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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Heartbroken over grandchild AIBU

264 replies

lilypoppet · 11/09/2019 14:00

My daughter is pregnant hooray! Or so l thought. But l was in tears today when she told.me if l didn't sort out my arthritis and difficulty walking, she won't let me look after the baby. The dad's mother smoked, drinks and occasionally takes drugs, but because she has signed herself on a course to stop smoking, she will be allowed. This baby, that I was so happy about is potentially going to be in a tug of war if we're not careful. AiBU?

OP posts:
diddl · 11/09/2019 16:46

So if you're not intending to look after the baby then what's the issue?

Offer the help that you can give & it'll be accepted or not (I would have hated it), & if not, just visit when she wants!

Hannah021 · 11/09/2019 16:46

@lilypoppet don't worry, from the sound of it, she wants you to take care of yourself, maybe she doesn't think you are... as for the baby, i think because he's your first, you're getting emotional, but reality is, she'll need a break time and she'll beg you to help with that!! Esp when she's sleep deprived!

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/09/2019 16:47

My idea was to pop over and do housework while she breastfed

Do you mean you said that to her and she said you’re not fit and well enough to do housework? That’s a completely different picture to the one you originally painted and I’ll admit to being confused.

Paintedmaypole · 11/09/2019 16:48

I would try to calm down a bit. Don't get into a competition with the other grandparents, children need as many good relationships as they can get, there is room for you all. There is a limited amount you can do about your arthritis, it can't be compared to stopping smoking, so your daughter is being unreasonable. I wouldn't respond and argue with her though. Just wait until the baby is here and be thrilled and kind. Offer help in a low key way but don't be pushy, for the first few months the baby will mainly need the parents so focus on supporting your daughter. The person who wrote you have had your day is very unkind. You aren't the parent but a caring grandma is a great relationship to have and at 58 you have a lot still to enjoy in your own life.

Kuponut · 11/09/2019 16:49

I did broach my mum's arthritis once with regards to looking after my kids (her mobility declined after they'd gone past the toddler death-seeking-missile phase and were into the "staying vaguely where requested to" era) but it was in terms of me being concerned she was physically struggling so much with day-to-day life that I was concerned that having my kids to stay was adding too much to things and she really needed to get herself back on the knee replacement list she was considering whether or not to go for... entirely her choice and I was fine with her having my kids to stay with her as long as she wanted them to do so.

IncrediblySadToo · 11/09/2019 16:54

So can all of the ‘lose weight/you must be obese’ people just fuck odd and stop the fat bashing now?

What’s your DD’s actual problem?! It makes no sense from the outside.

Shmithecat2 · 11/09/2019 16:55

@lilypoppet

My idea was to pop over and do housework while she breastfed

Well, that's lovely! My dm did that for me when I first had ds. It was so much appreciated. Flowers

Confusedbeetle · 11/09/2019 16:56

When I saw the title of heartbreak I assumed you would be denied ever seeing this child

Hederex · 11/09/2019 16:57

So was your DD actually saying you wouldn't be able to do that housework because of your health issues???

OxeyeDaisy · 11/09/2019 16:58

@lilypoppet if your daughter is anything like me. I have tried to use the much wanted grandchild as an incentive for both of our parents to look after themselves better and ‘slow down’ a bit. As a first timer we know it’s going to be hard at times and want all of our parents there for support and to be there for years to come to enjoy their grandchild.

SunshineAngel · 11/09/2019 17:01

It is absolutely not a tug of war. The baby is your daughter's, and it's understandable that she wants people who are fit and healthy to take care of the baby. If she's a first time mum, it's understandable that she may be getting a little worried and over concerned, and she might even change her mind once the baby is here. I know some friends who couldn't leave their child with ANYONE for a while.

I'm sure she isn't saying that you can't see the baby, just that you won't be able to babysit alone - which is understandable if you struggle with your own health. But you can definitely still build a relationship.

It sounds to me as though there is something that you could do to improve your health, or she wouldn't have said it as an option. So if that's the case, is there any reason you're not addressing it? It would benefit everyone involved, and if you're so desperate to be a part of your grandchild's life (which anyone would be!) why not give it your all to make sure you will see him/her growing up?

SarahSinclair · 11/09/2019 17:05

My daughter is pregnant hooray! Or so l thought

Is she or not??

Bouffalant · 11/09/2019 17:08

Why can't you go round and help out with housework while she breastfeeds?

I thought the post was about not being able to babysit or something, and that's a very long way off.

IdiotInDisguise · 11/09/2019 17:09

Considering the rent prices in London and the CO2 levels apparently important to your DD and the fact her husband travels so much I bet you will be helping your DD all the time that you are at home (your home). I can’t see why it would be better to move to London if she doesn’t already have a job there, everything is more expensive even if the other grandmother is offering to babysit.

fluffyjumper · 11/09/2019 17:10

Firstly dont worry about the rules set out now by future first time parents. I swore my dd would not watch tv as a baby and would never play a tablet in public. I laugh at how I imagined my perfect parenting skills to be. In reality I'm much more chilled out.

Secondly you are trying to lose weight so that's a good start. Its obvious that extra weight does affect joint conditions, but you should be proud of your efforts. Is there physio you could see to help with mobility? Do it for you though, do not allow this baby to be used as a carrot on a stick, it makes my blood boil that children are used as weapons or a way of manipulating someone.

Thirdly enjoy every second, your dd will want her mum. I'm about to have my second and I haven't got my mum anymore.

IdiotInDisguise · 11/09/2019 17:10

Meaning, what they will save in childcare they will spend in rent.

bombomboobah · 11/09/2019 17:26

My daughter is pregnant hooray! Or so l thought
so you seem to be saying that you're not happy for her, it's more that you were happy about the role that you assumed this would enable you to have
it's only something to be happy about if you get what you want out of it?

londonrach · 11/09/2019 17:27

Yabu. Safety of your grandchild is important and this way you can have quality time rather than full care. Sadly ive had to put my dd into nursery recently (mil vvvv hapy to do childcare one day a week and been a. Star until dd became very mobile). due to my concerns re her lack of mobility. Shes vvv upset but i witnessed my dd running into the road and i luckily was there as dropping off and she said i just cant move that quick londonrach what can i do. Sadly with a todder you have too. Ive hopefully cushioned the blow by meeting her whilst im there but ive been told its not the same. It does mean we getting less soft toys but at one soft toy a week the soft toys were taking over! Hoping to either get mil to save her money or spend it on none soft toys!

twinklystar23 · 11/09/2019 17:33

OP, I was a mother with arthritis, I’m surprised your daughter would try and manipulate you when there is little you can do. Losing weight is not necessarily an easy option if you have to take steroids to reduce the inflammation, as these increase your weight anyhow. That said, you are the grandparent, take a step back and be supportive of your daughter and her decisions. Reading (maybe accurately?) between the lines, your “tug of war” comment, and the paternal grandmother giving up smoking, may be your daughters way of (inappropriately) exerting her authority, could it be she feels pressurised by both sides? In addition, there is the move to London, which may suggest that could be the case. Also, did she know that “you were in tears?” more pressure?? Support her enjoying her pregnancy, don’t offer advice, unless asked.

Congratulations !

Contraceptionismyfriend · 11/09/2019 17:37

For some that offer isn't welcome.

I would never want my mum coming around to clean my house. It's a nice thought. But not something I would ever allow.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/09/2019 17:38

Oh. I see the 'lose weight' twats have descended on the thread. I wonder how much they weigh

WombOfOnesOwn · 11/09/2019 17:42

With my first baby, I was very possessive, reluctant to let anyone who wasn't me/my husband watch him.

By the time #2 came around 2 years later, I'd have done anything to unload them for a little while, and thought I'd been quite the asshole to turn down kind offers from my mother-in-law before!

Life is long. Perspectives change. You'll see.

Myriade · 11/09/2019 17:48

@OxeyeDaisy, if one of my dcs was doing that, i would be livid.

As a fully independant adult, I dont need someone else to guilt trip me into doing what THEY think is better for my health.

jacqroberts68 · 11/09/2019 17:54

I'm not a Grandmother yet but having young onset Parkinson's for 11 years now I would not be comfortable in sole charge of a baby or toddler. I always promised that I'd be the Granny that would help my kids by babysitting while they work or to give them a break but alas them's the breaks. Don't know how you're supposed to improve your condition though? Surely you'd do that anyway?

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 11/09/2019 18:02

I am a mother with arthritis with small kids.

Glad to know it makes me a shitty mother.