Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

864 replies

Whentotell123 · 21/08/2019 09:20

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

OP posts:
Geminijes · 21/08/2019 10:34

We haven't excluded the children, we didn't want a huge formal wedding so we're simply marrying when we're on our honeymoon. No one will be there.

But you will be excluding the children.

You're basically telling them that they are not good enough to come to your wedding.

DistanceCall · 21/08/2019 10:34

The kids have hobbies at the weekend and don't like to miss these and I honestly wouldn't be surprised if they wouldn't want to go to the wedding if it was at the weekend. The kids have their routines and like it.

Have you asked them? A wedding is not an everyday thing. I think you don't realise the symbolic importance of this.

it is disappointing that the kids may be upset by this. I honestly don't see how this should impact them though. We're already together, we're in the kids lives and nothing will change that whether we're married or not.

Again, it's symbolic. Particularly with their mother telling them that their father doesn't love them so much anymore, you NEED to make an effort to show them that they are loved and wanted. Being made part of their father's wedding is HUGE for children - it means that they are wanted, they are included, they are part of the family.

Leaving them out will be a slap in the face, it will make the children feel that their father now has a new life with you to which they are not invited, and will give their mother more ammunition (and she will keep bringing it up).

NoCauseRebel · 21/08/2019 10:34

ignore all the "youre giving the wrong message" bla bla bla, nobody would give a shit if they were biologically your children. actually I would. And besides, these children are the dp’s biological children. If a poster posted here saying that her partner wanted to exclude her children from their wedding would people say that he had every right to and no-one would care if they’d been his biological children? Bollocks they would.

Either way I find it bizarre that anyone would want to exclude their children from their wedding and then lie about the reasons, “oh it’s just a formality but we have to go on a £££ holiday to make it happen? The registry office costs £600” when posters have plainly pointed out that it doesn’t. Oh, and are you the SM that a PP pointed out above?

I don’t believe for one second that the mum has been dripping poison into their ears. His (and your) actions have made it very clear that he doesn’t love them as much, or enough to include them in a vital part of his life.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 21/08/2019 10:34

MN makes me laugh sometimes

OP: AIBU?

4 pages of DONT DO IT and 1 or 2 agreeing...

OP: Thanks! Thats exactly what I thought.

The mother's not mean- she's got your measure perfectly!

Alsohuman · 21/08/2019 10:34

You do know weddings can happen on days other than Saturday? A mid week registry office ceremony is around £200. I wouldn’t want to marry a man who happily excluded his kids from his wedding.

onanothertrain · 21/08/2019 10:34

they are used to their parents going on holiday so this shouldn't have an impact
Fucking hell

DistanceCall · 21/08/2019 10:35

The mother's not mean- she's got your measure perfectly!

I'm starting to suspect as much, yes.

Weezol · 21/08/2019 10:35

Neither of you can see why this would upset them? Really?

MyCatHatesEverybody · 21/08/2019 10:35

I had my DSCs at my wedding, tbh I didn't think they'd be that bothered but we wanted them there. When we told them they were way more excited that I expected and we gave them all a role (15yo DSS was best man, DSD was my bridesmaid, younger DSS filmed it for us).

Your wedding is either important enough to include the DSCs, or low key enough where you sneak off to the register office and get it done without telling anybody, no fuss afterwards. If the party was the main event of a wedding you wouldn't get so many people feeling snubbed when e.g. their close friend only gives them an evening invite.

Please reconsider unless you and your fiance deliberately want to destroy both of your relationship with the children. Step parenting dynamics are so delicately balanced at the best of times and when their mum isn't on board either there'll be no hope of undoing the damage.

FiveShelties · 21/08/2019 10:37

If you think you are doing the right thing by excluding them, why are you concerned about when to tell them?

horizontilting · 21/08/2019 10:38

It sounds like you don't want the children at your wedding.

lunar1 · 21/08/2019 10:38

My brother and I weren't invited to our dads wedding, it was a massive betrayal. The pair of you are just making excuses.

Femodene · 21/08/2019 10:39

Wow, way to ensure they despise their father and you for the rest of their lives! Was that the plan, swan off for a holiday and get married, make the kids feel even more discarded and hope they don’t go to their fathers house anymore so you can have your own ‘little family’ 🤮?

All registry offices have to offer a ceremony that’s not a ‘package’, is just the vows and legal ceremony, and no kid would rather do their hobby than see a parent get married, so you have no excuse.

Apparentlychilled · 21/08/2019 10:39

My dad for remarried without me there. In fact, it was booked doe the same weekend as my hen, which had been booked for months. Only 1 of my siblings was invited. It really, really hurt, and I was in my late 20s at the time. Don't do it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/08/2019 10:39

The wedding is free as part of the package for staying at the hotel.

Is it really. Classy. Is the holiday costing more than £600?

edwinbear · 21/08/2019 10:39

It's adults only and during school time so the kids couldn't come

You booked and adult only, wedding abroad, in term time? Don;t kid yourself, you are absolutely, 100% deliberately excluding the DC - and it's vile.

OMGshefoundmeout · 21/08/2019 10:39

If the SC were really tiny I think this could be ok but as it is they are old enough to feel excluded. You are saying it is a mere legal formality but you are planning it months in advance and at a destination - that doesn’t seem like a formality.

I agree with the many PP saying have a civil service here (just Googled it, £35 each). If you only invite the DC, it will be special for them and you can celebrate at home with a shop cake or go to a Harvester after. It doesn’t have to be a massive expensive deal. I think the extra cost is worth it if it makes them feel part of such a special day.

Even if they decline the invitation, because their mum is awkward or they’d rather go to a sports club, at least they will know their dad and stepmum wanted to share the day with them.

Femodene · 21/08/2019 10:40

Also, their father is an absolute disgrace for ditching his kids for his current lover. At least if you choose to have a kid with him you already know what is in your future.

Boom45 · 21/08/2019 10:41

To be fair, my wedding was 4 years ago now but it was a saturday morning and possibly they've increased the prices from £35 to £600 in 4 years (bloody Tories...). Obviously you've decided what you're doing and no one is going to change your mind but if your partner decides he might actually want his children there I'd contact the registry office again to double check the cost.

RedWoollyHat · 21/08/2019 10:41

OP it really doesn't cost that much to have a tiny wedding in a registry office in the UK. I'm getting married in a registry office this year (just us, kids and older step daughter) so smallest room and it's around £150. I think you can also go in and just sign the forms for £75. If you're marrying abroad though you clearly do have the money. Why post only to just ignore all the responses? Might as well just admit you don't give a shit about your step children's feelings and so what does it matter when you tell them frankly.

SarahH12 · 21/08/2019 10:41

People saying it's affected their relationship because they weren't invited need to get over themselves. A wedding isn't about everyone else, it's about two people choosing to spend the rest of their lives with each other.

walkintheparc · 21/08/2019 10:42

If I were your kids I would want to know as soon as possible, telling them last minute when it's clear it's been booked for a while just seems sneaky. Way to completely lose all trust with teenagers.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/08/2019 10:42

If you think you are doing the right thing by excluding them, why are you concerned about when to tell them?

That’s the nub isn’t it. If you’re so happy with your plans, are so sure they won’t care, then tell them now and find out if you’re right. If you don’t think you can do that because you don’t want to face their disappointment and feelings of rejection then you know you’re wrong and this whole exercise in justification is a load of crap.

RedWoollyHat · 21/08/2019 10:42

... I'm in Scotland btw.

Sotiredofthislife · 21/08/2019 10:42

There's nothing wrong with making your wedding just about you and DP. Your wedding day is about the two of you joining together and committing yourselves to one another. There is nothing wrong with having a party with your DSC when you get back. Also personally I wouldn't tell the ex at all as it's nothing to do with her

Are you for real? A second wedding where there are children involved could never just be about the ‘two of you joining together’.

You’re right, it has nothing to do with the ex. But even in the best of circumstances and no anger or bitterness, the ex’s wedding can be an upsetting experience both for the ex and the children. Letting the ex know quietly so she has time to grieve if needing to, pull herself together and be able to be there for her children who may have lots of concerns and questions demonstrates respect and helps the wider relationship going forwards.

But fuck ‘em, eh? All about you. And you are church goers. Wow.

Swipe left for the next trending thread