Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

864 replies

Whentotell123 · 21/08/2019 09:20

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

OP posts:
namby · 21/08/2019 10:25

And I'm sure £600 is a lot cheaper than your "honeymoon wedding". You've prioritised badly.

ThreeRandomWords · 21/08/2019 10:25

My mum didn't invite me to her wedding when she remarried. That was almost thirty years ago, and it adversely affects our relationship to this day.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 21/08/2019 10:26

Given the update, I actually think they're looking for excuses not to take the kids. School/money/hobbies... and people wonder why stepparents get a bad rap on MN

janesmore · 21/08/2019 10:26

My DH and I got married abroad, just the two of us. We didn't invite anyone, including his grown up children. We thought we were doing the right thing for valid reasons but it was a huge mistake and I've regretted it every day since. We upset so many people and have never felt able to celebrate our wedding anniversary. Please listen and don't do what you are planning.

gamerwidow · 21/08/2019 10:26

The kids have hobbies at the weekend and don't like to miss these and I honestly wouldn't be surprised if they wouldn't want to go to the wedding if it was at the weekend. The kids have their routines and like it
Don’t be silly you’re not talking about putting out for a day trip. Your wedding will be a big beak for his kids it affects more than just your future. They should at least give them the option. If you insist on following through with your idea tell them now otherwise you add hiding it from them to the hurt as well.

Alsohuman · 21/08/2019 10:26

They don’t have to take the kids, just get married first.

Florencenotflo · 21/08/2019 10:27

It sounds like everything is booked now, so the best you can do is not tell the kids you've got married abroad, just go on holiday. Then do a fake ceremony at the party you have planned. And then hole to god they don't find out you've lied to them.

My friend did this, they went to America and married without his dc's/her step dc's. Their relationship had never been good since and seriously deteriorated since the got married.

SarahH12 · 21/08/2019 10:27

Haven't read the entire thread but OP MN isn't the best place to ask for advice on this. On here you'll never do right. There's nothing wrong with making your wedding just about you and DP. Your wedding day is about the two of you joining together and committing yourselves to one another. There is nothing wrong with having a party with your DSC when you get back. Also personally I wouldn't tell the ex at all as it's nothing to do with her. We didn't, we just told DSD - although we're having our wedding local so she is invited. We debated going abroad just the two of us but ultimately we decided it means a lot to us to marry at the church we attend.

Do you think any negativity from them will negatively affect your wedding day? If so I'd tell them when you get back. Good luck whatever you decide.

ILoveAnOwl · 21/08/2019 10:28

So give them the choice. 'We' re getting married tomorrow at the registry office. We'd love you to be there, but if you'd rather go to judo we understand that too'.

I cannot think of a single child I know or work with who would value their 'routine' over going to their Dad's wedding.

happyjack12 · 21/08/2019 10:29

so 4 pages of DON'T DO IT and you are still going to....?

Baxdream · 21/08/2019 10:29

I'm a SM and married. There's no way my SC wouldn't have been at our wedding!
You are absolutely excluding this and you're trying to justify it to yourself.
It's very sad that you both think it's okay to leave them out like this

Original poster
Whentotell123 · 21/08/2019 10:29

@Bonjourfreddie thank you!

The registry office does cost £600 on a weekend to marry so perhaps if you're comparing it to weddings many years ago then you'll realise they cost more.

The wedding is free as part of the package for staying at the hotel. We would be going on honeymoon anyway so this seemed like the perfect fit.

We will tell the kids sooner rather than later. Knowing the kids, I don't think they will bat an eyelid. They are used to their parents (both my DP and their Mum) going on holiday without them so this shouldn't have an impact.

OP posts:
Morningonthebeach · 21/08/2019 10:29

My dad didn't have me at his wedding. He invited me to the church blessing and it has still affected our relationship.

You will deserve everything the Mum says about you if you do this.

If necessary, un fussy registry office here with the kids and blessing abroad with the dressing up bit.

ElizaDee · 21/08/2019 10:30

Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party.

Don't do this. We went to my dads as normal one weekend and he asked, do you want to watch a video? So we said yes. Bastard put on their fucking wedding video!! They'd got married and not told us. We were like WTF, why weren't we bridesmaids? Shitty thing to do.

MoaningMinnie1 · 21/08/2019 10:31

Please do tell them as soon as possible and involve them in the wedding so they feel wanted and important. Reassure them that dad certainly does love them.

I knew someone who, twenty years ago, remarried. He had two boys from first marriage with whom he had a good relationship but they were not invited to his wedding. He and his (now) wife thought it was 'for the best'. Why, I do not know. He'd been divorced for a few years.

They were so hurt. It definitely seemed quite odd at the wedding and reception for them not to be there, they had cousins and aunts and uncles there - but not them. At the reception a few people said, "Where are the boys?".

If you have to alter your plans, please do so. These children are part of your fiance.

Aprillygirl · 21/08/2019 10:32

So you and their dad not only want to exclude them from the big day you also want to lie, by omission, to them by keeping the marriage a secret until the last minute. I don't think their DM needs to put poison into their heads does she? Confused

hsegfiugseskufh · 21/08/2019 10:32

maybe I am weird but I don't know any kids who actually enjoy weddings. I will be surprised if DSS turns up to ours, he probably couldn't think of anything worse to be honest, but he is 15 and anything other than being on an xbox is boring to him.

namby · 21/08/2019 10:32

@Whentotell123 you're not going on holiday, you're getting married?! Are you honestly THAT dense or emotionally stunted you really can't see the issue, even after 80+ responses with ONE person agreeing with you?!

Baxdream · 21/08/2019 10:32

You're not going on holiday without them you're getting married without them!
You're now saying they won't be bothered but if that's the case why have you posted?

FAQs · 21/08/2019 10:32

How awful, they will be so hurt no matter how you try and dress this up it’s very selfish of you both.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 21/08/2019 10:33

This is an appalling way to handle your future family.

Registry Offices cost nothing like £600. There’s an initial set fee of £35 and then something closer to £200 for the ceremony.
Do a secret service it in a school holiday - February half term would be good as it’s a pretty dull month.
Then swan off and have lots of wedding photos somewhere exotic.

The thought of you having wedding photos up in the house where the children were excluded from is horrific.

Walkerbean16 · 21/08/2019 10:33

My husband dad did this 20 years ago.

He was hurt then and if we ever go stay with them he hates seeing the wedding photos they have up.

Yabu to get married without the kids there

DanielRicciardosSmile · 21/08/2019 10:33

perhaps if you're comparing it to weddings many years ago then you'll realise they cost more

No. Prices correct as of 6th April 2019. Out of curiosity I checked the surrounding counties too and the prices are broadly similar with the most expensive I found being £215. Can only assume your registry office likes ripping people off...

MarigoldGlove · 21/08/2019 10:33

If you don't care about the ceremony then use that to your advantage. Book a registry office ceremony and let the dc plan the hell out of it it with you. They can help you decide what flowers to have for a bouquet and what everyone is going to wear and what music there will be. Because you aren't arsed and just see it as a legal formality then it will be easy to let them have a say.

Then you can have your holiday and have a blessing or whatever it is while you are there.

hsegfiugseskufh · 21/08/2019 10:33

i also don't see weddings as some kind of big emotional event, its just a legal process for me so I am not seeing it with the same massive emotional impact as everyone else (I am only having a "wedding" because its what DP wants, I would go to the registry office tomorrow and get it over and done with!)