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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

864 replies

Whentotell123 · 21/08/2019 09:20

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

OP posts:
LittleGsmum · 24/08/2019 18:35

YABU. You are going to scar those kids for life. I simply cannot understand why returning to the post you ignore everyone who has expressed this opinion but those that support your position. Why ask the question if you don’t want to hear people think you and your partner are wrong! Beggars belief.

MachineBee · 24/08/2019 19:06

I tried to do all the ‘right’ things by my DSC (and my own adult DCs) when I remarried, got them involved in the day and the run up, invited their friends to the evening do, and even went so far as to arrange the wedding at half term and took them away with us on our ‘honeymoon’.

My own DCs said it was weird watching their Mum marry someone else although they like my DH and have a good relationship with him.

However 3 of my DSCs have virtually no relationship with me now. Their DM says I have ‘broken’ them because we have some basic house rules when they are with us such as letting us know where they are and who with if they are staying out, being home at a reasonable hour on a weeknight and joining us for meals at the table (as opposed to taking a plate upstairs to eat in their rooms). She was perfectly happy for my to provide free child care for them when they were younger.

So OP I would actually say do what you and your fiancé want - as a SM you’ll walk a fine line anyway regarding how your DSCs will treat you. Especially during the teen years, when you could become a scapegoat for all their teenage angst however brilliant you are.

After much heartache from my own experience of step-parenting, I would advise that you do make sure that your fiancé does the majority of parenting when the SDCs are with you, and that you make sure they regularly get time on their own with their DF.

Dorsetcamping · 24/08/2019 19:15

@MachineBee at least you can say with a clear conscience that you did your absolute best to include both sets of children in your wedding.

hsegfiugseskufh · 24/08/2019 19:17

dorset you've entirely missed the point.

Dorsetcamping · 24/08/2019 19:24

Don't patronise me @Bonjourfreddie
It's clearly sad that the relationship has since had problems but I believe (yes MY opinion!) that the fallout would've been far worse had she taken the same route as OP

hsegfiugseskufh · 24/08/2019 19:25

They dont have a relationship. It couldn't be much worse could it?

Dorsetcamping · 24/08/2019 19:27

And you think not including them would have changed that?

Really cannot be bothered to argue with you anymore.

hsegfiugseskufh · 24/08/2019 19:29

No! Thats the point shes trying to make!

GREATAUNT1 · 24/08/2019 19:45

A marriage is between 2 people to the exclusion of all others. You’re not inviting anyone, so I don’t see why you should invite the kids, come on who wants 3 kids on honeymoon! I’d leave it until the last minute, sit down & explain. The ex sounds like a jealous cow, she’ll cause trouble no matter what.

MachineBee · 24/08/2019 19:46

I’m just saying that SMs tend to not be able to do right for doing wrong in so many cases. A wise friend said that DC of divorced parents often don’t feel they can play up with their own parents but a step-parent (usually but not always the SM) becomes a bit of a lightning rod for their issues.

I am hoping that in the years ahead my own DSCs will see that I love their DF, care about them and am a human being worth treating with respect, and possibly even being seen as someone who brings good things to their lives.

I’m not the OW either, in case anyone was wondering.

I have rather stepped back from them simply because I couldn’t continue to be constantly abused for being married to their DF.

Alsohuman · 24/08/2019 20:02

A marriage ceremony isn’t a private moment between two people. It’s made very clear at the beginning of both civil and religious ceremonies that it’s a public formalisation of commitment. It’s also the reason it has to be witnessed.

msmith501 · 24/08/2019 20:12

Daily Mail tomorrow?

beachcitygirl · 24/08/2019 21:23

@GREATAUNT1 where is the evidence that the ex is a "jealous cow"
And before anyone asks I'm a first wife with dc and also a second wife with dsc so I see
Both sides.
The only jealousy I see is from the op who seems to want to whitewash away the most important relationships in her fiancé's life. That with his children and their mother.

wait68 · 25/08/2019 13:34

Just don't tell the children about the wedding at your honeymoon. The main one is the one during the party after the holiday. Nobody else needs to know (especially not the DSC ) that you got married before abroad.
When to tell then?
Depends. Is the fall out from the mother going to affect your decision to marry. Otherwise asap so that you have time to be able to reassure the DSCs that the are still loved and cared for and to put their minds at rest.
This thread just shows you how much evil lurks behind all those lovely mums/women you see about talking pleasantly like butter wouldn't melt!
Hopefully she's not 'emma'
And the ex/mum is not a jealous 'cow'

MerdedeBrexit · 25/08/2019 14:49

Just don't tell the children about the wedding at your honeymoon. The main one is the one during the party after the holiday. Nobody else needs to know (especially not the DSC ) that you got married before abroad.

What "main one" during the party after the holiday? OP has never said they are having any sort of ceremony during the party, that has been suggested by well-meaning respondents to the thread but the OP has not given any indication she is interested in anything but her very private wedding and honeymoon package deal and has made it clear the party afterwards will be to celebrate her marriage which will already have been legalized whilst on holiday before the party.

rainbowheart · 25/08/2019 15:04

I'm a stepmum and we got married abroad and there is no way we'd of done it without my partners kids there. He certainly wouldn't of allowed that to happen! Getting married is about coming together and forming a family, in my opinion doing it without them sends a horrible message.
I wonder if you had children yourself if you'd do it without those, my son wasn't born when we got married but i know if he was I'd want him to be a huge part of my day.. as I did my stepchildren.

Rosia8608 · 25/08/2019 15:47

It's so sad and remarkable that this thread is still going on and that the OP isn't grasping the concept.
My adult son has not been invited to any of his father's weddings. The first was when he ( the son!) was five years old. His father advised him of it but also told him that I wouldn't 'allow his attendance'. My former Bil and Sil would have taken him and I trust them implicitly. His father was 'sweet' enough to send the wedding photos.
The next wedding was when our son was eleven years old, again the same story, all my fault that I wouldn't 'let' him go, but I still had the same former Bil/Sil who I still trusted implicitly. Again, his father sent the wedding photos.
The last one was when our son was nineteen yrs old and what a build up that one was! Daddy was so pleased that he could ask our son to be part of his special day, since our boy was an adult and I'd have no say/control over it. Our son was going to be his best man and daddy was going to be so proud Etc etc.
I helped our son write his best man speech for his dad ( I'm nice that way and have loads of lovely and appropriate stories to tell)
So, they ( perhaps as their right/wish?) decided to bin off our son and had an overseas wedding, with a select few. Son wasn't included.
I can't put into words, the devastation our son has experienced each and every time, that his father has chosen to white wash him from these events.

SarahH12 · 26/08/2019 06:44

@Rosia8608 Shock that's awful. Why ask him and then bin him off? So sad for your son!!

funmummy48 · 26/08/2019 07:10

My mother married my step-father, without me there, over forty years ago. It still hurts. Please don't do this.

Robin2323 · 26/08/2019 08:16

@Rosia8608
Oh no.

I hope your son knows (I'm sure he does) that you would never stop him going ti any of the weddings.

And I hope that he realised what a tosser is dad is.

And that he deserves so much more.

Do not let him spend a single second trying to get his fathers attention/ validation ever.

I hope he knows he's his own person who is better than this.

Inertia · 26/08/2019 09:55

I think the penny will only drop for the OP if she has children of her own and her husband takes as little interest in their welfare as he does his existing children. It's very convenient to blame the step-children's mother for stirring and being evil when a little girl is in tears because her dad doesn't love her anymore. It's also very convenient to have resilient, unbothered stepchildren when you want a dream destination wedding, with your big day being more important than your lives ahead as part of a blended family. Not that Emma's reading anymore, because very few people are saying what she wants to hear.

On the other hand, I'm loving all the musical children at second marriages! The trumpet-playing children at @RainMinusBow's wedding really made me smile!

Dorsetcamping · 26/08/2019 10:52

I wonder how they will feel when the actual day arrives, with the strength of this collective feeling at the back of their minds.

Then again maybe they won't give it a second thought.

RainMinusBow · 26/08/2019 13:04

@Inertia Aw thanks, they're going to look so cute! Drawing the line at fiancé playing his ukulele though (he has asked!) Grin

RainMinusBow · 26/08/2019 15:33

My ex-husband (divorced for almost 6 years) has told my boys if they walk me down the aisle when I marry again it will be disrespectful to him!! What the actual?!!! Angry
My dad isn't keen as he's autistic and says he doesn't want to because he's done it once before!!

Nogoodusername · 26/08/2019 15:45

Lots of people asking why she doesn’t do a simple registry office ceremony before the holiday - she’s made it clear: she wants to get married on her anniversary and isn’t prepared to change that to involve her SC. It is nothing about the money, stuff about it being a free wedding thrown in with her honeymoon is nonsense, she is simply prioritising her wedding date being on her anniversary over her SC’s feelings. I feel so sad for those kids