When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

[Whentotell123]

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

We haven't excluded the children, we didn't want a huge formal wedding so we're simply marrying when we're on our honeymoon. No one will be there.

So then go to a registry office before you go if the legal ceremony means nothing to you.

You’ve got kids here who already feel excluded and that him getting married will impact their relationship- what’s more important, getting married abroad or your longterm relationship with his children?

You can still have your ceremony abroad, just go to the registry office with the kids in tow first.

Oh dear.

“the actual wedding to us is merely a legal formality.”

So why go abroad and make a big deal out of it?

I know this was not the question but you are exceptionally unreasonable not to invite your partner’s children to your wedding. Children are not the same as other guests. To exclude them will be very very hurtful. Telling them after will only make it worse. But the real harm is in excluding them. You should have a wedding that they can be included in.

I just thought the party back home would be the main thing, the actual wedding to us is merely a legal formality.

Sorry but that’s bollocks isn’t it. If you wanted just a legal formality you’d pop down to the registry office and do it, and you could include them then go out for lunch.

If you don’t want fuss then why plan a big party afterwards? The rest of your guests will feel as short changed as well tbh. It’s either a wedding or it’s not. You can’t have it both ways.

Are these children in your family or not? If they are, have them in your wedding. If not, crack on but expect trouble ahead. You won’t be able to say you didn’t see it coming.

ignore all the "youre giving the wrong message" bla bla bla, nobody would give a shit if they were biologically your children.

You know these kids, where as strangers on the internet don't. You know whether it will irreparably damage them it wont

A registry office ceremony costs nothing like £600, particularly with just three guests.

£600. It’s not the money. You’re spending much more than that.
The kids have hobbies? I wouldn’t be surprised if...
But at no point has anyone actually spoken to the poor kids and asked if they would want to come or if they would be bored rigid? Nobody has spoken about the possibility of getting married abroad.
This isn’t how you treat children. No wonder they split up.

£600 sounds incredibly steep for registry office, mine was literally £35. We paid for a meal after which bumped it up a bit but even with that I don't think we spent more and £150.

Pretty much write off the relationship with the 13 year old if you don't invite them as they can chose never to visit you and the courts would support this.

Invite them and if their activities are more important then they can chose not to attend.

By party you mean no dressing up, no presents etc? If so then that is fine but you don't get married in secret and then have a reception just to gather up the gifts- it is very rude.

Well OP you and your DP need to rethink quickly.

Get married with the kids there in a registry office.

Don't tell them before hand so their mother can't be difficult and try to ensure they can't attend.

Give your witnesses as minimum notice as you can get away with as well.

Just tell them you are going some where boring.

Then once you are married tell their mother.

The kids will be happy as they went to your secret wedding. Their mother won't be able to say anything apart from moan about your ceremony not being expensive.

Pretty sure £600 on a registry wedding that involves your partner’s kids would be cheaper than an overseas wedding. You and your DP are making excuses not to involve the kids and the kids have already cottoned on that he doesn’t love them as much any more - it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realise that probably has more to do with your DP’s attitude than his ex’s. At the end of the day it’s up to you and your DP but if these were my kids I wouldn’t want a wedding without them.

Please don't do this. I can't imagine how anyone would want to exclude their own children from their wedding and keeping them in the dark about it is even worse.

So how much is the holiday abroad including the wedding ceremony? Less than £600? How much are you budgeting for the party?

The kids have hobbies at the weekend and don't like to miss these and I honestly wouldn't be surprised if they wouldn't want to go to the wedding if it was at the weekend. The kids have their routines and like it.

that is really quite pathetic. No wonder they feel excluded already.

bonjour. Plenty of people posting here have been these children. They all say it upset them and most are saying long term it has affected their relationship with that parent. So really, everything is pointing to some serious damage, isn’t it?

I feel sorry for the kids and I think you are being fed lies about their Mother too.

Simple fact is, your fiancé has three children and he needs to put them first. Excluding them from your wedding when they already feel excluded and ‘unloved’ is a terrible idea. I can’t see how you’d ever think it was a good idea tbh.

Registry offices don’t cost £600 and you don’t need to do anything afterwards.

A friend of mine’s mother got married on holiday when she was about 10 in the 1970s. She still hasn’t got over it. Why did her mother exclude her from such an important event? They get on well enough but she doesn’t have the closeness with her mother either would like.

This is a disaster waiting to happen. I can't believe you can't see that, it's so selfish and you are likely in their eyes to prove their mum right.

ignore all the "youre giving the wrong message" bla bla bla, nobody would give a shit if they were biologically your children.

They’re her DPs biological children and I’m judging the hell out of him.

OP, please rethink your decision not to have your DC as part of your wedding. My friend was the SC in this situation many many years ago and it changed her relationship with her dad irreversibly. It’s a really really selfish decision

Even to have a simple registry office wedding in the UK, its looking at £600 just for the ceremony

Where the hell are you getting that figure from? Even a church wedding costs less than that - either £500 or £540 depending if you live in the parish or not. Our local registry office charges between £50 and £180 plus £11 for the certificate.

Hi OP
My brother did this he stupidly told them the day before he left and the kids were destroyed. I would give them as much notice as possible but I would say maybe take them with you.

When my dad remarried he only had us kids there, how could anyone get married without their kids there?! Your partner comes as a package, whether you or he like it or not, excluding them is incredibly distasteful. But sure, blame the mum.