When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

[Whentotell123]

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

I don't think this is going to go down well no matter when you tell them so soonest is best. I know I'd feel hurt and left out if I was one of your DSC and I'm an adult. You have just given their mother all the ammunition she needs. I fully support my children's relationship with their father but if he did this to them my heart would be breaking for them because I know how hurt they'd be.

I would tell them as soon as you can, I disagree with the above that you've given anyone "ammunition"

its not like you've invited anyone else to the wedding and excluded them!

Why are they not invited to the wedding?

Why are you planning a wedding without the children there?

It’s going to be very difficult to explain this to them in any way that doesn’t leave them feeling unloved and left out.

my ex remarried and dd wasnt there, she knew about it and they went for a meal when they come home... I can honestly say I wasnt negative about it however dd had issues then and now 7 years later about it.

she was at my wedding as a bridesmaid etc and sees this as normal whereas her dad has wedding photos and she isnt even in them.

I think that as the dscs already feel like their dad doesn't love them as much now that you are getting married, It is a mistake to get married without them being there. They will feel even more excluded. Also, why wouldn't your dp want them there? I could never imagine getting married and not wanting my dcs to be a part of it!!

I hate to say this but I think the fact you’re getting married without them there isn’t a good start. We made our DSD a really big part of our wedding and she still struggled with it.
We wanted to marry abroad but there was no guarantee DSD would be there so we chose to get married in the UK.

I think getting married abroad without the kids there is a bit of a mistake. It doesnt matter that there arent any other guests, they will just see that they're being excluded from a major part of their dad's life.
Could you have a small legal ceremony with just you and the children here, "mini honeymoon" just the two of you and then a big party as you planned.

Why aren't the children at the wedding? This is the odd part.

Even if the wedding is in a registry office and there is nothing afterwards then the children would just be happy being at the registry office.

I personally would get married in a registry office before you went away on holiday, timing the wedding for an afternoon when the children are with their dad. If their mother is difficult then your DP can tell her after you got married.

Very odd decision to exclude them from your wedding.

They aren't going to understand your reasoning / rationale. They are just going to feel left out pushed aside.

I have no idea why you aren't involving them, even if a tiny wedding your DSC should be first on guest list even before your parents siblings or best friends
to be not inviting kids does say I don't love you as much as DP far more than anything their mother says
my parents are married but if one of them was widowed and decided to remarry but decided not to invite me and my siblings even at 50 I would be hurt

you should get married here quickly and cheaply at registry office with your kids and go abroad for your honeymoon

Sorry but I think you’re already off to a bad start excluding them from the wedding. Bad call.

If they are already feeling insecure, I think deliberately excluding them from the wedding was the wrong thing to do. I can’t imagine how my DS would have felt if I’d done this to him. I think the longer you keep these plans from them, the worse it’ll be tbh.

They should be at your wedding. They are not tiny children. They will feel excluded.

know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married

So they already know you’re getting married?

Excluding them from the wedding ceremony is going to make things much, much worse.

Yeah, not inviting them to the wedding is a really bad move.

My ex married without our boys being there and it hurt them loads. There will be no "good time" to tell them.

I think its apretty mean thing to do to exclude from you're wedding. You're dp came as a package and if you're joining together in marriage you're also joining together as a family. Those kids already feeling pushed out, doing this will push them out further.

Oh my god. YABVU not inviting them. That's unbelievably unfair.

Frankly, you’re bonkers to do it this way. We have four children between us and had a bigger wedding than we wanted to make sure they all had a role. Make the holiday your honeymoon and get married first with the children there.

This is really tough because getting married without them there, and having them miss usual contact because of it, is going to add fuel to the fire their mum has been stoking.
I would honestly have a rethink even if it means not having the wedding you dream of. Even if you have a tiny registry office wedding with just the kids, then go on honeymoon to the destination you planned, it will be harder for their mum to twist.
Not saying having the wedding abroad is unreasonable, it's the mum who is being unreasonable...but the DC are most important here.

surprise them with a party for their father's wedding that they knew nothing about and were not invited to? sure, what could go wrong...

Sorry to say this .
But I think you're going to give their mother a pack of playing cards she will use against you and your soon to be.
The first thing she will say to them is " I told you he doesnt love you as much,or you would have been invited to the wedding etc etc etc. Cant they go with you ?.
It would be expensive I know,but I`m thinking how I would have felt if in the same boat.
Other than that,go with your plan and tell no-one your married.