When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

[Whentotell123]

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

[Littlemissamy]

I’ve been that step daughter, my dad got married 12+ years ago and I’m still stinging that me and my sister weren’t invited. It set a precedent for the future and how we saw ourselves in their family.

[supermommyof4]

Assess feeling not access..stupid phone

[supermommyof4]

My dh is step parent to my 4 and he has one from a previous marriage so i a step parent too. We included all the children. I originally wanted to just go do it on the quiet but after putting some feelers out to access the kids feeling on it..it became apparent they would be happy for us but disappointed they couldn't be bridesmaids etc. So my 2 boys gave me away, 2 daughters and niece as bridesmaids, nephew ring bearer and stepson was best man. It was a lovely day they all enjoyed themselves, it was all done on a shoe string but they all still looked lovely and the photos are better with the children there.

[Menopausalcraziness]

@Whentotell123
I've now read the whole thread and I feel I have to say that whilst your soon HTB thinks he knows his children best, I think he's being naiive.

My OH has his children to stay every other weekend and sometimes he gets things wrong with his thinking how they will feel about something and how they actually feel about the subject in question. There have also been occasions when he's suggested we attend events as a couple and I've disagreed and we've taken the kids, which has turned out to be the right thing to do.

Whilst you're fixed on when and where to have your ceremony, I think you should at least ask the children what they think. That is the only way you can be sure of how they will feel about not being at the wedding.

If you both care about them as much as you've said then surely their feelings would be important and matter to you.

[Menopausalcraziness]

In reply to your request for thoughts from other SM's, not just the usual posters.

Both of my parents remarried - my sister and I were bridesmaids at both weddings, in the local registry office. We would have both been upset to have not been given those roles as young children.

My partner and I have 4 children between us. Should we decide to marry I would ensure that all the kids are not only invited but have an active role to play. Boys in the format of best man, give away the bride with the girls to be bridesmaids.

I wouldn't dream of not having them there and I imagine they would be extremely hurt not to be there/be involved.


I'm assuming you don't have kids and therefore, without meaning any dis-respect, you aren't aware of the feelings that run between children who don't live with both of their parents. If you did, I feel you wouldn't have even considered getting married without the kids there.

As for booking an adult only resort, if it's Sandals you can change to their family arm Beaches or do as others suggest - marry in the UK, with the kids present and then actually take your "honeymoon", which is normally post a wedding. Alternatively, change the dates. Any holiday can be changed, albeit for a fee, if you're willing to do so.

If they are disappointed not to be there, it will stay with them for a very long time, if not for life. That may seem extreme but I'm afraid it's true.

[scubadive]

This has nothing to do with the date at all, there are loads of register offices around the country, I don't believe they are all completely full that day and what about local hotels, they can hold ceremonies just as hotels abroad can.

The suggestion that their one local register office is fully booked that day so they have to fly to the other side of the world to get married on that day is laughable. This is just the op clutching at straws again to justify her actions.

[comradelouise]

It's true, we don't know how the DSC will react. OP and those who agree with her may be right that there will be no effect. Or the vast majority may be right that this will cause some hurt, from a small degree up to long term psychological damage and impact on the relationship.

Personally in that situation I just think, why take the risk of seriously hurting someone close to you, when it's so easy to simply ask in advance if and how they want to be included

[Oneoffname]

@MoaningMinnie1
@Nogoodusername

I've ncd for this as anyone who knows me is likely to recognise me and I've already made my views about the OP's decision clear under my usual username.

Far from being a pair of teenagers, DH and I have been married almost 40 years and together a lot longer. We have always celebrated the anniversary of the day we met. It's a special day to us so we like to remember it. We didn't marry on that date though, for several reasons, not least that neither of us wanted a winter wedding.

[MyGhastIsFlabbered]

DP and I can't have our anniversary as our wedding date as it's my brother's birthday....missed the point

[AE18]

@xiona75

What point?

[xiona75]

@AE18 Likewise people that wouldn't want to be making fart jokes and running around a McDonald's on the day of their wedding

www.businessinsider.com/mcdonalds-wedding-parties-2014-7

You can have your wedding breakfast @MCDONALDS!!

*completely missed the point

[Nogoodusername]

@MoaningMinnie1 absolutely! I wouldn’t have a hope to think of an anniversary date for me and DH other than our actual wedding date 🤷‍♀️ Baffling

[MoaningMinnie1]

Nogoodusername, yes I got that bit about 'anniversary'; anniversary of what? I thought it was only teenagers who celebrated anniversaries of six months going out together or whatever :-).

As for getting married at the local registrar, it doesn't have to be simple, it can be quite elaborate if wanted and look very pretty. I really do hope the op changes the plans. The current ones are not a good start to a marriage.

[Alsohuman]

I suggest your boys to tell your ex to fuck right off, maybe amend it to mind his own business @RainMinusBow. I loved my son walking me down the aisle, it was a highlight of the day for me.

[Nogoodusername]

Lots of people asking why she doesn’t do a simple registry office ceremony before the holiday - she’s made it clear: she wants to get married on her anniversary and isn’t prepared to change that to involve her SC. It is nothing about the money, stuff about it being a free wedding thrown in with her honeymoon is nonsense, she is simply prioritising her wedding date being on her anniversary over her SC’s feelings. I feel so sad for those kids

[RainMinusBow]

My ex-husband (divorced for almost 6 years) has told my boys if they walk me down the aisle when I marry again it will be disrespectful to him!! What the actual?!!!
My dad isn't keen as he's autistic and says he doesn't want to because he's done it once before!!

[RainMinusBow]

@Inertia Aw thanks, they're going to look so cute! Drawing the line at fiancé playing his ukulele though (he has asked!)

[Dorsetcamping]

I wonder how they will feel when the actual day arrives, with the strength of this collective feeling at the back of their minds.

Then again maybe they won't give it a second thought.

[Inertia]

I think the penny will only drop for the OP if she has children of her own and her husband takes as little interest in their welfare as he does his existing children. It's very convenient to blame the step-children's mother for stirring and being evil when a little girl is in tears because her dad doesn't love her anymore. It's also very convenient to have resilient, unbothered stepchildren when you want a dream destination wedding, with your big day being more important than your lives ahead as part of a blended family. Not that Emma's reading anymore, because very few people are saying what she wants to hear.

On the other hand, I'm loving all the musical children at second marriages! The trumpet-playing children at @RainMinusBow's wedding really made me smile!

[Robin2323]

@Rosia8608
Oh no.
I hope your son knows (I'm sure he does) that you would never stop him going ti any of the weddings.

And I hope that he realised what a tosser is dad is.

And that he deserves so much more.

Do not let him spend a single second trying to get his fathers attention/ validation ever.

I hope he knows he's his own person who is better than this.

[funmummy48]

My mother married my step-father, without me there, over forty years ago. It still hurts. Please don't do this.

[SarahH12]

@Rosia8608 that's awful. Why ask him and then bin him off? So sad for your son!!

[Rosia8608]

It's so sad and remarkable that this thread is still going on and that the OP isn't grasping the concept.
My adult son has not been invited to any of his father's weddings. The first was when he ( the son!) was five years old. His father advised him of it but also told him that I wouldn't 'allow his attendance'. My former Bil and Sil would have taken him and I trust them implicitly. His father was 'sweet' enough to send the wedding photos.
The next wedding was when our son was eleven years old, again the same story, all my fault that I wouldn't 'let' him go, but I still had the same former Bil/Sil who I still trusted implicitly. Again, his father sent the wedding photos.
The last one was when our son was nineteen yrs old and what a build up that one was! Daddy was so pleased that he could ask our son to be part of his special day, since our boy was an adult and I'd have no say/control over it. Our son was going to be his best man and daddy was going to be so proud Etc etc.
I helped our son write his best man speech for his dad ( I'm nice that way and have loads of lovely and appropriate stories to tell)
So, they ( perhaps as their right/wish?) decided to bin off our son and had an overseas wedding, with a select few. Son wasn't included.
I can't put into words, the devastation our son has experienced each and every time, that his father has chosen to white wash him from these events.

[rainbowheart]

I'm a stepmum and we got married abroad and there is no way we'd of done it without my partners kids there. He certainly wouldn't of allowed that to happen! Getting married is about coming together and forming a family, in my opinion doing it without them sends a horrible message.
I wonder if you had children yourself if you'd do it without those, my son wasn't born when we got married but i know if he was I'd want him to be a huge part of my day.. as I did my stepchildren.

[MerdedeBrexit]

Just don't tell the children about the wedding at your honeymoon. The main one is the one during the party after the holiday. Nobody else needs to know (especially not the DSC ) that you got married before abroad.

What "main one" during the party after the holiday? OP has never said they are having any sort of ceremony during the party, that has been suggested by well-meaning respondents to the thread but the OP has not given any indication she is interested in anything but her very private wedding and honeymoon package deal and has made it clear the party afterwards will be to celebrate her marriage which will already have been legalized whilst on holiday before the party.