Heartbroken over grandchild AIBU

[lilypoppet]

My daughter is pregnant hooray! Or so l thought. But l was in tears today when she told.me if l didn't sort out my arthritis and difficulty walking, she won't let me look after the baby. The dad's mother smoked, drinks and occasionally takes drugs, but because she has signed herself on a course to stop smoking, she will be allowed. This baby, that I was so happy about is potentially going to be in a tug of war if we're not careful. AiBU?

Solo care of them not cars!

Regardless of health issues or being fit, please do not assume you have a right to care for your child or in any way help your dd.

Do find it in yourself to stand back and let her come to you and ask if she needs it or wants it.
If you read MN, there's nothing worse for most mothers than having their mother or MIL insisting on having their child or cleaning/tidying without being asked.
Just tell her you'll be there for her and to ask if she needs help and you can.

It’s telling that you gave your dress size and not your BMI when asked about your weight. Being a size 14/16 for most people (unless muscular) is at least in the overweight range and depending on your height you could even be obese. Carrying extra weight, as you know, makes all forms of arthritis worse. There has actually been significant research in the use of weight loss and regular low impact exercise to help ease arthritis symptoms and there is evidence that it can definitely help where people are overweight.

You still haven’t told us what type of arthritis you have.

Presumably you see a rheumatologist for this?

You could have physio?

Hydro?

Heat & ice packs?

Antiflammitories?

Biologics?

If you meet the criteria you can do W/Watchers or S/World funded on the NHS.

I think OP we need to understand how your arthritis affects you day to day in order to understand why your daughter asked oh to do such.

I’d like to hear the daughters side.

I've already updated. I have no wish to answer any of these very personal questions if that's ok with everyone
Thanks again to those who have.been supportive.

OP has been given a hard time. How rude to say that she's overweight & that makes arthritis worse. You know absolutely nothing about the personal circumstances of OP its just very unnecessary to poke like that.

lilypoppet

I've already updated. I have no wish to answer any of these very personal questions if that's ok with everyone
Thanks again to those whohave.beensupportive.

Quite right, some of these posts have been outright nasty and unreasonable. I was particularly gobsmacked by the person who said you should have given your BMI instead of your dress size! FFS! What planet do some people live on? I only knew my BMI when I became obsessed with weight loss ( I lost too much weight)

You do not need to answer personal questions. I have no idea what your daughter expects you to do about your arthritis but if I were you I would take a step back and see what happens nearer the time, be supportive, don't rise to her demands and be just a little laid back.

She is very lucky that she has you to care about her and to be able to stay with you. Don't let care of your grandchild become a tug of war, she may find that her MIL won't be able to live up to the expected standards either. And signing up to stop smoking and actually stopping are 2 different things.

Even if you don't have day to day care of your grandchild does not necessarily mean you won't have a close relationship with them, take it from one who was a grandchild and is a grandmother, cherish every moment with your new family member and they will know and appreciate it..

OP I don't care about the intimate details of your health, I'm not your doctor. Its more that people are confused about what was actually said between you.

I agree snuggy
I only asked so we could get a better idea as to why the daughter would make such a request.
Failing that it’s hard not to think there’s a bit of drip feeding
I’m sorry OP, I know you are hurt, but we’re just trying to figure out why you’ve been made to feel that way

There's so many holes in this story you could drain pasta.

I assume it was more 'unless your arthritis improves you won't be able to have baby alone.

It's the same thing I've had to do with my dad. Absolutely outstanding Grandad. But when I can see he's having a bad day and he asks for DS I say no. Because he's as stubborn as an old mule and would never put his health first.

Yes, I'd guess it was more a case of "I'm not allowing you to (damage your health and get too tired if you) care for the baby on your own.

I know you’ve updated, but I’m in kind of the same position with my MIL. She is desperate to have my lo on her own, but she has a debilitating health condition which is getting worse by the day. She cannot lift my 3 month old up, can’t hold her, can only feed her if someone is sat next to her holding the babies head. She sees a lot of the baby, we go every weekend, and we help her do what she can. But there is no way I’m leaving my baby there without myself or my partner there. I’m sure she hates it, and has already made a comment about how it’s unfair that my parents “got her first” when we went out for dinner, but it is what it is. When baby is older, I’ll be more inclined to leave her for short periods, I have no issue leaving my 6 year old who is fairly self sufficient. As much as I love my MIL, she isn’t able to look after a baby.