she’s like and what she needs when they see her so it’s not as though they’d step up if I did ask them to have her for an afternoon - I don’t think either of them has ever changed a nappy so they’re unlikely to start now and they don’t know what to do if she’s doing anything other than grinning and gurgling. My dad also smokes and has lit up in front of me when I was holding her so god knows what they’d do if I wasn’t there. I love them both and cherish their contact with her but I don’t trust them with my (precious first born) child. I suppose I could risk it if I was desperate but I have friends who are amazing parents who I’d ask first.

SnuggyBuggy · 11/09/2019 15:50

Ops not coming back is she

Bellendejour · 11/09/2019 15:51

I think the best idea is to just be supportive of your daughter and avoid falling into the trap of being possessive of her baby.

Personally I would be more worried about an occasional drug taking only just ex smoker looking after my baby but maybe that’s just me!

There is a chance your DD will change her mind once the baby is born - during pregnancy I thought I would be keen for ILs (who live much nearer) to look after baby. Once she was here my maternal instincts kicked in hard just as MIL revealed herself to be overbearing, unwanted advice dispensing, taking baby from you for ages into other rooms, shooting off miles ahead with the buggy type possessive nightmare. So no babysitting for them until that all calms down!

My mum lives far away but has been completely relaxed about the whole thing and respectful of me as mum so she has babysat a couple of times and we will be going on holiday with them. So although they see less of DD week to week they get longer stints and more babysitting.

I don’t think your DD has been very nice re your arthritis but is there anything you can do to improve it? If you can I would do this and just try to relax about the rest of it.

Kayjay2018 · 11/09/2019 15:53

@lilypoppet I've recently found I'm expecting again at the age of 38. I had my son at 22 so both me and my mum were a lot younger when he arrived.

Back then she offered and chose to help with childcare and had him 2 days a week whilst I worked full time and he went to nursery the other days. Her health was a lot better then than now (she has lupus - which she always did and now has knee problems and some arthritis in her hands). even then when my son was small, and she was in her 50s, she found him as a baby and then toddler a real handful. She used to dedicate her day to him - no house work etc.

Roll forward 16 years and I know as much as she would love to have future grandchildren to stay (and I would love it too) she actually would really struggle. My dad is now retired so could help with somethings the lifting and some chasing around - he's not a nappy and burping kind of grandad though. She finds my 15 year old tiring and he really doesn't need much!

Looking at it from her viewpoint, she may be trying to protect you from hurting yourself or making your condition worse and her baby from being in a situation where you are unable to provide the level of care for the child you would want to (you obviously love this little one before it's even here), I'm sure you would hate for anything bad to happen.

if there is anything extra that can be recommended that you can try to ease your symptoms then look into it and see if they ease things - anything is worth a try (even without a grandchild on the way). Congratulations on becoming a grandparent, neither of you will really now the art of the possible until the little one arrives so I'd relax, don't put pressure on her and speak to your gp. All the best!

MildThing · 11/09/2019 15:53

"This baby, that I was so happy about is potentially going to be in a tug of war if we're not careful."

So be careful!

Why is everyone already upping the ante about who will look after the child when she has only just announced her pregnancy?

My Mum lives 3 hours away, none of our relatives ever looked after my Dc except babysitting, and all have a close relationship. None are 'strangers'.

Support your Dd, celebrate, don't start being demanding about how much tome you spend - read the many threads on MN where GMs cause problems by insisting on 'alone time' with their grandchildren.

tillytrotter1 · 11/09/2019 15:55

Harsh of her, hopefully your arthritis will make it impossible to put your hand in your pocket for prams, cots etc.

TimeForNewStart · 11/09/2019 16:00

She’s clearly hoping this will be the final motivation you need to loose weight.

rollNsausage · 11/09/2019 16:02

how can you sort out your arthritis?

Does she mean you have physical problems brought on by poor health or poor diet? Are you over weight which puts pressure on your joints?

baubled · 11/09/2019 16:11

It's understandable that you feel put out BUT the bottom line is what is best for the baby, not you, not the other grandparents and not even the parents. If you struggle to walk then unfortunately it would be a struggle for you to look after a baby/toddler unsupervised wouldn't it?

Be careful turning this is in to a fight, one of my family members did similar and it turned in to a massive thing with pretty much NC, things have taken a long time to get back on track!

Sunshine93 · 11/09/2019 16:12

I know others have said this but the only thing I can think is that your daughter thinks it's your lifestyle choices that are causing your mobility issues. Are you overweight?

LaserShark · 11/09/2019 16:23

When I was expecting my first, my dad assumed he would do all of our childcare as he was retired. He expected we would drive the baby to a different city to drop off with him and pick up after work (45min drive each way). He has a number of significant health problems including severe visual impairment. It was not in any way a practical or safe plan.

It was difficult as he was heartbroken to ‘not be trusted’ and kept saying he had brought up his own children - 30 years earlier and in much better health!

We weren’t spiteful to refuse; we were looking out for him and the baby. Eventually, long after the baby arrived, he conceded that he wasn’t actually physically capable of providing sole care after all. Thank goodness for all of us that we didn’t let him try.

Original poster
lilypoppet · 11/09/2019 16:26

Soffy l haven't posted, l work fulltime and am on my break. I am not obese! I am a size 14-16 atm and am at weightwatchers to lose a little more to help with my hip issues. I am only 56. DD is living with me to save money and her husband is here when he can be, but he works away. Sorry if l am not making much sense but there is a lot to this story!

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 11/09/2019 16:27

Why on earth would you be looking after the baby? Surely your dd will be looking after her own child. And if she goes back to work she will surely source appropriate childcare and not expect that you are available to mind her child. You've reared your kids, her child will be her responsibility. If you mean the odd stint of babysitting while she goes out for a night then you might manage if baby is put to bed before she leaves. Even if she moves nearer the dad's family I'm sure she will visit you and you will get to spend time with your dd and the baby.

Stompythedinosaur · 11/09/2019 16:30

I think she has things the wrong way round - parents should be grateful to gps for help, not "allowing" them to help like it is some sort of privilege to be bestowed.

If your physical health doesn't allow you to take cart of a baby solo then you can still have a relationship with them.

Wtfdoipick · 11/09/2019 16:34

Stompythedinosaur it can go either way, some gps want the child to themselves and sometimes the parents want the help. I'm not sure which way round it is in this case.

Cheeseandwin5 · 11/09/2019 16:35

Maybe its your daughters way of trying to get you too look after yourself. It seems that your DD MIL appeased her by just joining a course. Maybe if you showed willing it may do the same.
Either way if you can improve your health than its a win win situation

Original poster
lilypoppet · 11/09/2019 16:37

I,m not saying l'd look after the baby alone. My idea was to pop over and do housework while she breastfed, which is what l would have loved my own mother to do in those first really busy months.

OP posts:
Kayjay2018 · 11/09/2019 16:42

@lilypoppet that sounds like a lovely offer to make.

When I had my son I was very headstrong and thought any offer of help was because people thought I couldn't cope (just me being naive and young I suppose). This time round if anyone offers I will bite their arm off. Maybe just sow the seed every now and again and make sure she knows the offer of help is there should she need it 😀

Bibidy · 11/09/2019 16:42

@lilypoppet I'm sure she probably would love that. Also that's more just visiting than 'looking after the baby'!

I don't think you can take what she's said now when she's newly pregnant as a hard-and-fast declaration on how things will be when the baby comes.

Try and enjoy her pregnancy and look forward to your new grandchild - don't worry about all this yet!

Confusedbeetle · 11/09/2019 16:44

Have fun with your grand child, see him or her often, babysit and do all the nice bits. The child minding is not all its cracked up to be I can tell you. You have had a lucky escape

SunshineCake · 11/09/2019 16:45

Seems like your dd is getting pressure from both sides. Them to move and you to let you have the baby. I'd stay quiet and be supportive and maybe she'll see what is best for herself and her baby.

Original poster
lilypoppet · 11/09/2019 16:46

Thank you for your kind messages and advice.

OP posts: