When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

[Whentotell123]

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

[ChicCroissant]

Not inviting them to the wedding isn't going to send the right message, is it OP? Seriously?

[DrPeppersPhD]

Not inviting them was a really, really bad call. Normally I'm on the side of the step mum on these threads, they get a very bad rap in here, but you've made a monumental fuck up here, and if I were your step child I'd feel very upset about that, and it is going to come across as you love them less.

[ConkerGame]

Please don’t get married without the kids there. My aunt(!) who I was very close to did this and it irrevocably changed our relationship. Even though there were no guests at her wedding it just screamed to me that I wasn’t important enough to her to have me there (I was 10). I think it would have broken me if it had been my parent doing this!

[bigvig]

I am a child if a first marriage and wasn't invited to either of my parents second marriages. I still remember how upset I felt. Why not invite them, give them roles make them feel excited rather than excluded.

[Whentotell123]

We haven't excluded the children, we didn't want a huge formal wedding so we're simply marrying when we're on our honeymoon. No one will be there.

The party back home will be the opportunity for the kids to get dressed up and have a lovely time.

The kids are incredibly well loved by everyone in their lives. Sadly it doesn't help when their Mum puts these silly thoughts in their heads.

[ChicCroissant]

You are excluding the children.

[Sotiredofthislife]

and having them miss usual contact because of it, is going to add fuel to the fire their mum has been stoking..Not saying having the wedding abroad is unreasonable, it's the mum who is being unreasonable

I don’t get it? If the OP’s partner has happily arranged his wedding not to include his children, their mum is kind of on the right track with her comments, surely? It is not unreasonable for any child to expect to be included in their parent’s wedding and it’s not unreasonable to question motives of that doesn’t happen.

Of course, mum shouldn’t discuss any of this with the children but she doesn’t necessarily have needed to. They can have come to their own conclusions and/or have picked up on conversations mum has had with friends/family.

[poolblack]

Erm, why hasn't their dad already told them?

I wouldn't be happy to marry a man who considered his children so insignificant in his major life event.

[DanielRicciardosSmile]

You don't have to have a huge, formal wedding; but for the life of me I can't understand why you can't get married in a registry office here before you go away, and include the children.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

If you’ve told them you’re getting married, how can you plan to wait till February next year to tell them when the wedding is? Haven’t they asked if you've set a date? Are you lying to them about it? How long after you get back is the party going to be?

I have to say that as a married stepmum that I agree with most other people you’re making a big mistake by excluding them from your wedding, especially if they’re already feeling misplaced and getting negative comments from their mum.

We had a tiny wedding of just 12 and my DSC who were under 7 were a huge part of it. She was my bridesmaid, he was DH best man and did the rings, they had little special outfits, they got massively into the planning and remember it often as one of the happiest days they’ve ever had. It cemented the unit we’ve created and was an important milestone in our shared relationships.

Their mum wasn’t happy when we got engaged and I posted at the time that she said they couldn’t be there but we worked it out, we booked it for when we were already due to have them and she never mentioned it again. They were happy and involved, we were happy, she got over it.

I’m confused about why your DP doesn’t want them there. And you’re not saving yourself the hassle or cost of a big wedding if you’re having a big party afterwards so I’m not sure what you’re going for here.

[Wolfiefan]

You’re not getting married on your honeymoon. A honeymoon comes after a wedding.
Stop fooling yourself.
And the party? It’s for you. Not for them to dress up and have a lovely time. You’re being very selfish and blaming the mother of his children.

[Boom45]

If I was getting married again I'd want my children there, it's going to be really hard to explain to your DSC why they're not going to be there and it's not really a matter of timing.

[Alsohuman]

Sorry, but you have excluded them. You don’t have to have a big wedding to include them. Take the three of them to the registry office and get married. Tell them it’s a secret and they’ll love it. If you do it the way you’ve planned, you’re storing up a world of pain that will never be forgotten.

[TheFaerieQueene]

I think you are making a huge mistake not having the children there. Why not have a register office wedding just you and the children and then go off on honeymoon.

[Whentotell123]

I genuinely haven't thought of it like this. It was my DP that wanted to marry abroad so we booked it. It's adults only and during school time so the kids couldn't come.

I just thought the party back home would be the main thing, the actual wedding to us is merely a legal formality.

[FrontBumbly]

NC and watching this with interest as I am 99% sure this is what my ex is up to at the moment and the details here are way too similar.

On the offchance this is you Emma, the relationship with the kids isnt great and its not me that puts negative things in their head, they just dont like you.

Theyre upset and think he loves them less because instead of taking them on holiday like hes been promising for a year you insisted on a big ring and engagement fuss. Then tried to cancel contact the next day because of hangovers.

Theyre not upset because hes getting married, theyre upset because hes marrying you despite the way you treat them. Again, nothing to do with me.

HTH.

And if its not Emma, well, my mistake but your plan not to tell the stepkids is a very bad one.

[whattodowith]

Yes you are excluding them. The honeymoon comes after the wedding. You could get married quietly here and literally only invite his children then go away on honeymoon.

[Boom45]

Also, I didn't want a huge formal wedding so I didn't have one. We spent £35 on the registry office and had our children and parents and siblings there then went for lunch. We invited everyone just a couple of weeks before so there couldn't be a huge build up or anything and it was absolutely lovely.

[onedayiwillmissthis]

Having the children involved in the wedding rather than excluding them altogether would have been a nicer start to your marriage.

[Butterbeeeen]

My dp and I are planning our wedding. There will be no guests APART from our 2 Dc and my ds from a previous relationship. I wasn't invited to my DFs wedding (there children together were) this hurt and our relationship never recovered.

[Wolfiefan]

To us.
But not to them. You sound very selfish or very naive and young.
Not sure how long you’ve been together but maybe give his ex a break. She had several kids with this man and now he’s netting off to marry someone new and leaving her to pick up the pieces with the kids.

[BertrandRussell]

Blimey. What a simply dreadful idea.

[Jeezoh]

Wow, you really haven’t thought this through, your poor step kids. Their mother sounds awful but you’ve kinda helped prove her point. If the wedding is “just” the legal bit, do it where you live with the kids attending then go on honeymoon without them.

[Waffles80]

During the party back home, could you have a “ceremony”?

Tell them the wedding abroad is a legal formality, but the real “wedding” is the ceremony they can be part of?

Could one of them read a poem / walk you down an aisle? I know it sounds daft, but they’ll feel upset and excluded from the wedding.

Our friends did this - legal wedding with just them, then a really fun and personalised (but legally meaningless!) ceremony with all their loved ones.

[Whentotell123]

@FrontBumbly I'm not Emma but perhaps you should just speak to her if you have an issue isn't of trying to out her on a forum.

Even to have a simple registry office wedding in the UK, its looking at £600 just for the ceremony. Plus everything else afterwards, even if it's small.

The kids have hobbies at the weekend and don't like to miss these and I honestly wouldn't be surprised if they wouldn't want to go to the wedding if it was at the weekend. The kids have their routines and like it.

It's interesting reading the reviews and it is disappointing that the kids may be upset by this. I honestly don't see how this should impact them though. We're already together, we're in the kids lives and nothing will change that whether we're married or not.