Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Heartbroken over grandchild AIBU

264 replies

lilypoppet · 11/09/2019 14:00

My daughter is pregnant hooray! Or so l thought. But l was in tears today when she told.me if l didn't sort out my arthritis and difficulty walking, she won't let me look after the baby. The dad's mother smoked, drinks and occasionally takes drugs, but because she has signed herself on a course to stop smoking, she will be allowed. This baby, that I was so happy about is potentially going to be in a tug of war if we're not careful. AiBU?

OP posts:
GinPin2 · 12/09/2019 20:57

Eva2020, well said, completely agree

twinklenicci · 12/09/2019 21:04

As a Mum who has suffered severely with rheumatoid arthritis since age 22, Im now 40 and have 3 children aged 20 ,19 and 6 !
There have been times i've cried because i couldn't pick my children up , couldn't change their nappies. Couldn't take them to Mums and Tots group or baby weighing because i couldn't get on the floor to sit and play .
Depending on what sort of arthritis you have and how it affects you, how is she wanting you to 'sort it out' ?!?!

Juog · 12/09/2019 21:12

Omg some people on here are so nasty.

NeedsAGreenCardForFantasyLand · 12/09/2019 21:15

No matter where you live in regards to your grandchild, you can have a relationship if you put in the time and effort. I grew up in the US and literally all of my relatives are in Germany. I only spoke English at home with my parents, I had to learn German at school. Even though I couldn't understand my grandparents, I certainly knew and understood that they loved me and spend time with me despite the language barrier. Now I live in Germany and my mother is in the US. My kids talk on the phone with her whenever they can, they use WhatsApp to have video calls. And we visit each other twice a year (we fly in the summer, she comes when it's convenient). Talk with your daughter and then just show up when she asks!

Attitude84 · 12/09/2019 21:18

That’s just fucking rude.

How can you sort an incurable condition?
It can be controlled but not cured and your daughter is bang out of order.

Just tell her you’ll be happy to see baby when she brings them to visit.

However, I’m pretty sure that not everyone will be able to babysit when she needs and will come running to you anyway.

Stand up for yourself and put her straight.

TakeNoSHt · 12/09/2019 21:49

If only you could sort out chronic painful conditions with a magic pill. You may drop things and not be fully mobile but you are not going to put little one in any danger. Your daughter may see you at your worst and worry that you won’t be able to cope. But has she seen mil off her face and what she’s like the next day? I have mobility illnesses and painful conditions that are never going to get better. But even if i end up in a wheelchair i have made it clear that once i am a granny i do want to help out with childcare and every day things. Explain that you do not want to miss out and hopefully it won’t be a big issue

Motherofatruck · 12/09/2019 22:18

My advice would be to try not to worry too much about what 'might' happen when the baby arrives. I'm getting a sense that your mostly concerned about your daughter moving away? Apologies if you've already said, but if she lived in (or near) London would you be able to get there to visit? You will naturally form a relationship with your grandchild regardless of how often you see them. My son sees one of his grandparents more than the other due to where they live, but he still loves all of them equally Smile

SummerBreezemakesmefeelfine · 12/09/2019 22:54

I am just 60 and had a hip replacement 3 months ago in an attempt to "sort my arthritis out". Although getting better all the time, looking after an active toddler would be too much, although a small baby might be easily manageable.

We had our children in our twenties and their GPs were fit and well at that time, so able to help out. They were never expected to do full days of childcare though.

Our own children are now in their thirties and still planning to delay having children as long as possible. This is entirely their own choice, but sadly it is unlikely I will be the involved GP my own DM was when our kids were young.

Ferret27 · 13/09/2019 01:18

B

Lincolnfield · 13/09/2019 05:50

YouJustDoYou

@Lincolnfield, actually, you sound pretty great to me. Loads of activities and days out with them, they get special time with you - you sound like a good gparent to me.

Ahh! Thank you! Joking aside, we have some brilliant times with our grandkids. On the Saturdays when we have them, we do lots of stuff, like gardening with the little ones, baking with the bigger ones and we go out all over the place.

We've been to the wildlife park. We go to the seaside and stuff ourselves with waffles- things their mums don't usually let them have! 😂😂

We've gone swimming, kayaking, dancing (in a fashion!) and 'Go Ape.' And it's nearly killed me! BUT I have them on MY terms and, as I said, after tea then we take them home.

I do get tired and see no point in just having them here because their mums are at work when I'm frazzled, they're fed up and the older ones would much rather be with their friends.

Oh - and I'm not super fit either. I've had a hip replacement and breast cancer and could do with losing a stone or three but my philosophy is - just do it!

PeppyPiggy · 13/09/2019 06:50

She might just be hormonal? I said weird stuff to people when I was pregnant too. If it’s any consolation my mum has arthritis and is fine with my DD. Is it rheumatoid?

shearwater · 13/09/2019 07:00

I would tentatively suggest (and I obviously don't know the situation at all) that the OP's daughter thinks perhaps that the OP should take better care of herself, see a GP manage her condition as well as possible, which she may or may not be doing at the moment, but I do know that people can often be their own worst enemy when it comes to their health.

homeishere · 13/09/2019 07:04

Sounds like your rude and ungrateful daughter needs to find somewhere else to live

PolarBearkshire · 13/09/2019 07:19

Sounds overdramatic and some attention seeking? What “tug of war” ? If your arthritis prevents you to carry things? Open things? If you complain about it a lot? If there are things you can do about it- its perfectly normal your daughter wants you to finally do everything is there to be done about your health!
Stop comparing and pountscoring with the other grandma to be .
Grandchild is NOT your child, you already had your go. So, if you want to be a supportive mother to your daughter - do everything you can to ease her pregnancy and support her rather than already plan some sort of privileged status of a grandma.. grandparents are only good if they support the parents not try to twist and turn the child to get own show time.
But use this as a push to improve your health as children are indeed a hard physical work IF really wanting to get down on knees and play etc

Sayhellotothethings · 13/09/2019 08:17

Your OP implies different concerns to your updates. Very different.

If it is actually cleaning you want to do and not take care if the baby, perhaps she is worried that too much pressure on yourself physically will hurt you. But cleaning isn't taking care of the baby.

I just wanted to offer my POV on this 'tug of war'. Bear in mind how hormonal you are during and after pregnancy. When I was pregnant my MIL made some comments to suggest a tug of war like situation that made me anxious. I didn't want anyone to keep tabs on who saw my baby when.
I spend a lot of time with my DM and since having my baby she has come round to help with housework, as you said to intend to. Of course whilst doing this, she gets to see her GC.
I do not spend half as much time with my MIL and I really feel that she might be expecting to be able to look after the baby a lot as she has done for a previous GC. But this would be unsupervised care she is hoping for - my DM has done this a couple of times for us because she spends so much time with our baby but MIL does not. So I feel like I can't even mention it to MIL without starting some sort of war! Please don't put pressure on your DD and turn it in to a DP/IL competition which is what I feel like I am stuck in.

jillybeanclevertips · 13/09/2019 08:36

daughter sounds very controlling, you can only be who you are, offer, and stand back. I hope things can be worked out to make everyone feel loved and appreciated.

wattytanker · 13/09/2019 10:15

My ILs don't look after DD because MIL is in a wheelchair and FIL is her carer so they are just not able to. DD absolutely adores them, FIL in particular is her biggest love. My DM lives abroad yet DD has a strong bond with her.

Love and commitment can be shown in a multitude of ways. Children feel the love instinctively, it's not about quantity but quality.

They also feel the drama (which is very present in your OP). The issue here is that you feel hard done by or in some sort of competition with the other GM already so it would be good to look at that first and build bridges.

Gbtch · 13/09/2019 10:16

Just wait till she wants a night out or a rest or a bit of adult time. She will soon be after you to help out.

LovePoppy · 13/09/2019 20:52

Just wait till she wants a night out or a rest or a bit of adult time. She will soon be after you to help out.

This is possibly untrue and more than a little disingenuous. Not everyone “wants a night out”, and not everyone who does calls family. If she has real concerns, she might call a childminder. I did when I felt asking for help would be held over my head, or seen as a sign that I “finally saw the error of my ways and calmed down”.

Boubella · 14/09/2019 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GinPin2 · 14/09/2019 19:21

I wish there was the chance to show thumbs up or thumbs down against some of these responses. Some are so unkind :( and some are really trying to be helpful :) .

Original poster
lilypoppet · 15/09/2019 10:45

Thanks for those trying to be helpful. I have had a little think and decided to back off for a bit. I am working on my health issues, but not because of what DD said. I did all my exercises this morning and filled out my Weight Watchers diary. I have already lost two pounds. I should be fit and healthy by nine months time. Then we'll see what happens. I am not going to tie myself up in knots over it.

OP posts:
LovePoppy · 15/09/2019 12:46

Good for you @lilypoppet

Tippety · 15/09/2019 13:47

Sounds like an amazing start @lilypoppet, wishing you luck in your journey x

vickylou78 · 15/09/2019 15:05

I would try not to worry! I would've thought your daughter meant you wouldn't 'need' to look after the baby on regular basis while she's gone back to work? I know that some grandparents are able to offer care several days a week but I know that I didn't want my mum to do it because a) it would really be tiring for her as she's 66, and b) because it's good for kids to be learning to socialise at nursery or childminder.

But both my kids have a fab time with both grandma's, they visit us and we visit them and play and the kids get filled full of biscuits!, they look after them for a few hours when it's convenient and the odd night at our house on a rare night out. Is perfect. You don't need to have solo cars if them to have a good relationship with them. Just enjoy it!

Swipe left for the next trending thread