Heartbroken over grandchild AIBU

[lilypoppet]

My daughter is pregnant hooray! Or so l thought. But l was in tears today when she told.me if l didn't sort out my arthritis and difficulty walking, she won't let me look after the baby. The dad's mother smoked, drinks and occasionally takes drugs, but because she has signed herself on a course to stop smoking, she will be allowed. This baby, that I was so happy about is potentially going to be in a tug of war if we're not careful. AiBU?

Oops just reread my post. Demean = be (I think)

She's pregnant, the baby isn't even here yet. Smile and nod and forget about the nonsense. There will be no tug of war if you don't allow yourself to be dragged into it all.

Your post comes to me at a time where I'm hypersensitive to my interfering * of a mother.
This is not YOUR CHILD. Get that into your head.

You've had your day.

Wait what, surely youre helping her out by 'looking after' her baby, is she doesn't think you can (you can't exactly help having arthritis!)- then just enjoy being a granny. I would bet she will be asking you when baby is here anyway.

Heartbroken over grandchild
Your grandchild hasn't even been born yet! What an over dramatic thread title.

My daughter is pregnant hooray! Or so l thought.
Even if your daughter doesn't want you to provide childcare you should still be happy for her.

OP, the fact that you're already thinking about a "tug-of-war" before the baby's even been born is not a good sign. It's not in your interest to become that sort of grandmother (or that sort of MIL to your son-in-law).

Ignore her.. when baby arrives she’d let the village drunk take care of it for the sake of five minutes peace

Seriously, OP, don't worry about this now, wait and see what happens when the baby's actually here. You need to be realistic about your health as well - you may find simply not be able to take care of a baby/active toddler and it's better to accept that for everyone's sake.

Your DD is in the pre-birth "I'm going to ensure that everything is perfect" stage of parenting. Real life isn't like that!

You are a bit U.

My mum (and PIL) live in a different country. My mum is hard hearing to the point of being nearly deaf. She also has a dodgy knee which means she can't sit on the floor or even kneel down without issues.

My DD has an absolute great relationship with them. They phone or skype, write emails, we see them twice a year but it doesn't matter. DD now Whatsapp my MIL on her own or phones them and tells about her life.

I’m sure people are trying to reassure OP but there’s every chance her daughter won’t be desperate for help with her baby, rip her arm off for a wee in peace or whatever. Not all of us do and based on the little she’s chosen to share OP has a flair for the dramatic. News of a baby should be happy, not a reason to be heartbroken over something that won’t be a concern for many months to come. When I was pregnant my step mum told me she’d be babysitting my baby when it was 6 weeks old and I said she wouldn’t. I’m her mum. It’s up to her dad and me who looks after her (us at the moment and very happily) so we’re not getting dictated to.

@AnneLovesGilbert

You're right, but given that the OP is keen to have a close relationship with her grandchild , it's probable that her DD will let her be involved to some extent.

We have the opposite situation in that one set of GP's make bugger all effort with our DC while the others (who do try) live in another country. I think it's lovely when GP's actually want to be involved.

I think you're worrying over nothing, see how things go when the baby comes.

When I was little I was never looked after by any of my grandparents as my mum fitted her job around nursery and school, but I still had a great relationship with them. I spent loads of time with them at the weekend with my parents, and as I got a little older my sister and I would stay overnight etc.

I honestly wouldn't worry too much just because she hasn't got you pencilled in for childcare just yet.

There isn’t a tug of war, you can get to know your grandchild in the company of your daughter I’m sure.

Why the need to look after a baby alone? You struggle to walk, recipe for disaster.
I know some people have the same issue when they become mothers but they get the support and healthcare from professionals to be safe with their child.

@AnneLovesGilbert I was like this too.
My children are 4 and 2 and have never spent the night anywhere yet, my mil looks after them if we need to do something and it’s always at home but it’s been around 5 times she’s done this.

My children love their grandmother, she’s their favourite person.

Relinquish your attempt at ownership of the child. Resolve to be pleasant and helpful. It will be fine.

But l was in tears today when she told.me if l didn't sort out my arthritis and difficulty walking, she won't let me look after the baby. The dad's mother smoked, drinks and occasionally takes drugs, but because she has signed herself on a course to stop smoking, she will be allowed.

DD is currently living with me, which is great - other option is London, but she's worrying about CO2 levels - but as it's the first grandchild there is pressure from other family to live near them in London.

OP your daughter sounds like a twat.

I feel we are missing a massive drip feed here.

I feel we are missing a massive drip feed here

I'm wondering what the DD version would be.

@C8H10N4O2 did I ever get round to telling you I like your username... I got mine from a similar train of thought

carbon dioxide levels?

surely she means carbon monoxide?

(spectacularly misses point of thread)

Heart broken? Tug of war?

Sigh. Less dramatic and more support needed op. If you're not fit to look after a baby or toddler, that's your dd's parenting decision to make really. You can disagree but I suspect being vocal might not help the relationship much.

@Noconsent or maybe all those sweet fizzy drinks you can only get in London

What? None of this makes sense. Your dd sounds batshit going by what you’ve said here.

Your daughter sounds like a bit of a bitch. It might just be that she’s nervous and neurotic because she’s having a baby.

As an aside, if she knows how to just “sort out arthritis” won’t you ask her to join mumsnet and come and let everyone know how? 🙄

It’s only a “tug of war” if you pick up the rope and tug.

How do you expect to look after your grandchild if you have such mobility issues?

I also think there is more to this than we are being told. OP, are you very overweight? I have arthritis which of course can't be "cured" but it can massively be helped by losing weight so joints aren't taking as much strain. Maybe this is your daughter's way of getting you to help yourself a bit. My nan had awful arthritis, but she was also severely obese and would profess she had barely eaten a thing all day. But she would have polished off an entire large bar of chocolate and barely gotten off the sofa. In the end she couldn't get off the sofa. .