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Original poster

When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

864 replies

Whentotell123 · 21/08/2019 09:20

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

OP posts:
SheWoreBlueVelvet · 21/08/2019 10:42

I don't know any kids who actually enjoy weddings. I will be surprised if DSS turns up to ours, he probably couldn't think of anything worse to be honest, but he is 15 and anything other than being on an xbox is boring to him.

I get this.Theres a world of difference between them being sat, bored at a wedding and sat at home because they weren’t invited though.
At my destination wedding DS came and left with my Dad a day earlier than everyone else because neither like being away from home much. I wouldn’t dream of not inviting them because they’d hate it though.

ColaFreezePop · 21/08/2019 10:42

OP I looked at registry offices near me.

Cheapest one in week is £110 for up to 6 guests.

A couple I house shared with got married on a weekday afternoon. As they were from abroad they invited their dads, who flew over especially at short notice, and us their housemates. We all turned up including 2 of the housemates who were teachers. The teachers managed to make up excuses to leave school early.

I would find a weekday afternoon where you have them and either do it in half-term OR make up a reason to skip school earlier.

TSSDNCOP · 21/08/2019 10:43

Is it just you and DH on the wedding/honeymoon?

elliollie · 21/08/2019 10:43

I'm going to go against the majority here. I'm a step child and my dad and step mum (I lived with them) got married without any of us four children there (two children from each side). None of us batted an eyelid. It was an adult decision and we didn't 'expect' to be there.
I think if it's handled correctly and there aren't other, underlying issues, there shouldn't be any reason for it to damage the relationship.
Of course, it all depends on the characters of the individuals involved.
I wouldn't automatically assume they'll be devastated and feel left out though, especially if you have a celebration afterwards

MyCatHatesEverybody · 21/08/2019 10:43

Btw I really wish you hadn't posted this. Step parents are already unfairly treated a lot of the time but shit like this is what gives the majority of decent stepparents a bad name.

RedWoollyHat · 21/08/2019 10:43

SarahH12 Wed 21-Aug-19 10:41:51
People saying it's affected their relationship because they weren't invited need to get over themselves. A wedding isn't about everyone else, it's about two people choosing to spend the rest of their lives with each other.

So hurt children need to "get over themselves"? Nice attitude.

CJsGoldfish · 21/08/2019 10:44

Excluding the children says a lot about you OP.
Says a lot about the 'father' your fiance is.

Keep up with your excuses, justifications etc. Easy to see through.
Who the fuck does such a thing?

Nodnol · 21/08/2019 10:44

Cue the OP posting in May next year that she doesn’t understand why the stepkids don’t want to see them.

Alsohuman · 21/08/2019 10:44

Not when kids are involved @SarahH12.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 21/08/2019 10:45

@elliollie the mum in this situation has allegedly already been shit stirring by saying their dad doesn't love them as much now he's getting married. DSD is in tears about it. Do you seriously think in this particular case they won't take being excluded as a personal snub?

Sotiredofthislife · 21/08/2019 10:46

People saying it's affected their relationship because they weren't invited need to get over themselves. A wedding isn't about everyone else, it's about two people choosing to spend the rest of their lives with each other

Again, you say you go to Church yet you seek to negate the feelings of so many people who have had this happen to them? A second wedding with children involved is not about 2 people.

whattodowith · 21/08/2019 10:46

The prices haven’t changed. I got married a few months ago in a registry office and it cost £100 in total.

Either your local registry office are major rip off merchants or you have misread the costs.

Excluding his children is a terrible idea and it sounds as though that was your plan all along. Why else would you book an adult only resort in term time? If it was his idea then he’s an awful parent and it sounds like their Mother has grounds to call him out on it.

ElizaDee · 21/08/2019 10:47

My registry office wedding on a friday this July was

70 to give notice
70 deposit
390 for the ceremony
22 for 2 certificates

But you could also do the tuesday morning cheapie which is literally just the legal bits for about 100 all in.

Both of those still cost a lot less than a wedding abroad Hmm

And as for irreparable damage, I haven't spoken to my dad in nearly 20 years. I could have invited him to my wedding & got back in contact but I didn't. It sounds like that situation would suit you though, no more inconveniencing step kids to deal with.

Scorpiovenus · 21/08/2019 10:47

It will be fine. BM just doesn't have the ability to not be bitter and twisting things for the kids so she is the asshole here not you guys :D

I mean who does that??

whattodowith · 21/08/2019 10:48

A wedding isn't about everyone else, it's about two people choosing to spend the rest of their lives with each other.

Not when one or both parties have children. You shouldn’t marry someone who already has children if you don’t want their children in your life.

SarahH12 · 21/08/2019 10:48

So hurt children need to "get over themselves"? Nice attitude.

I'm pretty sure there are no children posting on here. If a child is hurt I'd say talk to them and try and understand why they're upset about an event they had no right to expect to be at anyway. But if an adult is still saying even now it's affected their relationship then frankly yes they do need to get over themselves and respect a couple's choice for who they do and do not invite.

campion · 21/08/2019 10:48

You may think they won't 'bat and eyelid' at the news. I think you've got a nasty surprise coming your way. You will be the one getting most of the blame, but seeing as 5 pages of 'don't do it without inviting them' has fallen on deaf ears you'll have to get on with it.
Don't say you weren't warned!

Fwiw my friend's Df did this and she was an adult. She never quite forgave him and she's the most easy-going person I know.

hsegfiugseskufh · 21/08/2019 10:49

I get this.Theres a world of difference between them being sat, bored at a wedding and sat at home because they weren’t invited though.
At my destination wedding DS came and left with my Dad a day earlier than everyone else because neither like being away from home much. I wouldn’t dream of not inviting them because they’d hate it though

I do get that, and obvs we have invited DSS even if he doesn't want to come.

I think some people just don't see weddings as that big of a deal, and realistically if it is part of a holiday package, it will literally just be "I do" and they'll be sat on a beach for a week, which isn't really that different to a holiday.

I think in this situation to keep the peace, I would do what others have suggested and go to the registry office, have the ceremony with the kids, go out for a nice tea and go on hol. Have a blessing there if they want (And depending where theyre going it might be a blessing anyway!)

I think a lot of "the kids will hate you" comments are a bit unfair considering OP actually knows these kids and we don't. BUT I can see where people are coming from especially if theyre people who love a wedding or were children in that situation.

SarahH12 · 21/08/2019 10:50

@Sotiredofthislife well yes in terms of the ex I would and we did say "fuck" her. Our relationship never has been and never will be about her and our choice to get married, have kids etc never has or never will be anything to do with her. If she needs to grieve about a relationship she messed up then I really do not care.

ColaFreezePop · 21/08/2019 10:51

@Boom45 prices vary.

My borough max price is just under £400. One of the neighbouring boroughs has a more variety of times they can hold ceremonies and the cheapest is £110. I could probably could look at other boroughs.

Anyway the OP is just making excuses to help ensure her partner's children start disliking her and eventually want nothing to do with their father, so she gets him all to herself with any children she has with him.

I actually had 2 step-mothers. The last one was like the OP and I thought she was a waste of space. Never had a relationship with her while she was alive. Luckily her children, my brothers, don't have her shitty attitude but then they weren't mostly brought up by her. She did mine and my other siblings the pleasure of dropping dead early.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 21/08/2019 10:51

You obviously want to get married abroad and that is your choice. But, even as an adult, I'd be a bit upset if my dad got married abroad and we weren't invited. As an adult I'd totally understand the reasoning but it would still sting. You've got children (rather than adult children) and a mum that's sounds not hugely happy about the wedding/relationship. You've walked into it I'm afraid.

RedWoollyHat · 21/08/2019 10:53

I'm pretty sure there are no children posting on here. If a child is hurt I'd say talk to them and try and understand why they're upset about an event they had no right to expect to be at anyway. But if an adult is still saying even now it's affected their relationship then frankly yes they do need to get over themselves and respect a couple's choice for who they do and do not invite.

Thanks, but I'd rather just invite my SD and then not have to do any of that.

fishonabicycle · 21/08/2019 10:53

We got married in las Vegas without my stepchildren there - we had no-one there at all. It wasn't a problem.

Figgygal · 21/08/2019 10:53

Id show your dh this thread since this seemed to be his great idea and see what he thinks based on the feedback.

If you were going to go ahead with it as others have suggested you need to be really careful in how you sell the overseas ceremony bit really emphasise the importance of the party and include some sort of ceremony in that that they can be part of it they wish

PurpleCrazyHorse · 21/08/2019 10:54

Also, you can't re-do the wedding. It's a one day thing, you can't 'make it better' in the future, you can renew your vows or have a blessing, but it isn't the same as the actual original wedding. It could be very difficult to come back from this if the kids are really upset by it.

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